Monday Notes: 3 Types of People From Whom I Take Advice

I don’t like unsolicited advice. My close friends and family know this. I don’t feel bad about not listening or taking someone’s advice, especially if I didn’t ask for it. But there are times when I seek advice, and when I do, it’s from three specific types of people.

#1: A person who has done what I’m trying to do.

When I was in graduate school, I sought advice from those who were further along in their doc programs. For example, I had a colleague named Jenn. Jenn was two years ahead of me. I read Jenn’s dissertation, so I would know what scholarly writing looked and sounded like. She was able to tell me about her first job, which didn’t pay well, stressed her out, and was riddled with racist antics (even though she is white). Jenn also sent me calls for proposals for publications and presentations, and when I was wavering about leaving the research institution, she listened to me with an ear of understanding. I trusted Jenn’s opinion, because Jenn had been where I was, and she understood what I was going through. Though I had colleagues who were in a similar phase as I was, their “suggestions” were oftentimes opinions wrapped in gripes and venting sessions. Jenn’s advice, however, was valuable and solution oriented, so I listened.

#2: A person who has explicitly demonstrated love and care for my wellbeing.

When I found my biological mother’s side of the family in the early aughts, I learned that there were friends and family who didn’t know how to respond. Some friends were dismissive, as if finding family isn’t a life-altering event, and some family members were seemingly insecure and only concerned with their own uncomfortable feelings, thus their advice wasn’t about me; it was about them. A decade later, I mistakenly found my biological father via ancestry.com. With this newfound person, came an overwhelming flood of emotions. As a result, when I began speaking with my biological father and siblings, I only shared details with a few family members, like my husband, daughters, and goddaughter. Similarly, only a few friends were privy to other intimate parts. Thus, when I needed advice about how to proceed in relationship with this part of my family, I only sought advice from these folks, because they’d demonstrated their advice wasn’t self-serving.

#3: A person who is confident in their identity.

Imposter syndrome is when you feel as if you’re fraudulent in your position, even if you possess the characteristics required to be in said position and have proven to be high-achieving and successful. Having imposter syndrome is common, so this is not a judgment about feeling like an imposter. What I’m suggesting is that, even if a person has achieved what you want, you cannot always trust their advice (if they have imposter syndrome), because it will sometimes be steeped in perceived failure. They believe you’re going to make the same so-called errors they did, so they advise you to do otherwise or to avoid the journey altogether. For example, someone told me that reading my own audiobook was a bad idea. “It’s too much work,” they said. “Don’t do it.” I almost took their advice, but upon further thought, I decided I’d rather find out myself. Maybe my experience would differ from theirs, especially because I had guidance from someone who’d created audiobooks. And guess what? It was. I took my time and had the audio mixed and mastered. From what I’ve heard, the audiobook sounds good and added a layer to the story that otherwise wouldn’t have existed.

So, what say you? From whom do you take advice? Whom do you allow to guide you?

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