GUEST POST: Lillian Csernica on Finding Happiness in Writing

I’m delighted to welcome author Lillian Csernica, who writeseloquently from the heart about her life. She says the following essay “embodiesthe main theme of my NaNoWriMo project, Keep Getting Up.”

 

HAPPINESS: A WELCOMESTRANGER

By Lillian Csernica

 

If you ask me where I make room for my happiness, it willtake me a minute or two to come up with a reply. Not because I don't know whereI keep it, but because in a very real sense, I don't have any to keep. I livewith Major Depressive Disorder. It's not like I get depressed every now andthen. I'm depressed all the time. I have to fight my way out of it to a stateof mind that approximates the kind of baseline cheerfulness that gets mostpeople through their day. The specific name for the no-happiness part of mycondition is anhedonia. That's the inability to experience pleasure from normalactivities such as watching a funny movie or playing with a pet. If that soundssad, it is. Some days it goes beyond sad all the way into tragic. I sit thereand watch life go by. I can see the colors and hear the sounds, but I can'tfeel anything other than depression. The tastes, the smells, the textures arethere but they don't connect to the pleasure center in my brain.

I've had to actively seek out qualified people who taught methe skills I need to change my perceptions and reframe my thinking. I might notbe able to feel happiness, but I take great pleasure in other people's joy.Here are two examples:

My son John just finished taking a class at the library onusing a digital camera and laptop to make movies. He learned how to use somenew software and do some interesting things with the storyboard pages he'dspent so much time drawing. John doesn't have a completed animation projectyet, but he did master a new part of the process in just one hour. I put theexperience in context for him, explaining how the animators he admires had tolearn step-by-step methods as well. John is proud of himself.Michael, my older son, just brought home his latestaward-winning art project. He and his aide had kept it in his classroom untilsummer school ended because it's a triptych with two of the panels created bytwo of Michael's classmates. It shows a street scene right off the beach inCapitola, done in multimedia that includes paint and crayon and some glitter.While Michael didn't make it into the Top Three for this year's school districtart contest, he and his team received ribbons for Awards of Merit. All of us athome made much over Michael winning his fourth award for an art project.

 

I think I'm the closest to real happiness that I can getthese days when I write. When I get into the creative trance, all sense of timepassing vanishes. I leave behind the sorrows of the real world and functionwithin the world of my story. I am on that intuitive wavelength where I'mprocessing structure and characterization and setting and dialogue all the waydown to the microwriting level of word choice and punctuation placement. Icould be a gem cutter working with the magnifiers and the precision tools thatallow me to cut a stone into a solitaire, a baguette, a marquise, whatever bestsuits the particular gem. I reach into the story itself for its reality, itsshape, the right way to show off its color, cut, and clarity. There is nopleasure like the pleasure of finding the exact word and putting it in theideal setting.

I have to work hard at making room for happiness in my mindand in my life. Every day I have to survive in an environment of ongoingtragedy, knowing that because of their disabilities, both of my sons will notenjoy everything life has to offer them. I've learned that I can't hold on tohappiness. Life changes too quickly, and some of the changes are permanent.I've learned that I have to take medication to correct my brain chemistry so Ican get out of bed in the morning and get through the demands of each day. I'velearned that I can't let my mental and emotional room be taken up by negativefeelings and old baggage. Most of all, I've learned that if I just keep stilland be in this present moment, happiness will wave at me or throw me a smile.Once in a while, it will even come and sit beside me so we can share themoment.

 

Lillian Csernica writes fantasy, romance, and horror. Hershort stories have appeared in Weird Tales, Fantastic Stories, and Jewels ofDarkover. Her Kyoto Steampunk short stories can be found in the ClockworkAlchemy anthologies Twelve Hours Later, Thirty Days Later, Some Time Later and Next Stop On The #13. SHIP OF DREAMS, an historical romance, is set in the Caribbean of 1725during the Golden Age of piracy. A genuine California native born in San Diego,Lillian resides in the Santa Cruz mountains with her two sons and three cats.Visit her at lillian888.wordpress.com.