Stocking Stuffer
Emily took Jimmy to Christmas Eve mass – not out of obligation to any faith (she had none), but in honor of her husband (who did). Though she never admitted it, Emily actually enjoyed going to church on Christmas – if only for the music. Despite her stance on religion, how could she not be moved? This year, one song in particular stirred her in a totally unexpected way she hadn’t ever felt before: “O Come All Ye Faithful.” She was overcome by the pure beauty of it and the hope it promised. Though it wasn’t a “come to Jesus” moment, it was as close to having a spiritual encounter that she could remember in years. It was also James’s favorite Christmas song.
After church, they stopped for Chinese carry out – another tradition. They saved their fortune cookies for last, of course.
Jimmy read his out loud: “May the ghosts of your ancestors be the guiding light in your life,”
“Awww, that’s nice,” Emily said.
“What are ancestors?” Jimmy asked.
“Your relatives that have come before you.”
“Like daddy?”
“More like people from previous generations.”
“What are generations?”
“Like hundreds of years ago.”
“What does your fortune say, Mommy?”
It was a half-off coupon for her next meal. They all laughed – just the fortune they all needed.
At least it wasn’t a blank fortune like James got long ago. Though they made light of it, James’s family history certainly gave them pause.
“What does that mean?!”
“Probably exactly what it says,” James assured her. “Nothing.”
She could tell it was bothering him more than he was letting on, but then he ate his cookie and it all seemed forgotten.
Before bed, Emily read The Night Before Christmas to Jimmy – an annual tradition, using James’s childhood copy. Emily was exhausted, but knew the real work would begin after Jimmy was asleep – the stealthy placement of Christmas presents under the tree. James gladly used to do this part, allowing her to go straight to sleep. She handled the wrapping. Even though James liked to help with that, he was forbidden. His wrapping was God-awful.
“There was no way that Santa – or his Elves – could possibly wrap that poorly,” she teased him.
James agreed.
“Okay, mister,” Emily said to Jimmy. “Time for bed. Santa will be here before you know it.”
Just as they started heading upstairs for bed, Jimmy stopped in his tracks:
“Aren’t we forgetting something?”
“What, sweetheart?”
“A note for Santa. And cookies! And carrots for his reindeer!”
“Oh my gosh, how could we forget?”
“I didn’t. You did.”
She laughed.
“Well, excuuuse me!” she retorted.
He then grabbed a few cookies and set them on a plate, along with a glass of milk.
“And we need to leave a note.”
She grabbed some paper and a pen.
“Okay, you dictate and I will write.”
“What’s dicktaste?”
“Dictate! You speak. I write.”
“Oh. Ok.”
She tried to stifle her laughter.
“What’s so funny?”
“You.”
“Why?”
“Because I said so.”
“Actually, how about you write it. I will help you spell if you need help.”
“I don’t want to.”
“Don’t you want to make Santa proud of you? And Daddy?”
That did the trick. She would milk that motivational tool for as long as she could. When it was all said and done, the letter read as follows:
“Dear Santa. I know you can’t bring my daddy back. But I know you would if you could. Thank you for whatever presents you give me. Love, Jimmy.”
She had to try so hard to keep from crying. They headed upstairs for bed.
“Goodnight, my sweet little elf!” Emily said, after tucking him in and saying his prayers.
“I’m not an elf.”
“You’re my elf.”
“You’re an elf.”
“Then that makes two elves.”
She kissed him gently on the forehead.
“Merry Christmas, sweetheart.”
She waited until he joined the land of sugar plum fairies, then headed off to gather the presents and place them under the tree. She then filled Jimmy’s stocking, which she placed alongside her and James’s empty ones. She considered filling her stocking, because she knew Jimmy would have questions as to why Santa didn’t fill hers, but she then ultimately decided that the presence of James’s empty one would somehow make it worse. This was the type of analysis she was going to have to do with just about every decision in the weeks, months, and probably years to come.
She headed to bed, as a steady snow began to fall, hoping she could get some sleep, because of course Jimmy would be up bright and early. Normally, she would have preferred that he slept in, but if he didn’t wake up bright and early and excited for Christmas, then she would be deeply concerned.
All she wanted for Christmas was for her son to be happy. For at least one day. As memories of Christmases past danced in her heads, she realized that sleep was evasive. She settled on one Christmas in particular. Their one and only Christmas in New York. Their first Christmas together.
“Christmas in New York?” she said when James first suggested it. “I can’t think of anywhere I’d rather be.”
