The Land Before Time XIII: The Wisdom of Friends (2007)

Look, we all like to make fun of Disney and their utterly shameless milking of their beloved animated classics with cheap and tawdry cash ins. But give them this; even during the height of the direct-to-video boom after Return of Jafar had proved that cheap sequels to big-name animated features were basically a licence to print money, they never went to the same well more than twice. Okay, twice and a tv series. That was it. Three movies and a TV series, MAX. No more. They had standards. Allegedly.

I love how it says “An All New Movie”. Isn’t every movie an all new movie?

Of course, Disney had a very large stable of properties to exploit. But what if you had a studio that

a) Really wanted to get in on that cheap direct-to-video cartoon action.

b) Had a very, very small pool of household name animation to sequelise and

c) Had absolutely zero shame?

Well…you’d get the cinematic donkey-show that was Universal’s Land Before Time franchise. Now, Land Before Time was a pretty damn good film and it did, y’know…decent at the box office. It opened at No 1. But it also lost to Oliver and Company in terms of overall ticket sales. So…fine, but nothing to crow about either.

Certainly, it did not do the kind of numbers that would justify 13 GODDAMN SEQUELS. THIRTEEN.

ONE. THREE.

AND A MOTHERFUCKING TV SHOW.

Now, I am not going to review every single one of them, that’s why God made Jenny Nicholson. I’m just here to review The Land Before Time XIII: The Wisdom of Friends, the second last entry in the series and, by all accounts, the worst of the bunch (because my readers think I’m a bad person and wish me harm).

However!

We can’t just dive in after an eleven movie gap without being hopelessly lost so I have set my team of extremely well-paid maps to work on a breakdown of everything that happens in this series between the first and thirteenth installements.

The Land Before Time II: The Great Valley Adventure

The gang must fight to protect their new home when Sharpteeth find a way into the Great Valley.

The Land Before Time III: The Time of Great Giving

When a sudden shortage of water threatens all life in the Great Valley, the gang of young dinosaurs must cooperate with a group of bullies to make a risky journey outside the valley and find the cause.

The Land Before Time IV: The Quest for Peace

The gang decide to rid the valley of nuclear weapons.

The Land Before Time V: The Final Frontier

Littlefoot’s previously unknown half-brother appears in the Great Valley, and he’s on a mission from God.

The Land Before Time VI:

In an attempt to save their failing marriage, Littlefoot and Cera open a bistro in Milan.

The Land Before Time VII: Long Hard Neck

The series’ one brave, but ultimately misjudged, entry into the genre of hardcore pornography.

The Land Before Time VIII: Littlefoot versus Godzilla

The no-brainer crossover that couldn’t fail. Actually failed quite a bit.

The Land Before Time IX: Please No More

Clip show.

The Land Before Time X: Tokyo Drift

In order to avoid a prison sentence, Littlefoot becomes a drag racer.

The Land Before Time XI: Ultimate Betrayal

The gang are shocked to learn that Spike was working for Internal Affairs the whole time.

The Land Before Time XII: Time Arrives

The gang have to adjust to living in a land that has time now where they can actually age and die. Directed by Werner Herzog. Harrowingly bleak.

“Happy to help, you cheap bastard, you.”

Okay, we’re all caught up. Let’s do this.

I will admit that I was actually pleasantly surprised by the animation. Don Bluth’s character designs tend to be quite heavily detailed (catch me on a bad day and I might tell you that they’re overdesigned) and there is a long, awful history of what happens when highly detailed characters are handed over to animators without the skill or budget to animate them properly.

Don’t look away. DON’T LOOK AWAY.

But, credit where credit is due, the movie does a fairly decent job of bringing these characters to life. Not great, but perfectly competent. Where the movie really betrays its source material is in the colour pallette.

Not to sound like a Care Bears villain but yuck, it’s so colourful and bright and NICE. Where’s the moody, Byronic shadow? Where’s the oppressive purgatorial gloom? Where’s the all-pervading sense of dread?

Well anyway, Littlefoot and his grandmother are out foraging for leaves. Littlefoot crosses a felled tree to get at some and then almost falls into a ravine when there’s an earthquake. Grandma Longneck saves him but almost falls in herself. Later that night, Littlefoot has a nightmare where he sees her falling to her death.

