Just Another Speck in the Cosmos

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Hey you,

This may have been the quickest year we’ve had yet. It feelslike only yesterday when I packed a year’s worth of life into five cartons andmoved to a new city. It’s hard to believe that was twelve months ago. Movingplaces is always a romantic affair, don’t you think? The idea of leavingsomething behind and exploring something anew.

I’m not so sure what I’ve left behind. Maybe the crowd andthe frenzy that came with it. Maybe even a bit of loneliness and hurt from mycircle back there. But I do know what I’ve gained. A sense of calm. It’s onlywhen the water is still that you get to see clearly.

In the calm that came with this year, I’ve been able toindulge more consciously in the things I’ve taken for granted. Having thefreedom and choice to move cities on my own accord, for one. Having the time, andenergy to travel to places. Having the flexibility at work to fly home to myparents any time I’m needed.

I’ve made notable strides this year. Climbed theprofessional ladder, albeit a little late, made a big personal purchase,traveled abroad, signed up for an anthology publication, and even added moreplates to the barbell at the gym. Yes, the plates count.

But when I reminisce about the bygone year, it is not thesestrides that I think about. Of course, in their absence, I would be lamentingtheir lack of it. So let me correct myself, for I want to be clear that I amnot taking these accomplishments for granted. While these strides are dear tome, I have learned to value something else a lot more, the people closest tome.

I have come across many people over the year, a sea of facesthat came and went, some that were a powerhouse of talent, some that were kind,some that were outrageous, and some that were overly pretentious.  It was for the first time I realized thatfinding people of your own wavelength is not an easy task, especially for anintrovert.

I cannot stress enough the comfort of having my partner bymy side. To have someone to think aloud with, be silly with, giggle with. Tohave someone pick up the things you’ve dropped, be it your keys or yourconfidence. To have someone to unload to, to complement to.

I cannot appreciate enough the hours-long conversations Ihave with my family. Be it individually over the phone, or our weekly videocalls, or the dinner conversations at home. From the updates of the drama atwork, to the books or movies we’ve lately consumed, to politics or evencelebrity gossip, we cover a wide range of topics.

And I cannot cherish enough my girl gang from college. Notso much a gang but the two friends who have been a support system to me. We’vebeen actively exchanging compliments on each other’s outfits and keeping upwith each other’s miseries.

In the past few years, I’ve been struggling with a decliningslope of confidence since my days at school. At school, I was part of thelimelight in that little universe, so I did not take mediocrity very well whenI got out. I wanted to feel important again, and when it did not come easily, Iput myself down for it. If nothing else, my experiences have been quitehumbling. The world is too large and I’m just another speck in the cosmos.

Rather than trying to feel important among others, I’ve beentrying to understand my worth myself. I remember a scene from the movie Margaritawith a Straw, where the protagonist Laila goes on a solo date. The ideastuck with me, but I didn’t think I’d be comfortable doing that myself.

When last year, it so happened that I had the whole day tomyself on my birthday, I decided to dress up and go for a walk. What wasintended to be a half-hour business ended up being a whole day’s affair. I wentshopping in the mall, had my favourite food for lunch, and sat in a café with ajournal and wrote a long entry. It’s surprising how comfortable you can be withyourself when you’re not worried about what others think.

I decided to make solo dates a birthday ritual. This yearthe experience was as rewarding as the last. So, I’d like to appreciate thispart of me that prioritizes myself, because sometimes you need to remindyourself to do that.

I may be just another speck in the universe. But if you lookclose enough, a speck could be a vibrantly burning star. It’s just that onlythe ones in its orbit would appreciate its light.

So, I’m here today appreciating my orbit. I’m hereappreciating my light and that of the others. I’m here reminding myself of myblessings.

I’m here pushing you to keep going. Onwards and upwards.

Love and hugs,

Me

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This post is part of The Year & You blog hop hosted bySwarnali Nath.