Deep Breath and Start

Tomorrow at 7.30 in the evening, I’m doing a book talk. This morning, I’m off to the hairdresser’s for a restyle. I don’t want to think about tomorrow evening because I need to control the panic I’m feeling inside. Too often, I’ve had no control over my life, which has stopped me from believing in myself and growing.

A few days ago, I allowed my thoughts to wander into my past, to things best forgotten. These were things that were beyond my control. I was a small child, with no understanding of what was happening to another person and me. What I did understand was trust. The two people in control of the situation were people I was supposed to trust and feel safe with, but the game they were playing didn’t feel right.

The trouble with growing older is things begin to make sense. It’s kind of like editing a story or a novel. You need space and distance between it and you, for everything to become much clearer. Suddenly, you get a better understanding of why you view the world the way you do. I’m not a religious person. For me, there isn’t a god or a devil, only humans. There are good people and wicked people. There are seekers of the truth, people trying to be the best they can be. Then some hide behind their masks pretending to be good, but are only thinking of themselves and what brings them pleasure.

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I’ve never been a confident person. Doubting myself constantly, and as for trusting others around me. That’s non existent.

Why?

Because the people in my life who had titles that meant to mean something special to me, couldn’t be trusted to deliver.

Like in life, one expects certain people, with titles to be flawless. A man of God or a nun should be perfect and holy. A police, politician, and lawyer should be lawful and trustworthy. A judge too, must be trustworthy. A doctor must do everything within his power to save life, and a nurse must be caring, but in life, too often those we should be able to trust, fall short of what we expect of them.

After all, they are only human

But, isn’t that just making excuses. Yes, we are all open to weakness, temptation and a moment of error. We all have the right to make a mistake once in our short lives and ask for forgiveness. This can only happen, if we learn from our mistakes, and never do it again. Too often some become arrogant. If they have got away with it once, then they can do it again. Use it to their advantage.

The problem I have been left with is that I’m not compassionate. It isn’t that I don’t care about others, it is that I always feel others are using terrible situations to get what they want., rather than trying to solve a negative problem for themselves.

When I was young, I was constantly being told I had to learn to stand on my own two feet. That I couldn’t expect others to be there for me. If you don’t like the situation you’re in, then change it.

Our time on earth is limited. There is no guarantee that tomorrow will come, and we cannot change the past. We cannot go back in time to correct our mistakes or erase our regrets. Therefore, it’s crucial for our mental well-being to accept our past for what it is and learn to live with it. Rather than dwelling on the past and wishing things were different, we must embrace the present and strive to make the most of the time we have left.

With this in mind, I will stand in front of an audience and take a deep breath and start my talk. All the negative thoughts from my past will no longer have control over my life. I am flawless. All the anger, hatred, disappointment, and mistrust has gone. I’m at peace with myself.

My writing and art are my saviours. With these, I have learnt to deal with negative emotions, and through my characters I can resolve many of the unpleasant things that have happened to me and bring about positive endings.

Be at peace with yourself, and strive to be happy.

Chat again soon.