“There are the hands that made us. And then there are the hands that guide their hands.”

So, how did we get here?

The MCU fell from grace the way Hemingway’s Mike Campbell went bankrupt, slowly and then all at once.

I think we all felt it, didn’t we? At some point this year, probably in the summer when Barbenheimer was in full swing, there was a moment when all of us who had still not disembarked from the hype train took a look at the MCU and said “nah, I’m done”.

And you probably have your own explanation for why that is. Endgame was the peak and it’s all been downhill since then. Superhero fatigue. Bad writing. Too woke. Not woke enough. Too much CGI. Martin Scorsese dropping truth bombs. The pandemic. Whatever.

But ultimately, I think the real reason was just…time. The studio execs currently running around trying to figure out why audiences aren’t flocking to their superhero movies anymore are like surfers wondering why the tidal wave they were riding faded away into the ocean.

Guys. It was a wave. That’s what they do.

Granted, it was a wave like nothing we’ve ever seen before. Depending on when you consider the modern age of superhero movies to have begun (the first X-Men movie maybe?) we’ve been riding this wave for over twenty years with some of the biggest box-office numbers of all time. But, it really was just a bigger version of every other Hollywood trend, be that “make everything like the Matrix” or “make everything like Transformers” or (if you want to go old school) “make everything a Western”. And trends never last. That’s why they’re called “trends”.

And I’ve been burned enough times before to know not to make any big predictions. Maybe these last two years were just a brief blip in an unbroken streak of cinematic dominance that will stretch on to the death of the universe. But, right now, in the waning hours of 2023 it sure feels like the MCU is done. And I’m okay with that. And I don’t regret my time with it as long as I can pretend Thor 4 doesn’t exist.

Because, even if we got nothing else of value from this series of films, James Gunn got to make the Guardians trilogy, and I wouldn’t deny him that for the world.

Okay, so who here’s seen the Christmas special? Yeah, me neither. Alright, here’s what we need to get caught up on. Quill’s still super depressed because Gamora came back to life entirely uninterested in his human penis. Mantis and Quill are now treating each other as brother and sister because, well, yeah, I guess they are. The Guardians are now operating from Knowhere, they have a new larger spaceship called the Bowie and Kraglin and Cosmo the Psychic Soviet Dog are now full members of the Guardians.

Now read on.

After a brief flashback where we see a baby Rocket being grabbed by a mysterious hand, we find ourselves in Knowhere where Rocket is listening to Creep by Radiohead on Peter’s Zune. This is what happens in the opening scene, are you ready? Rocket walks around Knowhere listening to Creep, he sees Nebula putting up a sign and Mantis trying to get Drax to dance with her. Rocket walks into a bar where Peter is drunk off his ass. Peter yells at Rocket for taking his zune and then keels over. Nebula comes and gently carries Peter out of the bar while the other Guardians look on in concern. Title.

That’s it. That’s how this big budget space action movie opens. And I wouldn’t trade these two minutes for the entire Ant-Man trilogy. And it’s not even the best sequence of the movie! It just shows what’s been missing from so many of the other MCU films. Atmosphere. Pacing. Heart. Versimilitude. The sets and costumes look great, the CGI is flawless as usual (I don’t know how the same studio that gave us Rocket Racoon also gave us MODOK). And it’s just good. FILM GOOD.

The Guardians put Peter to bed and have to figure out what to do about the fact that their leader is spending all his time crying tears that could double as Polish vodka. Suddenly, Knowhere is attacked by Adam Fucking Warlock. Okay, this guy, this guy.

First introduced in Fantastic Four as a perfect being created to rule the world by a group of mad scientists, he was later spun off in his own series which was…the story of Jesus Christ but IN SPAAAAAACE!!! I haven’t read it (somehow!) but it sounds seventies as fuck. It also makes the character utterly redundant in my eyes. There are plenty of cosmic superheroes and the Marvel universe doesn’t need a new Jesus because the Jesus of the Marvel universe is Jesus (while I absolutely love that because Marvel used to publish religious comics Jesus has his own page on the Marvel wiki, I am extremely disappointed that it doesn’t answer the pressing theological question as to whether he could one-shot Galactus. I say he could, post-resurrection and with prep-time).

