Chapter 114: In Which I Discuss Last Year's Wrestlemania
I've been a pro wrestling fan for a longtime. Some of my fondest memories involve watching WWF Superstars with mylittle sister. It seemed like any Saturday morning show, with sneering villainsand larger-than-life heroes. The All-American Lex Luger was going against the"Japanese" heel Yokozuna and I could not wait for Luger to slam him.It was like watching WMAC Masters,only with less reruns.
However, I was only getting half thestory. Eventually, I discovered Monday Night Raw, which during the mid-90s wasgoing through a strange transition. You had Bret Hart, a champion who was heelin America and face everywhere else. His main enemies were a trash-talkingTexas redneck and a male stripper. The show felt gritty and adult and scrappy.It seemed like they scripted on the fly, two hours of chaos flying at thescreen. I loved it.
The WWF's programming grew along with me,so I started high school right at the start of the Attitude Era. I had a prettydiverse group of friends, and it seemed the unifying factor was that EVERYBODYloved wrestling. The question was who was your favorite. Mine was Chris Benoit,who I respected for his technique and showmanship. He could get a good matchout of anybody and knew counters to more moves than I could keep track of. I loved thatfloppy arm swinging he would do to get out of the Walls of Jericho. Anyways, Ihad a friend who loved Jericho, another who marked for Too Cool/Rikishi,another who loved American Badass-era Undertaker, and another who adored theHardy Boyz like they were the Backstreet Boys.
In short, I've been a wrestling fan along time, but the love is waning. Occasionally I'll watch Lucha Underground ora Ring of Honor match. The WWE is really bad now. Monday Night Raw hasn't beenmust-see TV in years, but I read the recaps, and their Road to Wrestlemaniathat started with the Royal Rumble has been a legendary bedshitting. So awfulthat it's actually entertaining to read about just to see how far they'll go todisappoint their fans. From Roman Reigns getting booed at the Royal Rumble tohis laughable tug o' war with Brock Lesnar on Monday, the WWE has doneeverything to seemingly kill interest in the show. The only feud they haven'tmessed up is the Cena/Rusev Rocky IV retread,which will end with Cena winning, and Rusev getting shunted down the card untilthey eventually fire him. I can't get excited about somebody losing his job.
Wrestlemania is in the Bay this year andI wouldn't go if somebody gave me a free ticket. So I'll write about lastyear's Wrestlemania.
At the time, the WWE’s attempt to pushDaniel Bryan from the main event was frustrating, maddening. And downrightbizarre. A multi-million dollar company was actively trying to make theaudience not cheer for its most popular performer. What other business punishesa guy for being too good at his job? The fans rebelled, hijacking multipleMonday Night Raws with "Dan-iel Bry-an" chants.
When Batista won the Royal Rumble, I wasconsidering selling my ticket. They had no plans for Bryan and it looked likethe main event was going to be a heel vs. heel trainwreck between Batista andOrton. Then the company followed the fan response, turned Batista heel, and putBryan in the main event via a people power storyline taken straight out of theOccupy Movement.
In short, the WWE was ready to have anawful Wrestlemania, and the fans forced them to have a good one.
Bryan's twisting road to the championshiphad some truly great moments. For instance, they tried to de-push him by makinghim join the Wyatt Family. Making your most popular performer into amidcarder's henchman is, of course, a recipe for disaster. When the fans stillcheered him, he turned on Wyatt, leading to this exhilarating cageconfrontation and the electrifying crowd reaction.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ttiGT...
Goosebumps. Then there was also the go-home show before 'Mania, which didn’t end in a preschool tug o' war, but an epic beatdown on hisarch-nemesis Triple H.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ttiGT...
Bryan Danielson had an organic rise tothe top of the card that was exhilarating to watch. A lot of the time, the WWEinsists on forcing things, and it ends up terrible. For instance, they tried toturn CM Punk heel when the audience wasn't ready. So you have him doingincreasingly dastardly stuff trying to make people hate him, includinginsulting the dead, and he gets cheered like Hogan. All through his heel run,he looked uncomfortable, exhausted, and over it . . . which he was. Punk leftthe company within the year.
Now they're pushing Roman Reigns as thenext big face before he's ready and he's getting boos. Getting force-pushed tothe top of the card exposed all his flaws as a performer. They wanted a newCena, and right it's looking like they'll get a new Orton or Batista. Aself-entitled douchebag heel who can't play face, gets never-ending titleshots, and doesn't draw.
I'm a fan of Bryan Danielson because heis the best wrestler. Keeping in mind that wrestling is not just abouttechnical ability, but mic skills, in-ring psychology, and whatever intangiblequality draws an audience. Danielson went to Japan and became the bestshoot-style wrestler. In Ring of Honor he became the best indie wrestler. Thenhe went to WWE. Not every indie guy can succeed in that environment. AJ Stylesis on Bryan's level but could never work under those restrictions. CM Punk wasa main event guy but he never seemed comfortable with the company’s politicsand PG style. Watching him try to do promos about how much he likes “crazychicks” was just painful.
Danielson, on the other hand, proved tobe the total package. They wanted him to work WWE style, and he narrowed hisvast repertoire of moves to a few hard-hitting crowd-pleasers. They wanted himto do comedy, and he excelled in an odd couple tag team with Kane. They wanted aheel, and he gave them a detestable asshole who berated his nerdy girlfriend.They wanted a face and he gave them the ultimate underdog. They wantedcatchphrases, so he gave them the most popular catchphrase of the modern era.