He was genuinely shocked, if only because he didn’t think she would give up a Christmas with her parents.
“What about your parents?”
“Hell no. They’re not coming with us,” Emily snapped.
“No,” he laughed. “I mean, are you willing to miss Christmas with them?”
“Yeah. For sure.”
“Are you prepared for one of your mom’s guilt trips?”
“She’ll get over it. Are you trying to get me to change my mind?”
“Of course not.”
She threw herself at him and gave him an enormous hug.
“We can finally trace Holden’s footsteps!” James proclaimed.
And so, they did. It was as magical a Christmas setting either one had ever imagined. As directed by Nora Ephron. It was their first trip. Their relationship was still in its infancy, but they had long since reached the point where they were in a comfortable rhythm with one another, wildly turned on, and oh so madly and deeply in love.
Is there a more magical time than Christmas to be in love?
In the days leading up to the trip, she tried to suppress any suspicions she had that he had an ulterior motive for the trip. A proposal. She figured it was way too soon, right?
By the same token, she would have said “yes” in a heartbeat if he popped the question. She had to keep reminding herself not to be disappointed if he didn’t. Even if he wanted to, he probably knew it was much too soon.
At each stop along their magical Holden tour, she kept thinking to herself that the moment had come! Beginning with Grand Central Station, followed by the American Museum of Natural History, Radio City Music Hall, and the Metropolitan Museum of Art.
She would later turn her photos into an award-winning series that documented the locations from the book, along with corresponding quotes from the novel.
As they approached the lagoon in Central Park, James exclaimed like only a diehard Catcher fan could do:
“Ducks!”
They walked past the zoo and carousel, at which point James recited one of their favorite passages from memory.
“‘I felt so damn happy all of sudden, the way old Phoebe kept going around and around. I was damn near bawling, I felt so damn happy… God, I wish you could’ve been there.’”
“You memorized all that?”
“Impressed?”
“Yeah! I suck at memorizing anything.”
“If I ever have children, I want to bring them here,” James said.
That would be nice,” Emily said, coyly.
“In the meantime, would you like to ride with me?”
“Sure!”
And so they did.
There was one last stop on their tour and therefore one more chance to propose. What was a more fitting spot than the Rockefeller Center Skating Rink? Neither one of them had ever ice skated before, but they were determined to give it a whirl. As it turned out, most of the time on the rink was spent either keeping one another upright…or, helping one another up. And they had never laughed harder in their lives. At one point, after she fell, he helped her back up, then stayed on one knee for a bit. She felt her heart stop, but it wouldn’t be until the following summer that he finally did pop the question. Up north at the Mission Point Lighthouse, overlooking Lake Michigan. She wouldn’t have changed it for the world.
It wasn’t until the night after their post-coital engagement sex, while their bodies lay intertwined in bed, that she confessed how she was anticipating the proposal on their trip to New York.
“Oh yeah?” James asked. “And what would you have done if I did?”
“I would have said yes.”
“Well, for the record, I did consider it.”
“So why didn’t you?”
“Because I honestly thought you would think it was too early. So, I resisted with all my might. I almost caved a couple of times.”
“When?”
“Ice skating.”
She knew exactly when before he even said it.
“You fell. And I got on one knee and came so close to asking.”
“Did you have a ring?”
“Of course!”
Her heart skipped a beat.
Of course.
“Well, I’m glad you did it when you did. It was perfect.”
“Me, too. And yes, it was.”
It truly was.
And it was on this note that Emily finally drifted off to sleep, with visions of sugar plum fairies dancing in her head.
Jimmy woke her up well before six just as he normally did and she couldn’t have been happier.
“Merry Christmas,” Emily said.
“Merry Christmas!” Jimmy said back. “And eww, your breath stinks.”
“Yours too, mister!”
“Can we go downstairs now?” Jimmy asked.
“Sure.”
She slowly climbed out of bed and looked out the window. A fresh blanket of snow had covered the world. They headed downstairs. Jimmy had the wide-eyed glee that only Christmas morning can bring. If only she could bottle this moment up and return to it when needed. When they reached the bottom of the steps, one thing was clear:
Santa had indeed come.
Emily reveled in the holly jolly normalcy of it all. In that moment, the piercing void that both Emily and Jimmy felt in their hearts was – not replaced – but dulled. If only for a moment. However, fleeting.
Jimmy surveyed his gifts with gleeful excitement, but then like a needle to a balloon, or screeching across a record:
“He didn’t eat his cookies!”