Now, uh, is it just me or does this seem a bit redundant? We spend the first five minutes of the movie establishing that Littlefoot is now afraid of earthquakes but…shouldn’t he already be afraid of earthquakes? You know? From that time he was trapped in an earthquake while a t-rex was trying to eat him and then he had to watch his mother die? I mean, Jesus Christ, that’s enough trauma for three superhero origins. I dunno, maybe they didn’t want to just flashback to the first movie because the sudden jump in animation quality might force everyone involved to realise how far we’ve fallen and stare at the walls for a few hours.

Grandma tells Littlefoot that they can’t always predict what’ll happen and that’s why they have “The Wisdoms” which are the tenets by which all Longnecks live. Stuff like “stay close to the herd” and “scarves in winter are non-negotiable”. That kinda stuff. Littlefoot goes and plays with his friends and learns that their herds all have “Wisdoms” too. This leads to a song (GOD DAMN IT) called Say So.

Why is it a calypso song?

“Well, you know. Dinosaurs. The Carribean. The whole connection, there.”

This leads to a kind of Cretaceous Council of Nicaea where the dinosaur children debate to what degree the Wisdoms should be adhered to with Cera taking a more situational interpretation opposed to Littlefoot’s absolutist literalism. And then they meet these chuckle-fucks.

Ah THERE’S the all-pervading sense of dread.

So these are the Yellowbellies, and I have it on good authority that they are, bare none, the characters most despised by fans of this franchise. Which is…goddamn, that is a terrifying statement because fans of The Land Before Time sequels are…

Look, if you unironically enjoy these movies I’m sure you’re a lovely person but…did you know there are other cartoons? Because there are! Look through my blog, you’ll find plenty of recommendations, there is help.

Anyway, these guys are Loofah, Doofah and Foobie who have a Banzai, Shenzi and Ed thing going on in that only the first two talk. Loofah is voiced by Cuba “How the hell did I end up here I have an actual Oscar” Gooding Junior and Sandra “TIME magazine named me one of the 100 most influential people on Earth and yet here I am” Oh.

And look, you’ve probably looked at that picture and said “ah, these must be the wacky comic relief characters” and they are. But listen and listen good. They’re not awful because they’re wacky. They’re awful because they’re not wacky enough.

Oh and Gooding are just so…lifeless in these roles. I would honestly prefer if they were obnoxious but they’re just there.

So the Yellowbellies whole deal is that they’re looking for a valley that has all the food that they could eat. But it’s not this valley. There’s apparently another valley called Berry Valley. I dunno, in the first movie I really got the impression that the Great Valley was the last hope for animal life on this world but apparently no, it’s a fucking franchise now.

The Yellowbellies tell the kids that they’re following the teachings of “The Wise One” who is leading them to Berry Valley and Littlefoot quickly realises that these rejects from a Doctor Seuss opium dream are literally too dumb to live. So, Littlefoot resolves to spread the good word of the Wisdoms to the Yellowbellies so that they can stay alive long enough for the asteroid to finish the job. And so, the gang and the Yellowbellies leave the safety of the Great Valley for the desolate hellscape that surrounds them.

If I get to see a Yellowbelly falling into a flaming caldera this will all be worth it.

As they journey along it quickly becomes apparent that Foobie is the only one of the Yellowbellies with any kind of functioning brain (man, wouldn’t it be ironic if in the climax it turned out that he’s actually the Wise One yup, that sure would blow my socks off).

They eventually reach the place where the Yellowbellies are supposed to meet the rest of their herd and Cera is all “okay, let’s go home now” but Littlefoot insists that they stay the course until they’re reunited with their herd. Actually, that’s too succinct a summary. Cera suggests they go, Littlefoot grudgingly agrees, they say their goodbyes, they go, they look back, they see that the Yellowbellies have already separated and Littlefoot convinces the others that they have to go back. This movie is 75 minutes long this kind of padding should not be nescesarry.

The Yellowbellies get thirsty because they didn’t drink at the watering hole when they had a chance. So, Littlefoot suggests they go looking for another watering hole but the Yellowbellies are too thirsty to move. So Littlefoot says that he and his friends will go find water for them. And bring it back? Somehow? Like, I have been racking my brains and all I can think is that Littlefoot is planning on carrying the water in his mouth and spitting it into their open jaws. I don’t want to picture that, but this movie is leaving me no choice and I feel violated, frankly.

The Yellowbellies are just sitting around waiting for their spit-play when they’re chanced upon by a pack of Baryonyxes and they don’t run away because they think they’re just mirages.