If Danielson went to Canada, he'dout-grapple everybody. If he put on a mask and went to Mexico, he'd out-flippydoodlethe luchadores. If he wrestled bears like they did in the carny days, he'd growhis beard even more to be the hairiest person in the ring. The man set out to bethe best wrestler in the world and he succeeded.
The fans respected him because he put hisall into entertaining them. I had not seen that kind of organic growth of asuperstar in a long time, nor somebody with that level of crowd connection. AndDanielson's rise gave testament to what the WWE provides that no otherwrestling company can: scale. Danielson's matches in Ring of Honor may bebetter than his current work on a technical level, but cannot contend with the electricity of awhole arena chatting "Yes!" And it’s made better by how unassuming helooks. The guy is a bearded vegan from Washington State. With a few turns inhis life story, he would have ended up a barista at the Red and Black Cafe inPortland, instead of just looking like one. But this guy is the best on Earth.
At this time last year, I was livingthree hours from New Orleans. Not only was Wrestlemania in my backyard, but Ihad a ready crew of smarky fans to go with. I even contributed to a predictionarticle, which is embarrassing to read because of how smarky I was trying tobe:
http://www.bestofneworleans.com/blogo...
Could I have dropped any more obscurereferences? Fuck is wrong with me? The best part is that their picture for thatsmark-fest was Randy Orton putting Cena in a chinlock. Anyway, I bought myWrestlemania ticket when Danielson was in the main event, though they weretrying to push him down the card with regular ambush beatdowns from Orton andvarious Triple H cronies. This "evil authority figure" mess the WWEloves is so bollocks and kills my suspension of disbelief. Daniel Bryan isbeing bullied by his boss at work. The head booker is interfering in hismatches. Why doesn't he report these people to the Athletic Commission? Problemsolved. Ugh. So they got Bryan out of the main event entirely. My hometown ofPittsburgh, PA, proved our awesomeness by shitting all over the Royal Rumble.They put Danielson back in. For the first time in a long time, I was investedin a wrestling storyline. I told my students at UL-Lafayette not to come toclass on Monday. I went to New Orleans.
Walking downtown from the Greyhoundstation, I started to feel the magic. They were people everywhere in their oldAttitude-era shirts. I saw a fat guy with a beard cosplaying Bray Wyatt (whichturned out to be the go-to costume for fat guys with beards that year). Ipassed a lady in a bar who was excited she saw Curtis Axel. It was the samefeeling of going to a large anime convention. Wrestling fans had taken over thecity, and I was among my people. I had plans to attend the indie shows aroundtown.
A good friend of mine in New Orleans wasFrench. Several people in our circle were going to 'Mania, leaving her in theunenviable position of being surrounded by wrestling fans talking esoteric stuff.
HER: I don't know anything aboutwrestling.
ME: You're from France.
HER: Oui.
ME: Andre the Giant?
HER: Who is that?
I was aghast. They don’t teach Andre inschools over there? He’s the most important French person since Jeanne D’Arc.Being with her made the weekend more interesting, serving as a foreigner'sguide to this incredibly American art form. I explained to her the historiesbehind the various wrestlers. She said it sounded like a soap opera, which wasfunny because we weren't even talking about the storylines, but the wrestlers'real lives.
ME: So, you see, Bret wouldn't give upthe title because he didn't want to lose to Shawn in Canada. 'Cause Shawn was adiva who faked injuries so he wouldn't have to lose to Bret. So Shawn put himin the Sharpshooter . . .
HER: What?
ME: It's a submission move. And Vince hadthem ring the bell so Bret had to give up the belt before he left for WCW andhe should have been the top guy in WCW but Hulk Hogan used politics to keep himdown. And Bret might have patched things up with the WWF earlier but then theykinda killed his brother.
HER: Wait? How do you kill somebody inwrestling? I thought it was fake.
ME: No, he really died. They tried tolower him from the ceiling and the harness broke and he died.
HER: . . .
Of the myriad wrestling shows thatweekend, we saw Kaiju Big Battle, which was great, and Shimmer Women'sWresting, which was AMAZING. Anybody whose only seen the mediocre women'sdivision on WWE owes it to themselves to check out Shimmer. Here's a review ofthe weekend and all the shows that were going on.
http://www.bestofneworleans.com/blogo...
Both events took place at Tulane University, in a ring on the edge of the stage. When one of the women wrestlers almost got knocked to the outside apron, people in the audience started shouting at her to be careful, because there was a good chance of falling to the theatre floor. I think both shows had the same announcer, a hard-working guy named Reese or Royce, something like that.
The unsung hero of that weekend wasDiamond Dallas Page. His yoga practice is credited with saving Scott Hall andJake Roberts, both of whom were inducted to the Hall of Fame that year. Afriend of mine went to DDP Yoga and said it was inspiring. It sounded to melike the aggro-yoga that’s popular in the Bay, but with a wrestler shoutingmotivational bon mots at you. Page is living proof that a wrestler can gogracefully into retirement, and build something for himself along the way.