Anyway, the Adam Warlock of the MCU is actually an alien created by the Sovereign (those gold assholes from Guardians 2). Despite being a complete dork, Adam is a fucking powerhouse who tears through all of the Guardians before finally being stabbed by Nebula and having to flee. But it’s too late for Rocket who’s been shot in the chest. Quill tries to use a med-pack on Rocket which triggers a kill switch buried in the little critter because it turns out he was created by a dude called the High Evolutionary who likes people fixing his creations about as much as Apple does.

“If you don’t buy a new one, you’re basically stealing from us. You’re a dirty criminal”.

They manage to stabilise Rocket, but without a way to kill the kill switch his little fuzzy ass is on borrowed time. We now see Rocket’s early life in flashback. He was experimented on by the High Evolutionary and spent most of his time in a cage with three other cybernetically enhanced animals, an otter named Lylla, a Walrus named Teef and a bunny rabbit named Floor who looks like he was created by Sid from Toy Story. They bond, and dream of the beautiful world they’ll go to when the High Evolutionary finishes his project, with wide open skies forever.

Now, the easiest way to get me to absolutely loathe a film is emotional manipulation and I honestly don’t know how James Gunn gets away with this here. We basically have a little found family of adorable animal creatures who’ve been subjected to horrendous experiments and yet find love and joy with each other. On paper, it just sounds so fucking manipulative and yet…it works? I don’t know, it just feels so sincere and raw. I think a big part of that is how well the High Evolutionary works as a villain.

Chukwudi Iwuji is absolutely incredible in the part, preening ego and superficial charm masking volcanic, furious rage and poisonous resentment. But this is also a fantastically conceived villain on the writing level, a narcissistic, abusive parent as a cosmic god. Of course, that was also what Ego was. And Thanos too. It’s almost like this trilogy has a theme. But I think this is by far the most successful version of this Gunn has done. The interactions between the Evolutionary and Rocket all have a deeply upsetting air of authenticity. The scene where the Evolutionary staggers into Rocket’s cell, delirious and ranting after his “medical treatment” went wrong and starts yelling at the cowering racoon…strip out all the sci-fi trappings, yeah, you know what’s really going on there.

In the present, the Guardians learn that some of Rocket’s parts were built by a company called Orgocorp and start planning a raid and Nebula calls in a favour from the Ravagers, whose number now includes Gamora. This, as you can imagine, is no fun for anyone. Gamora has to deal with the fact that this guy she doesn’t know at all is still utterly heartbroken and pining for her, and the Guardians in general and Quill in particular have to deal with the fact that classic Gamora had, ahem, a bold personality.

The team infiltrate the Orgosphere, a massive gooey meatball in space. Honestly, the whole Orgosphere sequence should be a massive drag, it’s basically just there to pad out the run time because the team can’t just roll up at the High Evolutionary’s door at the start of the second act but it gets by on awesome character moments and sheer visual style.

There’s so much to love about this, Nathan Fillion’s cameo as a security guard, the kinder, gentler Guardians having to deal with Gamora’s more “Thanosy” approach to problem solving, Peter FINALLY getting to demonstrate that he’s actually a canny and intelligent hero and not the COLOSSAL idiot he was in Infinity War. Also, this:

I know it couldn’t happen. I know Peter realising he has to stop leaping from one woman to another like the world’s horniest frog is the entire point of his arc. I know it would have been terrible but…I really do love this pairing. I was never invested in Peter and Gamora but this I am here for. Plus, you know the sex would be amazing. For Peter.

While the gang get the information they need to find the High Evolutionary’s base, we get more flashbacks to Rocket’s childhood. The High Evolutionary discovered that Rocket had a genius level intellect and encouraged with love and affection. But then, once Rocket was able to fix a problem with his “Humanimals” (animal-human hybrids he was designing to be his “perfect” society) he coldly discarded him and told Rocket he would harvest his brain and euthanise all his friends.