Fuck!
How did she forget to hide them! And how was she going to get out of this one? Of course, James not only wouldn’t have forgotten, but he always went the extra mile to leave a few crumbs, or even a bite behind for added effect. He also usually left a few strands of red fabric off of the Christmas tree skirt on the carpet and dangled some on the side of the fireplace to create the illusion that that Santa snagged his suit.
One year, he left one carrot behind because one of the reindeer apparently – was it Blitzen? – didn’t like carrots anymore and only ate cookies.
How could she possibly keep up?
“And he left no note, either!” Jimmy bemoaned.
Double fuck!
Once again, she reverted to spin control.
“He must have been running behind and didn’t have time! Plus, he gets so many cookies! I’m sure he isn’t starving. Maybe Mrs. Claus has him on a diet.”
That seemed to do the trick. A year from now, she had a feeling she would have to become craftier. Fortunately, he wasn’t going to dwell on it – not with all those presents awaiting him under the tree. Fortunately, the crisis was quickly averted.
She wouldn’t do what her mother did, which was feel guilty about lying about the whole Santa thing and flat out admitting there was no such thing the first time she even began to question it.
Emily put on the Merry Christmas Johnny Mathis album. A Christmas morning tradition in both her and James’s family. Nothing felt more quintessential Christmas to them than that.
Jimmy noticed his stuffed stocking. Next to his parents’ empty ones.
“Why didn’t Santa put anything in your stocking?”
Perhaps she should have filled hers after all. After all, why wouldn’t Santa still come for her? She just figured that seeing James’s lonely, empty stocking would somehow make it worse.
“Maybe Santa decided that only kids should get gifts this year?”
“That isn’t very fair,” he said.
“Go ahead and start opening your gifts!”
After Jimmy opened up his stocking stuffers, he dug his hand into his mother’s. Much to both of their surprise:
“Wait. Santa did leave you something!”
Emily didn’t believe him until he pulled out a small, wrapped present from her stocking. A forgotten gift from last year. It was the only explanation, but she would stick to Jimmy’s Santa theory.
“Open it, mommy!” he said, handing it to her.
So, she did. It was a pair of earrings. From Kohl’s. Nothing fancy. Which was perfect. She didn’t like fancy. And James knew that and respected that. Despite the simplicity of Kohl’s, she was admittedly the hardest person on earth to shop for. How many gifts did she make James return over the years? Most of them, in fact. And he bought her a lot of gifts. He learned early on to always save the receipts. He must have been frustrated because he loved giving gifts – far more than receiving them, in fact. And even though his success rate was low, he never gave up. Every now and then, he would somehow manage to strike gold.
As she looked at the earrings, the absolute no-frills normalcy of this discovery filled her with unexpected joy.
A true Christmas miracle.
She began to cry when it struck her that this was the last gift she would ever receive from him. Then again, she thought that about the anniversary gift she found, too. And the flowers. Perhaps she would continue to receive gifts.
“Why are you crying, mommy?”
“Because I’m so happy!”
“Then why are you crying?”
“Because I didn’t think Santa would remember me.”
“He must know you are sad and miss daddy.”
“Yeah…”
“Put them on!” Jimmy said.
And so, she did.
“Very pretty.”
“Thank you.”
As Johnny Mathis crooned “I’ll be Home for Christmas”, she tried not to cry.
I’ll be home for Christmas
You can plan on me
Please have snow and mistletoe
And presents by the tree
Christmas eve will find me
Where the love light gleams
I’ll be home for Christmas
If only in my dreams
I’ll be home for Christmas
You can plan on me
Please have some snow and mistletoe
And presents by the tree
Christmas eve will find me
Where the love light gleams
I’ll be home for Christmas
If only in my dreams
I’ll be home for Christmas
If only in my dreams.
As much as she wanted to hold it together for Jimmy, she couldn’t help but feel haunted by the ghosts of Christmas past.
Jimmy stopped in the middle of opening a gift.
“Mommy?”
“I’m okay.”
He set his gift down and hugged her. Nobody said anything, letting the music wash over them. Someday, Jimmy would play this album with his family on Christmas morning. Would he remember this moment? She hoped so. But would he remember it in a warm, nostalgic way? In a sad, forlorn way? Or, would he never remember at all?
Later, they dined on ham and a smorgasbord of sides. After dinner, they played Clue – a gift from Santa – then watched Miracle on 34th Street while eating Christmas cookies.
And all was right with the world. If even for a moment.