We watched the Hall of Fame inductionsbefore we went to Wrestlemania. Seeing Jake the Snake accept the induction wasa moment no rambling Mister T monologue could diminish. The last time I sawJake was when I was a boy watching Beyondthe Mat with my dad and little sister. He was a wreck, an absentee father,a drug addict. Beyond the Mat was myintroduction to the dark side of pro wrestling; Jake’s tragedy, Terry Funk’saddiction to the spotlight, juxtaposed with the limelight of the WWF. And evenas I thrilled to see Stone Cold or Road Dogg or The Rock in a movie, I cringedas Mick Foley took all those chair shots to the head. Now, here was Jake, oneof the survivors, getting a well-deserved accolade for all he brought to thebusiness.
I went with a crew of fans to the show. In ourgroup was a Sensational Sherrie cosplayer, a Million Dollar Man, Vickie Guerrero,Jeff Hardy, and Jake the Snake. I had been watching a lot of 1980s Jim CrockettPromotions shows and wanted to do a Four Horseman-era Ric Flair costume,complete with feathered wig, but didn’t have the time or money. Maybe forHalloween, since I don’t see myself going to another Wrestlemania any timesoon.
The show itself? Amazing. After all thetwists and turns, the crowd was ready to see Daniel Bryan win the championship.But with it came uncertainty. They tried to bury him in real life. Would thisinsane company and its senile owner stick it to the fans one last time and destroytheir own show just to prove they were in charge? This was edge-of-your-seattheatre and I loved it.
Hulk Hogan came out and thought he was inthe Silverdome. No amount of nostalgia can make me cheer for Hogan. A fewmonths before, he’d finished flushing TNA Wrestling down the toilet like he didWCW. That man is the boil on the ass of professional wrestling. However, I did singalong to “Real American,” which is catchy as hell. Anyway, Hogan said he was inthe Silverdome, twice. Then Stone Cold came out, and The Rock, and it was a funsegment for us “old school” fans. Austin hardly ever does events anymore, soseeing him was a treat. When I heard that Hogan was going to be host forWrestlemania 30, I was afraid they’d have him involved, but they actuallyplayed it smart and kept his bullshit to a minimum.
Bryan beat Triple H in the first match toearn his spot in the title match. Triple H is an egotistical prick but he has agood mind for wrestling, playing up his reputation of burying other wrestlers.He even said that, if he won, he’d put himself in the title match. In otherwords, he did his best to create uncertainty based on his real life antics. Doyou, dear reader, know who Triple H is? All you need to know is he’s adouchebag second-tier guy who has a lot of backstage power and uses it to make himselflook good. The match was really tense. Afterward was the obligatory beatdown to“injure” Bryan’s shoulder and create tension for the final match.
I loved seeing the Shield squash the NewAge Outlaws in the time it took to take a piss. Good booking. If you're goingto have the Outlaws in a match at all, don't even pretend they can hang withthe younger guys. The Andre the Giant Battle Royal was the big surprise of thenight. I’d always respected Antonio Cesaro for his strength and charisma, but didn't expect to see him get such a big win. Watching him body slam the BigShow out the ring LIVE was an unforgettable moment. I asked the person next to me when we were going to see Dolph Ziggler oversell, to which she pointed out that he'd been lying on his back, dramatically clinging to the bottom rope for, like, ten minutes. Gotta love Ziggler. I also liked how they letKofi bring his Royal Rumble “do some acrobatic thing to stay in the ring” spotto Wrestlemania. He earned it.
The Wyatt Family was popular in NewOrleans, as Louisiana is the center of all things swampy/supernatural/bearded. Seeinghis song played live was awesome and the crowd clapped along. This match wasthe one stumble of ‘Mania. Windham Rotunda put a ton of effort into reinventinghimself from his Husky Harris days. He remade the way he talked, how he movedin the ring, and made a truly compelling character in Bray Wyatt. And there waseven great psychology in the match, with Wyatt trying to bring out Cena’s innermonster. Jesus vs. Satan stuff, but Satan should have won. John Cena is morefamous for resting on his laurels than any wrestler who ever lived. So thestalest guy beats the freshest guy. A guy in his late 30s goes over a guy inhis 20s. It sucked.
Undertaker. The first thing I noticed washow, when the camera was going over the “caskets” of people Undertaker hadbeat, they skipped CM Punk’s. Burn. Not much to say about the match that hasn't already been said. The people I came with were PISSED about Undertaker's loss. Ididn't mind, as the streak was never realistic and he should have retired yearsago. If he was going to keep coming back, eventually he’d have to lose. Thereason they were mad was because he lost it to Lesnar. Somebody who has statedrepeatedly he's in it for the money, the quintessential overpaid part-timerwith no respect for the art form. Real life antipathy is legit. I dislike RandyOrton more for him calling Kofi Kingston “stupid” on live TV than for anythinghe does in his boring matches.
Yes, Lesnar’s mystique from breaking thestreak is about to be wasted on Reigns. But I think it was a cool "Yourchildhood is over" moment. Undertaker doesn’t actually have magical powers. And itwas strangely positioned the night after Paul Bearer was inducted posthumouslyinto the HOF, and two days before Ultimate Warrior died. To see Undertaker losein a match where he looked so obviously old, and his younger opponent was goingeasy on him, was a nice closing chapter for the zombie sorcerer of the early 90s "New Generation." And ifeverybody in the Superdome looked speechless on TV, believe me, that’s how itreally went down.
