Feedback Request


 The author of the book featured in Face-Lift 1439 would  like feedback on the following version of the query:


Harlow is the last corrupted human alive. She’s been strong enough to contain the curse within her, which forces her to spread dark magic that turns others into ash. One touch will reveal her secret [Not clear if this means touching someone turns them to ash, or if physical contact with you reveals Harlow has this curse and you better run before she's forced to turn you to ash.] [If she fails to contain the curse, does the dark magic turn everyone to ash, or everyone nearby, or everyone she touches?] and her strength is slipping. If she can reach the queen’s palace, the mages there can cure her. She hopes. [I would change to something like this: Harlow is the last corrupted human alive. So far, she’s managed to contain the curse within her, but one lapse and she'll be forced to spread dark magic that turns others into ash. Instead of "others," you might be more specific about who and how many. Also, I left out the mages, as someone else claims to have a cure, and she doesn't know if either option will work.]
When her older brother, Len, is accused of serving the banished prince and stealing an ancient relic, he mysteriously disappears. Branded as his accomplice and with her secret exposed, [How was her secret exposed? Did she turn anyone into ash?] Harlow is thrown into chaos [Thrown into chaos? What does that mean?] until an assassin intervenes and offers escape. Taken into a secret society, their leader explains her curse is a power that can find corrupted objects, just like the one Len stole. [That sentence, technically, says that the leader is taken into the secret society. Better to say Harlow is taken into a secret society whose leader explains . . . ] If she brings it to him, he’ll let her go. He might even tell her where to find a cure without the mages['] help. [how to remove the curse.]
While Harlow learns to harness the curse, she discovers the relic’s true purpose: to turn life into Corruption. Caught between the queen’s executioners and the banished prince hunting Len, she has no choice but to work with the assassin. As their uneasy alliance forges an undeniable spark, Harlow faces an impossible choice: save the kingdom, Len, or herself. That’s if the curse doesn’t force her to become a nightmare first. [Become a killer?] [I don't think you need the first sentence of this paragraph. You don't explain how discovering the relic's purpose affects anything.]

Notes
If the prince is hunting Len, why would anyone think Len is serving the prince?


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Published on December 13, 2023 13:27
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