It’s Christmas, and You Know What That Means—It’s Time For My Favourite Christmas Story! (Time-Shifted to Christmas Day Because Someone Fell Asleep Waiting for Santa)

It’s time for my favourite Christmas story!

This is not actually a Christmas story at all. I first heard it over twenty years ago, and when the holiday season rolled around, it was the first thing I thought of. So I’ve been posting it every year, and will do so until further notice:

One night, Confucius had a dream about chopsticks.

In the dream, cosmic forces transported him to Hell, where he saw multitudes of people sitting at enormous tables set out with wonderful foods of all kinds. There was so much food that the tables groaned under the weight and the various delightful aromas made the mouth water. But while the people sitting at the tables were obviously hungry (and hangry), they hadn’t touched any of it.

They had been told they could eat as much as they liked but only if they used chopsticks that were five feet long. None of them could figure out how to eat with five-foot-long chopsticks—it was an impossible situation, a problem nobody could solve. All they could do was stare at the delectable yet untouchable feast laid out in front of them and cry in hunger, misery, and deprivation.

Then Confucius was transported to Heaven where he saw the same kind of scene: lots of people sitting around enormous tables laden with glorious foods. They, too, had been told they were allowed to eat as much as they wanted but with the same proviso: they had to use five-foot-long chopsticks. 

These people, however, weren’t crying with hunger, misery, and deprivation. They were eating their fill, talking and laughing together, enjoying themselves.

Because in Heaven, they were feeding each other.

My friends, whatever holiday you celebrate, however you celebrate it, I hope it’s heavenly.