I love AJ Lee but went to the bathroomduring her match. Next was the title match, where Bryan won in a victorystraight out of a Rocky movie. Orton and Batista were in the best form I've seen them, Orton the ruthless heel, Batista the crybaby heel, playingtheir roles perfectly. The moment Triple H went down to ringside, I pretty muchexpected a screwjob ending with the whole Kliq swarming in to ensure Bryanlost. But that is what wrestling should do. It should leave you uncertain, onthe edge of your seat, like a real sport. And when he won and got the confettishower, it demonstrated the best of pro wrestling. Bryan Danielson won in thestory, but he also won in real life, working his way up to the grandest stage. Mycrew was a group of 30 to 40-year-old jaded smarks with far better things to dowith our lives than watch guys pretend to fight. But we were on our feetchanting “Yes!” if you give people something to believe in, they will believe.
I’m glad I spent my money on a good Wrestlemania.‘Mania has been bad these last few years, but ‘Mania 30 was a tightly scripted,no frills wrestling show with a clear, well-told story. The Monday Night Rawafterwards was pretty good too. It was long. I can see why nobody watches Raw, which is three hours of commercials. Really wore me down.
The Raw after Wrestlemania has become famousfor fans hijacking the show and doing chants that distract from the matches andstorylines. What was different this year was the overall vibe. Wrestlemania 28was a bad show with a bad Raw afterwards. The fans were mad about the companyseemingly trying to bury Daniel Bryan so they took over the show. ‘Mania 28 waseven worse, with Cena beating The Rock in a match nobody cared about, and a Rawfilled with boring and pointless matches. The fans came up with random chantsand cheered for Fandango to keep themselves entertained.
‘Mania 30, however, was a good ‘Maniafollowed by a good Raw. The WWE booked aggressively. They used internet fave Zack Ryder and Wade Barrett for the British fans. Gosh, making your audience happy? Whoda thunk it? They had a long Cena match to tire the fans outfrom booing. They kept the Orton/Batista/HHH crew limited to short bursts sothe fans wouldn't hijack. There were markout moments like Paige winning thechampionship off of AJ. And they ended with a Shield face turn and Daniel Bryantriumphant.
I decided that would be the WWE “seriesfinale” for me. Freeze frame it on these images. The Shield standing strong as good guys.Daniel Bryan with the crowd behind him. AJ screaming in the middle of the ring,having finally lost the title to a woman just as good as herself. AntonioCesaro smiling as the crowd hummed his theme song. A happy ending. The WWEcould feel free to drop the ball on these wrestlers (as they did), but I wouldn’tspend my time or money witnessing it.
Which doesn't make it any less sad thatthey de-pushed Bryan upon his return. Right now, he is in the Chris Jerichorole: the guy who the fans love, who can be used to build up the next big guy, andplugged into the main event whenever there’s a hole. It’s a lucrative positionthat will make him a lot of money and security.
But he was meant for greater things.Ironically, even Chris Jericho never deserved the Jericho role. They shouldhave built the company around him at the turn of the century. For politicalreasons, they built it around the boring Triple H. Viewers tuned out by themillions and the WWE never got them back.
It has been years since I’ve seen awrestler connect with the crowd like Daniel Bryan. Not since Austin. Benoit was a small, technically gifted guy like him, but he never had Bryan's charisma and mass appeal. I watchwrestling because of performers like him, people who can create the spectacle. Despitehis being a draw, the WWE decided to leave all that money on the table because he didn'tfit their mold of what a champion looks like. And that's sad. I don't watchwrestling to hear the audience boo supposed faces, or hijack the show withchants about how they are awesome. I watch it to see Austin spray theCorporation with beer. To see The Rock battle Hogan in a clash of titans. TheWWE hasn't had a true mega-face since The Rock. Cena hasn't been a face inyears. He gets booed in his hometown. After years of mediocrity, they finallyhad a superstar who everybody could believe in. Old, young, aficionados, andcasual viewers. Everybody loves him.
Bryan will be fine. He can do the Jerichorole until he retires, with a Bella twin on his arm. If he gets bored, it willbe New Japan or UFC. But as a wrestling fan, I will miss the chance to cheer ona megastar in his battle against evil. Witnessing a wrestler who is so good hetranscends wrestling. No one in the last 15 years has risen to that level. Noone on the horizon will do it. The opportunity was wasted.
After Monday Night Raw in New Orleans, I sat in a ramshackle house in midtown New Orleans, telling my friend about my feelings.
ME: I think I’m finally over wrestling.
HER: I’ve been watching you all weekend. You’re not.
That weekend, there was a sense of thepassage of time. Pro wrestling is a sleazy business. It was designed by carniesto scam people, to make money from the self-destruction of young men. Andwomen, as the Fabulous Moolah’s forced prostitution ring shows. My boyhood heroChris Benoit didn't survive the industry. He was a man who cared little about his well-being, and found promoters who cared even less. The rest ishistory.
But I saw the best of independent wrestlingat Shimmer, women giving their all to entertain in a wrestling ring on astage at Tulane. I saw the best of the new breed, Bryan Danielson,rise to the top of the heap. And Antonio Cesaro, another indie guy, was rightalongside him. These young guys have learned from the mistakes of their 1980s eldersand hopefully keep a clear head through their hardships.
