two minute neurotic comics

so i posted (but have now removed) about working at the kickapoo valley reserve as–an instructor? i’m actually not sure what i would be…talking to people about forest & future, i suppose. which sounds awesome…except i really don’t like people that much…or any kind of structured conversation with said people…
& the drive is an hour & a half round trip…
& i really get pissed off about having to do a “job” to make money when i spend most of my day working for free…
& i have already brought home a virus from a coughing child…
& i forgot how much women do not seem to like me. i mean, the women i work with & for are very cold towards me…which isn’t new. all my life most women have seemed to really not care for me…which, okay, fine, but then i react by going belly-up & being all submissive & fuck that.
then i start wondering if i’m just looking for reasons to quit. am i just a quitter? is it a case of i don’t want to work for someone who is willing to hire me? is this self-sabotage?
ack!
i have been spinning out trying to decide if i should keep training (even though i already have one foot out the door) or if i should just cut my losses & look to the horizon
& if i look to the horizon, what exactly is out there?
i’m flat broke…again.
sigh.
but spinning out isn’t working out either.
i guess i need to find my zen.