So the reason the high Evolutionary is obsessed with Rocket is that he’s the only one of his creations who demonstrated true unique thinking rather than rote memorisation. This lends itself to an absolutely irresistable reading of the High Evolutionary as Disney and Rocket as James Gunn (or any actually creative person in their employ), with the Evolutionary trying and failing over and over again to mass produce genuine artistic creation and just not getting why it doesn’t work that way.

You know, I still haven’t seen it yet. Probably should stop dunking on it in case it turns out I love it. Hey, I liked Chicken Little. Weirder things have happened.

So Rocket planned a prison break which ended with Lylla, Teef and Floor getting shot right in front of his eyes.

This shot tears my fucking heart out, the starkness of it.

Rocket snaps and mauls the High Evolutionary’s face to puree and then steals a ship and flies off.

In the present, the Guardians arrive at Counter-Earth, the High Evolutionary’s latest attempt to create paradise which is basically if you asked an AI to create 1980s American suburbia and populated it with bat people.

It all looks normal until you start noticing weird little details that are just ever so slightly off (why do they have those weird little grassy verges between the road and the foot path? What’s that thing that looks like a cross between a sundial and a bird-bath? What’s with the weird buttons on the car doors?).

Peter, Groot and Nebula are able to get a steer to the High Evolutionary’s base while Mantis, Drax and Gamora stay behind to guard Rocket. Meanwhile Adam and his mother Ayesha (remember her from Guardians 2?) follow the Guardians to Counter-Earth because the Sovereign were also created by the High Evolutionary which, honestly, is one of the few things about this movie that I don’t like. If the High Evolutionary can create the Sovereign, a space-faring empire capable of creating super-beings like Adam, why the hell is he still tinkering around with the eighties bat-people? It just feels like a clunky way of linking the Evolutionary and the Sovereign which could probably have been done a bit more elegantly.

Anyway, on the drive over Peter, Groot and Gamora see that Counter-Earth is a failing society. They reach the HE’s HQ and Gamora has to stay outside because she’s carrying more firearms than the entire West Coast rap scene in the early nineties. Peter and Groot are brought into the Evolutionary’s presence and he explains that he once visited Earth and decided that it would make a great society if it weren’t for all the shittiness. Peter, who has heard enough supervillain monologues to last a lifetime and is so checked out, asks the HE if he really thinks Counter-Earth is perfect and he admits that no, obviously it isn’t. That’s why he’s blowing it up and starting again.

Back at the Bowie, Gamora has to defend the still unconscious Rocket from Adam Warlock but their battle is interrupted when the planet starts blowing up, which kills Ayesha, much to Adam’s grief. The High Evolutionary launches his headquarters into space, with Nebula, Drax and Mantis breaking in before take off to rescue Quill and Groot. BUT Quill and Groot have already shot their way out having gotten the code they need to deactivate Rocket’s kill switch so it’s just a mess and each group thinks the other is dead.

On the Bowie, Rocket dies and sees Lylla in the afterlife and, oh yeah, I pretty much start crying from this point and don’t stop until the credits. Bradley Cooper as Rocket in this scene, where he breaks down in tears over his guilt at letting her die…umpf. Lylla softly tells him that the sky is beautiful and it is forever. He asks if he can come with her, and she says yes. But not yet. He still has a purpose. He asks how can that be, as he was made to be thrown away.

“There are the hands that make us” she says. “And there are the hands that guide the hands.”

Fuck, I need a minute.

On the Evolutionary’s ship, Nebula, Drax and Mantis have a huge fight because Drax was supposed to stay with the ship and dragged Mantis along and now they’re all probably going to die because Drax is an idiot and Mantis is an idiot-enabler. But they then encounter the HE’s next experiments, an army of little mice-children and Drax is able to communicate with them because he’s really good with kids. Because, there are different kinds of intellifence.