A friend of mine went to Jim Ross’ talkat the House of Blues and had to endure his “entertaining” story about DickMurdoch punching a transsexual in the face because he was insecure abouthis masculinity. I can’t say I’m upset the WWE fired JR. His time is done. But for every anachronisticredneck like him reflecting on the “good old” territory days, there’s an oldguy like Diamond Dallas Page doing something positive. There’s Scott Hall andJake the Snake overcoming their demons. There’s the Undertaker passing thetorch to the next phenom, Brock Lesnar.
A few days after ‘Mania, everybodystarted with insincere memorials for that fascist the Ultimate Warrior. Whenthe guy was alive, he was an unprofessional egomaniac who was impossible towork with. He wished death upon the city of New Orleans because ofhomosexuality, which is ironic, as he was the gayest wrestler of all time. Butthe moment he dies, the rose-tinted glasses come on. The man was a politicianwho made life miserable for those who had to work with him.
I've never been ashamed of watching a “fake”sport, no more than for watching “fake” action star Harrison Ford run from a fakeboulder. What shames me as a wrestling fan is financially supporting thehorrible people who populate the business. I honestly believe that pro wrestling willonly improve when everybody from the territory days is dead. That includesTriple H, heir-apparent to the WWE. Once all the sexual predators, steroidpushers, bullies, racists, egomaniacs, and guys with raging masculinity issuesare gone . . . things won’t be perfect. Nothing is. But maybe the culture ofdeath and exploitation will make way for something better. And if wrestlers likeBryan Danielson are an indication, it will.
Recently, I found a ticket stub in thebathroom at my dad’s house. It said, “Super Soaker Presents: WWF King of theRing 1998. Civic Arena. June 28, 1998.”
I saw Owen Hart wrestle. I saw The Rock.I saw Vader. I saw Taka Michinoku. I saw Ken Shamrock and Jim Cornette. I sawKane beat Stone Cold for the championship and I was PISSED. That was the showwhere Undertaker threw Mick Foley of the cage. I remember watching it from thecheap seats, that moment of terror, excitement, followed by . . .disappointment. I came to see a match and now they were wheeling out Mankind onthe stretcher while Undertaker stood on top of the cage like some malevolentgod. At that age, I couldn't comprehend what Mick Foley just did to entertainme. Then Mankind fought his way off the gurney, and the match continued, andfrom then on it was pure awe.
The Civic Arena is now the Melon Arena.Super Soaker, I hear, is back. The WWF is gone. They no longer produce the Kingof the Ring pay-per-view. I asked my dad if he remembered the show.
“That’s where Mankind went off the cage,”he said. "WWF was the only thing you and your sister could agree on. Gladyou had a good time.”
It’s been years since I've spoken to mysister. But watching Wrestlemania live with friends was much like seeing Kingof the Ring with her. The awe, the spectacle, the storytelling. And hopefullyin this boondoggle of a ‘Mania they’ve set up for 2015, there will be something to put asmile on somebody’s face. The best of wresting does that.
However, I was only getting half thestory. Eventually, I discovered Monday Night Raw, which during the mid-90s wasgoing through a strange transition. You had Bret Hart, a champion who was heelin America and face everywhere else. His main enemies were a trash-talkingTexas redneck and a male stripper. The show felt gritty and adult and scrappy.It seemed like they scripted on the fly, two hours of chaos flying at thescreen. I loved it.
The WWF's programming grew along with me,so I started high school right at the start of the Attitude Era. I had a prettydiverse group of friends, and it seemed the unifying factor was that EVERYBODYloved wrestling. The question was who was your favorite. Mine was Chris Benoit,who I respected for his technique and showmanship. He could get a good matchout of anybody and knew counters to more moves than I could keep track of. I loved thatfloppy arm swinging he would do to get out of the Walls of Jericho. Anyways, Ihad a friend who loved Jericho, another who marked for Too Cool/Rikishi,another who loved American Badass-era Undertaker, and another who adored theHardy Boyz like they were the Backstreet Boys.
In short, I've been a wrestling fan along time, but the love is waning. Occasionally I'll watch Lucha Underground ora Ring of Honor match. The WWE is really bad now. Monday Night Raw hasn't beenmust-see TV in years, but I read the recaps, and their Road to Wrestlemaniathat started with the Royal Rumble has been a legendary bedshitting. So awfulthat it's actually entertaining to read about just to see how far they'll go todisappoint their fans. From Roman Reigns getting booed at the Royal Rumble tohis laughable tug o' war with Brock Lesnar on Monday, the WWE has doneeverything to seemingly kill interest in the show. The only feud they haven'tmessed up is the Cena/Rusev Rocky IV retread,which will end with Cena winning, and Rusev getting shunted down the card untilthey eventually fire him. I can't get excited about somebody losing his job.
Wrestlemania is in the Bay this year andI wouldn't go if somebody gave me a free ticket. So I'll write about lastyear's Wrestlemania.
At the time, the WWE’s attempt to pushDaniel Bryan from the main event was frustrating, maddening. And downrightbizarre. A multi-million dollar company was actively trying to make theaudience not cheer for its most popular performer. What other business punishesa guy for being too good at his job? The fans rebelled, hijacking multipleMonday Night Raws with "Dan-iel Bry-an" chants.
When Batista won the Royal Rumble, I wasconsidering selling my ticket. They had no plans for Bryan and it looked likethe main event was going to be a heel vs. heel trainwreck between Batista andOrton. Then the company followed the fan response, turned Batista heel, and putBryan in the main event via a people power storyline taken straight out of theOccupy Movement.
