TOO NOISY

I trashed more posts this month than ever. The older I get the more meaningless I feel words are. Mine specifically.

Everything feels noisy. My skin. The sky. Your hair.

The weight of failure is noisy. I keep failing. It keeps screaming. But the weight isn’t as heavy as I thought it would be. Maybe I’m stronger than I used to be.

I had a blogging friend stop talking to me after decades because of noisy words. I hurt his feelings or something. I’m not sure. Unresolved but still noisy.

I have other friends I can’t find words for. Time swallows more and more words. The silence has become noisy.

I started a website that hasn’t seen a sale. All I can do is walk away for a bit. It’ll be okay. I haven’t failed yet I just need some distance from that particular noise.

I got swallowed up over Thanksgiving break making more things that probably won’t sell. It made life a bit more quiet for a bit. Just the process of working with my hands. Of creating. Of speaking without words.

I want to be with my boyfriend but distance is harder to dissolve than we had hoped. Only time will allow the distance to melt away. In the meantime the distance is noisy.

I’m life tired. With every word I choose not to speak or write I’m sinking further into my weariness. I’m convinced there is a magic behind thoughtful words and I just don’t have any magic left in me.

It’s just too noisy.