The Drunk Ant Algorithm
Hmmm, how did my bread crumbs lead to lavalamps and scented candles?
If you spend much time online, you will knowthat you leave virtual bread crumbs wherever you go. Algorithms built intowebsites feed on these bread crumbs and kick back suggestions for what youmight want to buy. It is quite annoying, but a fact of life.
The Microsoft Edge home pageoffers me suggestions “Inspired by Your Shopping Interests”. I normally pay noattention to these suggestions. But recently I skimmed them to see how welltuned the algorithms are. The answer: not so much. A few examples of what waspitched to me.
“I’m Not Old, I’m Classic” Tumbler: Okay, this is on target as I am retired. But I already have a I’m 65, Leave Me the Hell Alone coffee mug and a I’m in No Hurry, I’m Retired water bottle. So I am well covered on that front, thank you very much.
Snow Tires: I checked into new snow tires for mycar a couple of months back. Now every time I go online I am inundated withsnow tire offers. I only have one car! I am covered for the next five years atleast. How do I tell that to the algorithms so they take tires out of the equation?
FIXD Bluetooth OBD2 Scanner for Car: I do not even know what this devicedoes. But I know I do not want one. If the algorithms were really effective,they would know that I am technology averse. Stop offering me things that Iwould take a hammer to if I stumbled upon them!
Gifts for 5 to 11 Year Old Teenage Girls: What the hell?! I can safely assertthat I have never searched online for anything that would relateto 5 to 11 year old girls. (By the way, when did 5 to 11 become teenage years?)Same applies for the Ravensclaw Crest and Temodu Kids Camera. Thealgorithms must have hiccupped or become corrupted in these instances!
Lavewaves Motion Lava Lamp: I did not even know that Lava Lampsstill exist. Wasn’t that a ‘60s thing? I suspect it was my Amazon Gifts forChristmas search that triggered this offer. Rest assured that, if you areon my Christmas gift list, you will not be getting a Lava Lamp!
Professor Puzzle Indoor Boredom Box: This kit contains games and puzzles. Iam puzzled as to why it is being offered to me. I do not like puzzles. Iam rarely bored and if I was it would not be a board game I would seek out. ProfessorPuzzle will have to look elsewhere for buyers.
I know nothing about the technology behindalgorithms. But I understand that one of the early ones was called the AntColony Optimization Algorithm. This algorithm “aimed to search for anoptimal path in a graph based on the behaviour of ants seeking a path betweentheir colony and a source of food”. Huh? You lost me at “optimal path”.
Maybe this early algorithm is still inuse. If so, the ants it is modeled on must have gotten into some alcohol andwere scurrying around drunk as a skunk. How else would they have predicted thatI would be interested in the You’re the best thing I’ve ever found on theInternet Scented Candle?
~ Now Available Online from Amazon, ChaptersIndigo or Barnes & Noble: Hunting Muskie, Rites of Passage – Stories byMichael Robert Dyet
~ Michael Robert Dyet is also the author of Untilthe Deep Water Stills – An Internet-enhanced Novel (now out of print) which wasa double winner in the Reader Views Literary Awards 2009. Visit Michael’swebsite at www.mdyetmetaphor.com
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