In short, the WWE was ready to have anawful Wrestlemania, and the fans forced them to have a good one.
Bryan's twisting road to the championshiphad some truly great moments. For instance, they tried to de-push him by makinghim join the Wyatt Family. Making your most popular performer into amidcarder's henchman is, of course, a recipe for disaster. When the fans stillcheered him, he turned on Wyatt, leading to this exhilarating cageconfrontation and the electrifying crowd reaction.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ttiGT...
Goosebumps. Then there was also the go-home show before 'Mania, which didn’t end in a preschool tug o' war, but an epic beatdown on hisarch-nemesis Triple H.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ttiGT...
Bryan Danielson had an organic rise tothe top of the card that was exhilarating to watch. A lot of the time, the WWEinsists on forcing things, and it ends up terrible. For instance, they tried toturn CM Punk heel when the audience wasn't ready. So you have him doingincreasingly dastardly stuff trying to make people hate him, includinginsulting the dead, and he gets cheered like Hogan. All through his heel run,he looked uncomfortable, exhausted, and over it . . . which he was. Punk leftthe company within the year.
Now they're pushing Roman Reigns as thenext big face before he's ready and he's getting boos. Getting force-pushed tothe top of the card exposed all his flaws as a performer. They wanted a newCena, and right it's looking like they'll get a new Orton or Batista. Aself-entitled douchebag heel who can't play face, gets never-ending titleshots, and doesn't draw.
I'm a fan of Bryan Danielson because heis the best wrestler. Keeping in mind that wrestling is not just abouttechnical ability, but mic skills, in-ring psychology, and whatever intangiblequality draws an audience. Danielson went to Japan and became the bestshoot-style wrestler. In Ring of Honor he became the best indie wrestler. Thenhe went to WWE. Not every indie guy can succeed in that environment. AJ Stylesis on Bryan's level but could never work under those restrictions. CM Punk wasa main event guy but he never seemed comfortable with the company’s politicsand PG style. Watching him try to do promos about how much he likes “crazychicks” was just painful.
Danielson, on the other hand, proved tobe the total package. They wanted him to work WWE style, and he narrowed hisvast repertoire of moves to a few hard-hitting crowd-pleasers. They wanted himto do comedy, and he excelled in an odd couple tag team with Kane. They wanted aheel, and he gave them a detestable asshole who berated his nerdy girlfriend.They wanted a face and he gave them the ultimate underdog. They wantedcatchphrases, so he gave them the most popular catchphrase of the modern era.
If Danielson went to Canada, he'dout-grapple everybody. If he put on a mask and went to Mexico, he'd out-flippydoodlethe luchadores. If he wrestled bears like they did in the carny days, he'd growhis beard even more to be the hairiest person in the ring. The man set out to bethe best wrestler in the world and he succeeded.
The fans respected him because he put hisall into entertaining them. I had not seen that kind of organic growth of asuperstar in a long time, nor somebody with that level of crowd connection. AndDanielson's rise gave testament to what the WWE provides that no otherwrestling company can: scale. Danielson's matches in Ring of Honor may bebetter than his current work on a technical level, but cannot contend with the electricity of awhole arena chatting "Yes!" And it’s made better by how unassuming helooks. The guy is a bearded vegan from Washington State. With a few turns inhis life story, he would have ended up a barista at the Red and Black Cafe inPortland, instead of just looking like one. But this guy is the best on Earth.
At this time last year, I was livingthree hours from New Orleans. Not only was Wrestlemania in my backyard, but Ihad a ready crew of smarky fans to go with. I even contributed to a predictionarticle, which is embarrassing to read because of how smarky I was trying tobe:
http://www.bestofneworleans.com/blogo...
Could I have dropped any more obscurereferences? Fuck is wrong with me? The best part is that their picture for thatsmark-fest was Randy Orton putting Cena in a chinlock. Anyway, I bought myWrestlemania ticket when Danielson was in the main event, though they weretrying to push him down the card with regular ambush beatdowns from Orton andvarious Triple H cronies. This "evil authority figure" mess the WWEloves is so bollocks and kills my suspension of disbelief. Daniel Bryan isbeing bullied by his boss at work. The head booker is interfering in hismatches. Why doesn't he report these people to the Athletic Commission? Problemsolved. Ugh. So they got Bryan out of the main event entirely. My hometown ofPittsburgh, PA, proved our awesomeness by shitting all over the Royal Rumble.They put Danielson back in. For the first time in a long time, I was investedin a wrestling storyline. I told my students at UL-Lafayette not to come toclass on Monday. I went to New Orleans.
Walking downtown from the Greyhoundstation, I started to feel the magic. They were people everywhere in their oldAttitude-era shirts. I saw a fat guy with a beard cosplaying Bray Wyatt (whichturned out to be the go-to costume for fat guys with beards that year). Ipassed a lady in a bar who was excited she saw Curtis Axel. It was the samefeeling of going to a large anime convention. Wrestling fans had taken over thecity, and I was among my people. I had plans to attend the indie shows aroundtown.
A good friend of mine in New Orleans wasFrench. Several people in our circle were going to 'Mania, leaving her in theunenviable position of being surrounded by wrestling fans talking esoteric stuff.
HER: I don't know anything aboutwrestling.
ME: You're from France.
HER: Oui.
ME: Andre the Giant?