Rocket returns to life and Nebula is able to get back in contact with them. But the High Evolutionary hijacks the signal and warns Peter to return Rocket to him his ASAP. Peter puts in a call to Kraglin who attacks the Evolutionary’s ship with Knowhere and we get an all out war. This gives us one of the best (and quite possibly last) truly great fight scenes of the MCU with a corridor battle between all of the Guardians and the HE’s goons that is just jaw-droppingly awesome.

While exploring the ship, Rocket discovers a lab full of Earth animals and realises that he is, in fact, a racoon after all. He gets ambushed by the High Evolutionary but the Guardians have Rocket’s back and proceed to administer the most satisfying villain beatdown in this 32 film cycle.

The others ask Rocket if he’s going to kill the now defeated Evolutionary and he says no, because he’s a Guardian of the Galaxy and they don’t kill. Apparently.

All these guys are just resting. In pieces.

The Guardians proceed to rescue everyone still trapped on the ship, not just the people but the animals too. Quill doesn’t make it off the ship in time and is left stranded in the vacuum of space and and freezes solid (this is the second time he’s done that and most doctors would recommend less than once). But, at the last moment he’s rescued by Adam Warlock who realised that the High Evolutionary was a bad one after he killed his mother.

If you think this imagery is unsubtle, you should read the original comics.

With the day saved, Peter decides to take his sister’s advice and to stop expecting the women in his life to make him whole. He announces that he’s leaving the Guardians to return home to Earth. There, he tearfully reunites with his grandfather, Jason Quill.

The movie ends with Rocket and the other Guardians sitting in Knowhere listening to Peter’s Zune. For the first time, he moves past Peter’s old music and picks something from the 2000’s, The Dog Days are Over by Florence and the Machine.

As the music plays over the speakers the people of Knowhere dance. Joyously. Ecstatically.

These characters, all of them, have been haunted by the past. Chained down by it. Lessened by it. Made crueller and meaner by it.

And now, at last, they’re free.

The dog days are over. The dog days are done.

***

Spouse of Mouse checked out of this series of movies a long time ago, but I was able to convince her to watch this one with me. After it was over she turned to me and said.

“Wow. That was the first good MCU movie I’ve seen in a long time.”

“Honey” I replied. “That may be the LAST good MCU movie you see in a long time.”

It may be. But it was worth it.

Scoring

Adaptation: 24/25

“Adaptation” is really the wrong word. The cosmos Gunn’s created in these movies is so much his own that any resemblance to the Marvel cosmic universe is often In Name Only. Who cares? This trilogy is the best space opera not named “Star Wars” and I’m not sure it’s not the best space opera period.

Our Heroic Heroes: 25/25

My GOD I will miss these guys.

Our Nefarious Villain: 25/25

Hey Marvel, now that Majors is out maybe take a look at what you got here?

Our Plucky Sidekicks: 24/25

I haven’t even mentioned the B story between Kraglin and Cosmo after he calls her a “Bad Dog”. I haven’t even mentioned a fraction of the weird kooky side-characters that populate this thing. An embarassment of riches, this movie.

The Stinger

On a distant planet we meet a new team of Guardians consisting of Rocket, Groot, Kraglin, Cosmo, Adam and one of the rescued children who is called *checks notes* oh holy shit, she’s Phyla Vell, apparently. Neat. Anyway, they leap into action to protect a village of aliens from attack. And the adventure continues.

And the audience went…

Yeah, I have about as much interest in seeing a James Gunn-less Guardians movie as I have in the exciting world of bear-baiting. Let it end, guys. There is literally nothing you could show me now that would pique my interest.

The Second Stinger

Peter and his grandfather have breakfast and bitch about Jason’s neighbour not mowing the lawn.

And the audience went…

I DEMAND to know the resolution of this plotline.

FINAL SCORE: 98%

NEXT UPDATE: Really sorry, I know I was late with this one but I have a shit ton of writing to catch up with so we’ll meet back here 18th January 2024.

NEXT TIME: Oh God, I hope it’s held up…