World War Three: Game of Cowards
Welcome to your free trial of the newest, most exciting multiplayer video game of the century! Brought to you by Age of Stupid productions, this is the video game everyone has been waiting for:
World War Three: Game of Cowards!
How to play? Easy, first just choose which character you want to be from these avatars:
Vladimir Putin: Cower in your impenetrable bunker under the Kremlin and direct your blood-thirsty subordinates to bomb Ukrainian schools, hospitals and apartment blocks. Score points for all of the innocent civilians you can murder at no risk to yourself. Score bonus points for every one of your own dead troops that you can have incinerated on the battlefield so you don’t have to pay compensation to their families.
Joe Biden: Cower in your impenetrable bunker under the White House and fret about “escalation” if you give Ukraine the weapons to defeat its enemy. Score points for all the excuses you can think up to avoid helping Ukraine win, because the last thing you want is a civil war in RuZZia, where any hate-filled freak might get their hands on a nuke. Score bonus points if you can remember 20 years ago, when the US invaded Iraq because Saddam supposedly had WMD and therefore had to be killed. Now you’re faced with a genuine fascist madman who you know has 6,000 nukes, you cannot possibly be interested in regime change. Oh no. No, no, no…
Benjamin Netanyahu: Cower in your impenetrable bunker in Tel Aviv while the IDF murders as many Palestinian women and children as it can. Score points for every day that no one mentions how shit you and Mossad must have been to have missed the surprise attack by your sworn enemy last October, and how those 1,400-odd murders were partly due to your arrogance and incompetence. Score bonus points for every time you insist that your endless murder spree in Palestine will definitely bring an end to the violence, because killing young people’s families and friends absolutely never radicalises them and has always, throughout history, led to people who hate each other eventually agreeing to set aside their differences and live in peace.
The Hamas Leadership: Cower in your impenetrable bunker somewhere in Saudi Arabia while congratulating yourself on your military genius in launching the surprise attack that saw your radicalised freaks murder 1,400-odd innocent Israelis. Score points for every day no one says to you, “What the actual fuck did you think Israel would do to Palestine in response?” Score bonus points every time you chuckle to yourself when you remember that your own families are perfectly safe, while your decisions have led to the deaths of tens of thousands of people you claim to represent.
The British Conservative Party: Cower in your impenetrable bunker under Downing Street as you fret about how to explain away your military support for Ukraine after taking so many bribes (er, “donations”) from Vladimir Putin. Console yourself that Putin still thinks he got a bargain, paying you a trifling GPB 5 million for you to slit the UK’s economic wrists with Brexshit. Score points for every oligarch who still invites you to enjoy the best RuZZian prostitutes at his exclusive parties in his Italian castle. Score bonus points for every day the UK media, which is owned by all your billionaire chums anyway, fails to publicise your despicable rape and betrayal of your country.
Olaf Scholz: Cower in your impenetrable bunker in Berlin as you struggle to give Ukraine the fewest possible weapons in order to hasten its defeat. Score points for every media interview you can give where you claim that “Ukraine must win” without smirking. Score bonus points every evening when you cry into your peach Schnapps bemoaning why things couldn’t just be like the good old days, when Berlin and Moscow had a convivial get-together to carve up central Europe between them.
The coward who can score the greatest number points will then proceed to the Ultimate Challenge! The coward will have to face the ruthless Emperor Xi Jinping of China! What can the coward offer to appease the mighty Chinese Emperor Xi? Gold? Rare silks? Taiwan? You decide!
We hope you enjoy your free trial of World War Three: Game of Cowards, before millions more innocent civilians are killed by men who live in unalloyed luxury and security, and who will never be held accountable for their bloodletting.
Don’t delay! Play World War Three: Game of Cowards today and remember: Only the poor die young!
((c) Copyright, all rights reserved, Age of Stupid productions, 2024)
