Should do’s, Don’t do’s, and I don’t know How to’s…
(For one, do I even use apostrophes there?) I guess I am not in that place I need to be to write. My mind is elsewhere. I know I should write and I NEED to edit but the energy flow is ebbed by… something… Questions? Life? Purpose? I guess we all think about these things at one time or another. In this moment, I am at that spot.
I think a lot about purpose and what I think I am supposed to do with my gifts. I feel in my bones I am a writer. No matter how little I have written and published TODAY, I know that I have so much more inside of me to say and contribute to the world of literature. Of course there are those who would not even consider the genre of m/m romance as literature at all, to them I say bugger off. (I like pretending I have a British accent. It’s fun.) I think sometimes it is all a matter of playing the game. M/M romance has it’s own stigmas and stereotypes. There are definite do’s and don’ts. I think little by little there are writers who are trying to break away from the accepted norms and write more freely. BUT it is all in getting established. That is what drives everything, isn’t it?
Getting established is hard. Yes, getting that first book published is a huge accomplishment, but what of the second? Third? It seems daunting when the FIRST acceptance doesn’t guarantee the second. It is all about work! I want to put in the time and energy, I SHOULD, but sometimes my brain gets hung up in how to focus on the tasks at hand. And I drift…
I know I need to write right now, but I’m not. Too much on my mind.
For one thing, a friend of mine died two years ago today. Mark and I met online. He was an inspiration and a good man. He was kind. I wish I knew him longer. Rest in Peace. Two years ago I went through a lot of sh** and this is just one of the pieces that cut.
Another thought is FEAR. Fear of the unknown. Fear of judgment. Fear of the future. Fear of being alone. Fear of not knowing your purpose.
“Perfect love casts out fear.”
How does one love perfectly? I don’t think we can.
Then what do I have left? I hide behind words on a page. Very few people know exactly what I went through two years ago, and therefore don’t know the depth of fear that grips me now. I am trying to be myself, but “myself” is not in the open to ANYONE where I live. It took me two years to start trusting people again. I told one friend (a relatively new friend) about everything I went through. I told this person my fears and events that changed me, that shut me down. This person said they were proud of me. ME. My therapist told me once in her opinion I “was attacked.” I know in my mind I believe that but the heart still wants to hold onto the possibility that someone else will do the same thing. So I hide.
I have a story to tell. It’s not finished. TCOL still needs to be published and the third book needs to be written! I can’t jeopardize that by being freely ME. I’m okay with hiding. For now, in this moment, it seems right so that I can say what I need to say to the world and no one can stop me. But then what? Do I step up? Is this what I should do? Do I say “this is me” like it or not? What if I can’t?
Why? Fear.
For some of the same reasons that I hide from my “hometown” now, I fear similar judgments from the “world” if they knew who I am.
What if I was President Obama? (I’m not, btw) But what if I was? Would the world judge him differently if secretly his secret identity was an m/m romance writer? What if I was an 65 yr old school teacher? In Elementary school? Would the community around me judge me for writing gay sex? What if I was the boys lacrosse coach at a local HS? Would I be viewed as a pervert and my ethics questioned?
Where is the line drawn by society? What kinds of rules do authors have to follow in order to be accepted by the readers in their own communities? I DON’T KNOW.
Is this why writers need pseudonyms?
And then what happens when you touch the heart of ONE reader (or more) and you want to share your very hopes and dreams and soul with that person but fear steps in? Fear. I can’t escape it.
I want to be loved and accepted for who I am. Just like I WANT to accept others for who they are. But HOW do I let go of the fear that grips my heart and take that step of faith that when I close my eyes and fall backwards, YOU (dear reader) will catch me? And if I don't say a word, am I selfishly making that decision for you?
Oh if life only had an instruction manual. So far, the rest of my box was empty.
Amendment. 5:59pm I submitted my MS for My Roommate's A Jock. :)
I think a lot about purpose and what I think I am supposed to do with my gifts. I feel in my bones I am a writer. No matter how little I have written and published TODAY, I know that I have so much more inside of me to say and contribute to the world of literature. Of course there are those who would not even consider the genre of m/m romance as literature at all, to them I say bugger off. (I like pretending I have a British accent. It’s fun.) I think sometimes it is all a matter of playing the game. M/M romance has it’s own stigmas and stereotypes. There are definite do’s and don’ts. I think little by little there are writers who are trying to break away from the accepted norms and write more freely. BUT it is all in getting established. That is what drives everything, isn’t it?
Getting established is hard. Yes, getting that first book published is a huge accomplishment, but what of the second? Third? It seems daunting when the FIRST acceptance doesn’t guarantee the second. It is all about work! I want to put in the time and energy, I SHOULD, but sometimes my brain gets hung up in how to focus on the tasks at hand. And I drift…
I know I need to write right now, but I’m not. Too much on my mind.
For one thing, a friend of mine died two years ago today. Mark and I met online. He was an inspiration and a good man. He was kind. I wish I knew him longer. Rest in Peace. Two years ago I went through a lot of sh** and this is just one of the pieces that cut.
Another thought is FEAR. Fear of the unknown. Fear of judgment. Fear of the future. Fear of being alone. Fear of not knowing your purpose.
“Perfect love casts out fear.”
How does one love perfectly? I don’t think we can.
Then what do I have left? I hide behind words on a page. Very few people know exactly what I went through two years ago, and therefore don’t know the depth of fear that grips me now. I am trying to be myself, but “myself” is not in the open to ANYONE where I live. It took me two years to start trusting people again. I told one friend (a relatively new friend) about everything I went through. I told this person my fears and events that changed me, that shut me down. This person said they were proud of me. ME. My therapist told me once in her opinion I “was attacked.” I know in my mind I believe that but the heart still wants to hold onto the possibility that someone else will do the same thing. So I hide.
I have a story to tell. It’s not finished. TCOL still needs to be published and the third book needs to be written! I can’t jeopardize that by being freely ME. I’m okay with hiding. For now, in this moment, it seems right so that I can say what I need to say to the world and no one can stop me. But then what? Do I step up? Is this what I should do? Do I say “this is me” like it or not? What if I can’t?
Why? Fear.
For some of the same reasons that I hide from my “hometown” now, I fear similar judgments from the “world” if they knew who I am.
What if I was President Obama? (I’m not, btw) But what if I was? Would the world judge him differently if secretly his secret identity was an m/m romance writer? What if I was an 65 yr old school teacher? In Elementary school? Would the community around me judge me for writing gay sex? What if I was the boys lacrosse coach at a local HS? Would I be viewed as a pervert and my ethics questioned?
Where is the line drawn by society? What kinds of rules do authors have to follow in order to be accepted by the readers in their own communities? I DON’T KNOW.
Is this why writers need pseudonyms?
And then what happens when you touch the heart of ONE reader (or more) and you want to share your very hopes and dreams and soul with that person but fear steps in? Fear. I can’t escape it.
I want to be loved and accepted for who I am. Just like I WANT to accept others for who they are. But HOW do I let go of the fear that grips my heart and take that step of faith that when I close my eyes and fall backwards, YOU (dear reader) will catch me? And if I don't say a word, am I selfishly making that decision for you?
Oh if life only had an instruction manual. So far, the rest of my box was empty.
Amendment. 5:59pm I submitted my MS for My Roommate's A Jock. :)
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