How to Be a Good Team Player

How to Have Healthy Conflict in the W... Improving Team Alignment

How to Be a Good Team Player

One of the more infuriating pieces of feedback that people receive is, “You’re not a team player.” That’s actually not feedback; that’s judgment. We are judged and evaluated in ways that are so squishy, slippery, and unhelpful. What can you do if you’ve been told you’re not a good team player? Let’s go through a few things you can try, to be perceived differently.

Alignment – Focus on Your Unique Value

The first thing is to make sure you’ve aligned yourself, your actions, your investment of time, and your energy, with the things that matter to your teammates or your manager. One of the reasons you might get called a poor team player is that you’re marching to the beat of your own drum. You’re doing what you think is important, but you’re not contributing to the things your team or organization needs from you. Ask your manager questions like:

What is the most important thing you want me paying attention to?What’s the value you’re counting on my role to add?What are the three top ways I can add value for this team?

Then, look at your calendar and say, “To what extent is my time and my energy aligned to the things my team most needs from me?” Make sure you’re focusing on utilizing your unique value. I find people look at work and they think, “Well, I can add value to that. I know that. I can be helpful there.” They end up getting into the weeds, spending time on things that don’t require their unique value, and aren’t what their team is counting on them to be doing. Really, really, really important: If you’ve been told you’re not a good team player, make sure that your energy, your attention, and your time are focused on adding the value that the team is counting on you to add.

Balance – Give Others Room to Contribute

The second thing causing that judgment of “You’re not a good team player,” is you don’t balance your contribution relative to other folks on the team. A lot of people really lose points on this one. They dominate, they say too much, they don’t let other people get a word in edgewise. It’s like they’re in a tennis match, returning every serve. One person says something and they respond, a second person says something, but they’re the one who responds, and every serve is going back to them. Pay attention in your next couple of meetings and ask yourself, “Am I balancing my participation? Am I taking up the same amount of airtime as everyone else?”

Here’s some advice for natural extroverts, who have a lot of energy, tend to take up too much time, and have a hard time sitting on your hands, saying nothing: change your contribution to a question instead of a statement. When you jump in to speak, instead of saying, “I don’t think our enterprise customers would like this,” phrase it as a question that draws somebody else in: “Oh, I’m really wondering how that would land with our enterprise customers?” Contributing with a statement can be a bit of a downer, putting a lid on the conversation, whereas a question draws somebody else in. Now it’s looking like you actually care what your colleagues have to contribute, which = more of a team player. Balance your participation.

What you’re aiming for is to get to the point where you’re taking up the same amount of airtime as everybody else. If you can’t get there, or if you’re working on it but it’s gonna be a journey, then start by shifting at least 50% of your statements to questions. That will help a lot.

Connection – Don’t Be a Lone Wolf

The third thing that might not be evident to your manager is the connection between you and your colleagues. You stand apart from everyone else. If there’s a tight team dynamic that doesn’t include you, you really stand out as not being a team player. Find places to connect with your colleagues. Ideally, some of those places are going to be during downtime, which is a time to connect with them as humans. But that’s not the first step.

The first step is to connect with them by asking questions, engaging them in conversation. Say, “I’m wondering how you’re thinking about this?” Build a strong connection by being a great listener for your colleagues, and the person in the meeting who reframes and rephrases what they’ve said. “Oh, I really love Josh’s point. Josh, if I’m hearing you right, you just said X, Y, and Z?” This shows: I’m not just a one person band here, but I’m listening, I’m interested, I’m curious, and I’m trying to connect. Start with those work related connections.

If you’ve already been labeled as not a team player, going straight to, “Hey, you wanna have lunch?” may feel a little weird and off-putting for your teammates. As you form a stronger connection around work, opportunities will open up to grab a coffee, and have those kinds of conversations. You’ll find situations where there’s common ground, which is very helpful for us as humans, but actively seek out places where the person has had a different experience than you. Find that interesting. Look for some insight. All of those things that say, “I value and wanna be a part of a team, I empathize and listen to their experience, as opposed to trying to make sure they understand my experience.” Connection matters a lot.

Disagree – You Owe it to Your Team

This is a bit of an advanced one. You want to demonstrate that it’s okay to disagree, to diverge, to have diverse thoughts. You can be a good team player at a lower level: you get along and treat everyone nice. But that’s not being a particularly valuable team player. A really valuable team player actually contributes diversity of thought, brings new perspectives, new experiences, advocates for stakeholders no one else is talking about. If you’re going to be a really strong contributor to the team, try to take it to that level.

You might want to say, “As I’m listening, I’m realizing none of us has talked about what it’s going to feel like when we roll it out to our international employees. So I’m just wondering, you know, how do we think?” You’re bringing in another perspective, but you’re also using a question, which is a good balance of techniques. You can also draw in dissenting information or other ways of thinking. You can say, “Well, that’s how I’m thinking about it, but I’m super curious about what assumptions I’m making, what I haven’t thought about. I would love to hear what you’re thinking about that.” When you invite people to disagree with you, they start to realize you’re someone who knows how to make a team valuable.

Contrary to popular opinion, a great team player is good at conflict. I absolutely believe the most valuable team players are the ones who understand a) they don’t have the answers themselves and b) nor does any single individual on the team. A great team player understands the goal is to bring a very diverse variety of perspectives to the table, to listen effectively, to be curious, and to go through a dynamic process of figuring out the optimal answer. It’s taking the concept of being a team player to the next level.

Being a Good Team Player is as Easy as ABC (and D)

There are a variety of things you can do if you’ve gotten the demoralizing, unhelpful feedback that you’re not a good team player. First, make sure you’re aligning your time, your attention, and your energy to the things that are going to make a difference for your team. Next, balance your participation, and move toward taking the same amount of space as everybody else. Next, actually connect with people. Be the one who does the best job at listening. Make lots of eye contact. If eye contact is uncomfortable for you, say, “I was listening and think that’s interesting.” Or, “Here’s what I heard you say.” Finally, disagree. Show you know how to use the team to have productive conflict.

Align, balance, connect, and disagree. That’s the A, B, C, D of being a better team player. I hope the next time you get feedback, you hear something completely different. They’ll be telling you, “Wow, what a great team player you are!”

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