HER: Who is that?
I was aghast. They don’t teach Andre inschools over there? He’s the most important French person since Jeanne D’Arc.Being with her made the weekend more interesting, serving as a foreigner'sguide to this incredibly American art form. I explained to her the historiesbehind the various wrestlers. She said it sounded like a soap opera, which wasfunny because we weren't even talking about the storylines, but the wrestlers'real lives.
ME: So, you see, Bret wouldn't give upthe title because he didn't want to lose to Shawn in Canada. 'Cause Shawn was adiva who faked injuries so he wouldn't have to lose to Bret. So Shawn put himin the Sharpshooter . . .
HER: What?
ME: It's a submission move. And Vince hadthem ring the bell so Bret had to give up the belt before he left for WCW andhe should have been the top guy in WCW but Hulk Hogan used politics to keep himdown. And Bret might have patched things up with the WWF earlier but then theykinda killed his brother.
HER: Wait? How do you kill somebody inwrestling? I thought it was fake.
ME: No, he really died. They tried tolower him from the ceiling and the harness broke and he died.
HER: . . .
Of the myriad wrestling shows thatweekend, we saw Kaiju Big Battle, which was great, and Shimmer Women'sWresting, which was AMAZING. Anybody whose only seen the mediocre women'sdivision on WWE owes it to themselves to check out Shimmer. Here's a review ofthe weekend and all the shows that were going on.
http://www.bestofneworleans.com/blogo...
Both events took place at Tulane University, in a ring on the edge of the stage. When one of the women wrestlers almost got knocked to the outside apron, people in the audience started shouting at her to be careful, because there was a good chance of falling to the theatre floor. I think both shows had the same announcer, a hard-working guy named Reese or Royce, something like that.
The unsung hero of that weekend wasDiamond Dallas Page. His yoga practice is credited with saving Scott Hall andJake Roberts, both of whom were inducted to the Hall of Fame that year. Afriend of mine went to DDP Yoga and said it was inspiring. It sounded to melike the aggro-yoga that’s popular in the Bay, but with a wrestler shoutingmotivational bon mots at you. Page is living proof that a wrestler can gogracefully into retirement, and build something for himself along the way.
We watched the Hall of Fame inductionsbefore we went to Wrestlemania. Seeing Jake the Snake accept the induction wasa moment no rambling Mister T monologue could diminish. The last time I sawJake was when I was a boy watching Beyondthe Mat with my dad and little sister. He was a wreck, an absentee father,a drug addict. Beyond the Mat was myintroduction to the dark side of pro wrestling; Jake’s tragedy, Terry Funk’saddiction to the spotlight, juxtaposed with the limelight of the WWF. And evenas I thrilled to see Stone Cold or Road Dogg or The Rock in a movie, I cringedas Mick Foley took all those chair shots to the head. Now, here was Jake, oneof the survivors, getting a well-deserved accolade for all he brought to thebusiness.
I went with a crew of fans to the show. In ourgroup was a Sensational Sherrie cosplayer, a Million Dollar Man, Vickie Guerrero,Jeff Hardy, and Jake the Snake. I had been watching a lot of 1980s Jim CrockettPromotions shows and wanted to do a Four Horseman-era Ric Flair costume,complete with feathered wig, but didn’t have the time or money. Maybe forHalloween, since I don’t see myself going to another Wrestlemania any timesoon.
The show itself? Amazing. After all thetwists and turns, the crowd was ready to see Daniel Bryan win the championship.But with it came uncertainty. They tried to bury him in real life. Would thisinsane company and its senile owner stick it to the fans one last time and destroytheir own show just to prove they were in charge? This was edge-of-your-seattheatre and I loved it.
Hulk Hogan came out and thought he was inthe Silverdome. No amount of nostalgia can make me cheer for Hogan. A fewmonths before, he’d finished flushing TNA Wrestling down the toilet like he didWCW. That man is the boil on the ass of professional wrestling. However, I did singalong to “Real American,” which is catchy as hell. Anyway, Hogan said he was inthe Silverdome, twice. Then Stone Cold came out, and The Rock, and it was a funsegment for us “old school” fans. Austin hardly ever does events anymore, soseeing him was a treat. When I heard that Hogan was going to be host forWrestlemania 30, I was afraid they’d have him involved, but they actuallyplayed it smart and kept his bullshit to a minimum.
Bryan beat Triple H in the first match toearn his spot in the title match. Triple H is an egotistical prick but he has agood mind for wrestling, playing up his reputation of burying other wrestlers.He even said that, if he won, he’d put himself in the title match. In otherwords, he did his best to create uncertainty based on his real life antics. Doyou, dear reader, know who Triple H is? All you need to know is he’s adouchebag second-tier guy who has a lot of backstage power and uses it to make himselflook good. The match was really tense. Afterward was the obligatory beatdown to“injure” Bryan’s shoulder and create tension for the final match.
I loved seeing the Shield squash the NewAge Outlaws in the time it took to take a piss. Good booking. If you're goingto have the Outlaws in a match at all, don't even pretend they can hang withthe younger guys. The Andre the Giant Battle Royal was the big surprise of thenight. I’d always respected Antonio Cesaro for his strength and charisma, but didn't expect to see him get such a big win. Watching him body slam the BigShow out the ring LIVE was an unforgettable moment. I asked the person next to me when we were going to see Dolph Ziggler oversell, to which she pointed out that he'd been lying on his back, dramatically clinging to the bottom rope for, like, ten minutes. Gotta love Ziggler. I also liked how they letKofi bring his Royal Rumble “do some acrobatic thing to stay in the ring” spotto Wrestlemania. He earned it.
