AS IS REQUIRED

Traditions! The breakfast in bed is no longer delivered (by the off-spring, anyway), the big spring-cleaning not an all-day event--however the homemade card is essential and nonnegotiable. This is one of this year's cards.






 The Battle of
Mother’s Day             

                                                                          


                                                                          


                      Cast of
Characters                          

                                                                          


     MOTHER: Matron of the Mavis clan
and harried homeowner                                                                                             


     ANDERS: Wicked malformed
eldest child of MOTHER                

                                                                          


     ALDUS: Middle child; he is a
paragon       

                                                                    


     TED:Does not appear in
this manuscript                         

                                                                          


     THE
LATE BUDDHA: A deceased,
saintly figure         

                                                   
                     


                                                                          


Scene The Mavis
family room 



Time Midday                                                           

    



ACT I

Scene 1

ANDERS is sitting on
the couch, being wicked and malformed. Enter from the kitchen up. right MOTHER,
looking very nice.

MOTHER

Anders: Do you know
what day it is today?

ANDERS

Today is
Be-Ungrateful-and-Unreasonably-Spiteful-to-my-Superior-and-Attractive-Family
Day, known also as Every Day.

MOTHER

Anders, that is wrong.
You are as stupid and empty-headed as you are wicked and malformed. Today is
MOTHER'S DAY.

ANDERS

Is it MOTHER'S DAY? I
was too busy not bearing you grandchildren and festering in my own various
discharges to notice.

MOTHER

It is.

ANDERS

Ah.

MOTHER

Have you made the
prerequisite Mother's Day Card I badgered you (quite justifiably and while
looking very nice) into making? Like your saintly brother, Aldus? Or Ted, who
will not be appearing in this scene?




ANDERS

I did not. I was too
busy touching Aldus without his first providing express permission and dirtying
his clothes due to the thin mucous membrane which at all times coats me.

MOTHER

Well, well. Get on top
of that, Anders.

ANDERS

I shall not. I am
scanning this planet.

MOTHER

O you are a very
ungrateful, wicked, and malformed child. Not like your brother, Aldus. Here he
comes now.

ALDUS enters from
KITCHEN, being exemplary. He is on his way to visit the PRESIDENT and also
EMERIL LAGASSE.

ALDUS

Hello, Mother and
brother. I am on my way to meeting with the PRESIDENT and EMERIL LAGASSE to
discuss preparations for the upcoming gala held in mother's honor, in the Torch
of the Statue of Liberty. In Hawaii. The LATE BUDDHA will also be present.

ANDERS

Aldus, I direct my
impotent rage at you.

ALDUS

Oh geez, then I had
better exit soon. Mother, there will be Leis at the party as well as a young
& attractive Clint Eastwood, not that you would do anything with him as you
are a good and caring wife/mother. But still. FATHER is not appearing in this
scene either.

MOTHER

Thanks a big bunch.

ALDUS

It is the least I could
do for you emitting me from your genitals 19 years ago. Farewell!

He exits,
pirouetting to avoid feces thrown at him from ANDERS




MOTHER

Now, Anders. Are you
going to help clean the house?

ANDERS

No, as I am a smelly
gaylord.

MOTHER

And you are not going
to make a card? If you do neither thing I shall have no recourse other than to
beat you to death with this copy of David Foster Wallace's Infinite Jest
in a clever ironic metaphor for something.

ANDERS

I will not write you a
card, either.

MOTHER

Then I will beat you to
death.

SHE does. ALDUS
reenters, with THE LATE BUDDHA.

ALDUS

Although the death of
my brother was justified, I mourn for him still because I am that big of a
person.

MOTHER

Don't worry about him.
Let's have lemon cake.

ALDUS.

O.K.

THE LATE BUDDHA
performs funeral rites for ANDERS, then a BERGAMASK DANCE to scattered
applause.

Exeunt Omnes.