That’s it. There comes a point where I can’t actually care anymore. I want these characters to die. Evolution has spoken.

Foobie, spitting in the very face of Darwin, manages to save the other two Yellobellies by convincing them to run. The Sharpeeth corner them in a ravine but Foobie guides the other two in bounding up and down on their massive fat bellies which triggers a rockslide, saving their lives (booooo! Death! I demand horrible bloody death!).

Littlefoot and his crew find one of the Baryonyxes still alive and trapped under rubble and, of course, Littlefoot pushes more rocks on him. So, if nothing else, this movie at least is true to the original in that Littlefoot is a stone-cold killer.

“When you get to hell, tell Sharptooth Littlefoot says “hi”.”

Catching up with the Yellowbellies, the first thing they get asked is “did you find water” and Cera wants to just stampede these idiots and I never thought I’d say this but I am 100% on Cera’s side. Yes, the most awful character in the original movie is now the most likeable in this one, now THAT’s an arc. Littlefoot intervenes and they continue on their journey.

They finally reach the meeting point but there are no Yellowbellies, just a load of weird plants that look suspiciously like asses.

Ah crap.

Yes, it turns out that the Yellowbellies hide from predators by sticking their heads in the ground and disguising themselves as plants. Cera begs to be released from this living death and go home but Littlefoot insists that it’s too late and they’ll have to spend the night with hundreds of Yellowbellies and for some reason the others don’t hold his flat head under the water until the last bubble goes “bloop”.

Meanwhile, in the Great Valley, the adults have finally realised that their kids are missing and set out to find them. Including Petrie’s mother who, in 13 movies, has grown to the size of a fucking Cessna.

Littlefoot decides to lead the Yellowbellies through the desert like Moses if the Israelites seemed hell-bent on doing every stupid fucking thing that popped into their heads and were constantly on the cusp of getting themselves killed.

So, yeah, pretty much exactly like Moses.

The Yellowbellies have a godawful song and dance number and Loofah gives Littlefoot some homespun wisdom about not worrying about tomorrow and joining the dance maaaaan but it falls completely and utterly flat. I think they’re trying to play this as a kind of “Hakuna Matata” thing but I’m sorry. I knew Timon. Timon was a friend of mine. And you, sir, are no Timon.

Timon, for one, had a keen understanding that predators were something run away from.

They continue on their journey and get ambushed by the Sharpteeth who (somehow) survived getting half of Pangaea dropped on them. They get cornered and the Yellowbellies ask Littlefoot for advice but he doesn’t know what to do. Instead he turns to Foobie who starts squawking and dancing because that’s apparently the Wisdom of the Yellowbellies. Or something. Guys, I’ve had the flu for the last week, I’m not even honestly sure this is a real movie and not a Lemsip hallucination.

The bouncing of their bellies causes the Sharpteeth to plummet off a ledge into a ravine which will hopefully do the trick this time. Foobie then leads them to the Berry Valley because he was the Wise One all along (I know, I know, the shock could kill you I should be more careful dropping bombshells like that). And Littlefoot reflects that, while he thought NOT being an idiot was the way to go, maybe there’s something to be said for the Yellowbellies and their complete fucking inanity. Takes all kinds I guess.

WHAT THE FUCK DID I JUST WATCH?

                       ***

I think we may have a strong contender for the movie series where the gap between the best entry and the worst is at its most gaping. What. The. Hell.

What is even the point of this? What is its message? From what I can tell: it’s fine to be so stupid and reckless that you’re a threat to yourself and those around you. This may be the first pro-idiocy movie ever made. Who makes a pro-idiocy movie?

Maybe the people who managed to wring thirteen goddamn sequels out of the same film and somehow turn a profit?

Pandering to your audience, I guess.

Scoring

Animation : 06 /20

Honestly not the worst animated movie in the series but very cheap and chintzy looking.

Main Character :03 /20

Who the fuck even is this? This ain’t my Littlefoot guys. I don’t know this fool.

Villain: 04/20

Points for going with a more obscure species, I guess.

Supporting Characters: 00 /20

Yeah, I know I almost never give a zero score. These things HURT me.

Music: 02 /20

Calypso? CALYPSO?!

FINAL SCORE: 15 %

NEXT UPDATE: 29 February 2024

NEXT TIME: Over twenty years old? No, that can’t be right. This is a new film. It just came out. Otherwise I’d be incredibly old.