show up and surrender, surrender and show up. (or, what I learned this fall)

This fall I’ve been learning a lot about the concepts of surrendering and showing up. They might seem like they don’t have much in common, but actually, I think they go hand-in-hand. Surrender to what God has for you and then show up for it. Show up for your life and then surrender.

Admittedly, surrendering isn’t something that I used to think about on a regular basis. I wasn’t actively surrendering the different components of my life to God. But that changed about a month ago when a new situation in my life came up. No matter what ends up happening with this circumstance, I wanted to make sure I was approaching it the right way from the very beginning. So I surrendered it to God–and then when I felt myself tightening my grip, wanting control, I surrendered it again. And then again. And then again–sometimes as often as “every ten minutes,” as I exasperatedly told a friend one day.

And as the Lord has been teaching me more about the importance of surrender, I’ve been making a point to surrender other aspects of my life to Him, too, even when it sets my teeth on edge because I maybe don’t necessarily want to surrender XYZ (as if He doesn’t already have control over it anyway). There have been many anxious 3 AM prayer sessions where I talk myself all over again through the truths of what I know about God; that He is sovereign, that He is good, that He will not lead me where He does not follow–where He is not already there ahead of me. That (as a mentor told me many years ago) whatever God has for me will be good, because the center of His will is the best place to be.

I think my realization about the importance of surrendering may have started back in late September, when I had a “dream day”–something I want to start doing quarterly or so. I was in a new town by myself for a doctor appointment, and I took advantage of the beautiful afternoon to visit a new park; write out some dreams I have (both realistic dreams for my current season, and dreams that I’m not sure I’ll ever be able to fulfill short of a miracle); and pray over each one, surrendering it to God. It was an incredibly special and intimate time with the Lord and it helped me think anew about the importance of surrender.

My friend Hannah, who has a book on a similar topic coming out soon, has also really helped me see these concepts of surrender and showing up more clearly this fall. She shared a great podcast interview where she talked about how our generation doesn’t have FOMO, we have FOBO–fear of a better option. We don’t want to commit to things because we want to keep our options open in case something better comes along. But that’s actually hurting us so much more than we know. I completely agree with her take and I’ve long been an advocate for doing something; God will show you if it’s not the right thing, but don’t get stuck in decision paralysis. I’m trying to show up for my own life, making conscious decisions. I’m not waiting for my life to start–this is my life, right now. I’m living it today. I’m not falling prey to FOBO; I’m choosing and committing and staying.

I think I’m also in a season where I’m reaping the fruit of things I’m invested in, and it’s making me realize how important is to commit and invest. The last couple of years, as my physical capacity has narrowed, I’ve chosen to narrow my focus and go deep instead of wide (which is the opposite of my natural bent as an enneagram 3, lol)–choosing just a few things instead of trying to do everything, and really showing up fully and well for those few things, giving them my best rather than spreading myself painfully thin. For example, at the start of 2022 I made the decision to commit more fully to my church. With whatever energy I had, I chose to prioritize being at church, serving my church, and spending time with people from my church. And I cannot tell you how important that decision was. I love my church and my church family with all of my heart, and being more fully involved and committed with a local body of believers has changed my life.

Other places I’ve committed to show up include my music studio/my songwriting, and friendships (along with my creative pursuits and passions, my female friendships are one of the most important things in my life). Even though I’ve been very sick lately, there have still been so many times, even in just the past couple of weeks, where my heart has simply overflowed with pure happiness and love for my people and my community. God doesn’t waste anything; love is not something that can be wasted. Long story short, I am seeing the fruit of these commitments now. And it tastes so very sweet.

My friend Hannah also shared an Instagram Reel this fall about how there aren’t shortcuts to growth–how the best way to reach a goal or a milestone is to just show up, and then to keep showing up. To take the next step. It made me think of the results I’ve seen after changing the way I study the Bible/do my quiet time this summer. It’s a long story (ask me about it if you want! Basically just better learning how my brain retains information lol), but part of those changes included being more consistent–actually sitting down to open my Bible, focus, and read and pray in-depth every day instead of just whizzing through my Scripture memory app from bed and calling it done. And this is another area where I’m absolutely seeing fruit. My relationship with God feels so much stronger and closer, and I approach my day and others differently. Showing up for our spiritual disciplines is part of our sanctification.

This was mostly a big ramble (what else is blogging for?), but this is what I’ve been learning the past few months. The importance of surrender. The importance of showing up. I remember a recent night when I laid flat on my back in a hospital bed, staring at the fluorescent lights above me (see below), thinking about my current situation and listening on repeat to a song that I’m just now realizing is called Your Surrender. I remember 1 AM this morning, when I couldn’t sleep and was feeling so uncertain about my future, panicking about things where I really just need to CHILL. I remember the people who have surrounded me recently with spontaneous invites to coffee because they want to hear the updates, and drives home when I freak out in public because I’m a mess right now, and (so many, sorry y’all) texts reading along the lines of “it hasn’t been long enough to panic, just keep praying through it. And also switch to decaf babe.”

I think maybe as long as I keep surrendering, and keep showing up… it’ll be alright.