The Wyatt Family was popular in NewOrleans, as Louisiana is the center of all things swampy/supernatural/bearded. Seeinghis song played live was awesome and the crowd clapped along. This match wasthe one stumble of ‘Mania. Windham Rotunda put a ton of effort into reinventinghimself from his Husky Harris days. He remade the way he talked, how he movedin the ring, and made a truly compelling character in Bray Wyatt. And there waseven great psychology in the match, with Wyatt trying to bring out Cena’s innermonster. Jesus vs. Satan stuff, but Satan should have won. John Cena is morefamous for resting on his laurels than any wrestler who ever lived. So thestalest guy beats the freshest guy. A guy in his late 30s goes over a guy inhis 20s. It sucked.
Undertaker. The first thing I noticed washow, when the camera was going over the “caskets” of people Undertaker hadbeat, they skipped CM Punk’s. Burn. Not much to say about the match that hasn't already been said. The people I came with were PISSED about Undertaker's loss. Ididn't mind, as the streak was never realistic and he should have retired yearsago. If he was going to keep coming back, eventually he’d have to lose. Thereason they were mad was because he lost it to Lesnar. Somebody who has statedrepeatedly he's in it for the money, the quintessential overpaid part-timerwith no respect for the art form. Real life antipathy is legit. I dislike RandyOrton more for him calling Kofi Kingston “stupid” on live TV than for anythinghe does in his boring matches.
Yes, Lesnar’s mystique from breaking thestreak is about to be wasted on Reigns. But I think it was a cool "Yourchildhood is over" moment. Undertaker doesn’t actually have magical powers. And itwas strangely positioned the night after Paul Bearer was inducted posthumouslyinto the HOF, and two days before Ultimate Warrior died. To see Undertaker losein a match where he looked so obviously old, and his younger opponent was goingeasy on him, was a nice closing chapter for the zombie sorcerer of the early 90s "New Generation." And ifeverybody in the Superdome looked speechless on TV, believe me, that’s how itreally went down.
I love AJ Lee but went to the bathroomduring her match. Next was the title match, where Bryan won in a victorystraight out of a Rocky movie. Orton and Batista were in the best form I've seen them, Orton the ruthless heel, Batista the crybaby heel, playingtheir roles perfectly. The moment Triple H went down to ringside, I pretty muchexpected a screwjob ending with the whole Kliq swarming in to ensure Bryanlost. But that is what wrestling should do. It should leave you uncertain, onthe edge of your seat, like a real sport. And when he won and got the confettishower, it demonstrated the best of pro wrestling. Bryan Danielson won in thestory, but he also won in real life, working his way up to the grandest stage. Mycrew was a group of 30 to 40-year-old jaded smarks with far better things to dowith our lives than watch guys pretend to fight. But we were on our feetchanting “Yes!” if you give people something to believe in, they will believe.
I’m glad I spent my money on a good Wrestlemania.‘Mania has been bad these last few years, but ‘Mania 30 was a tightly scripted,no frills wrestling show with a clear, well-told story. The Monday Night Rawafterwards was pretty good too. It was long. I can see why nobody watches Raw, which is three hours of commercials. Really wore me down.
The Raw after Wrestlemania has become famousfor fans hijacking the show and doing chants that distract from the matches andstorylines. What was different this year was the overall vibe. Wrestlemania 28was a bad show with a bad Raw afterwards. The fans were mad about the companyseemingly trying to bury Daniel Bryan so they took over the show. ‘Mania 28 waseven worse, with Cena beating The Rock in a match nobody cared about, and a Rawfilled with boring and pointless matches. The fans came up with random chantsand cheered for Fandango to keep themselves entertained.
‘Mania 30, however, was a good ‘Maniafollowed by a good Raw. The WWE booked aggressively. They used internet fave Zack Ryder and Wade Barrett for the British fans. Gosh, making your audience happy? Whoda thunk it? They had a long Cena match to tire the fans outfrom booing. They kept the Orton/Batista/HHH crew limited to short bursts sothe fans wouldn't hijack. There were markout moments like Paige winning thechampionship off of AJ. And they ended with a Shield face turn and Daniel Bryantriumphant.
I decided that would be the WWE “seriesfinale” for me. Freeze frame it on these images. The Shield standing strong as good guys.Daniel Bryan with the crowd behind him. AJ screaming in the middle of the ring,having finally lost the title to a woman just as good as herself. AntonioCesaro smiling as the crowd hummed his theme song. A happy ending. The WWEcould feel free to drop the ball on these wrestlers (as they did), but I wouldn’tspend my time or money witnessing it.
Which doesn't make it any less sad thatthey de-pushed Bryan upon his return. Right now, he is in the Chris Jerichorole: the guy who the fans love, who can be used to build up the next big guy, andplugged into the main event whenever there’s a hole. It’s a lucrative positionthat will make him a lot of money and security.
But he was meant for greater things.Ironically, even Chris Jericho never deserved the Jericho role. They shouldhave built the company around him at the turn of the century. For politicalreasons, they built it around the boring Triple H. Viewers tuned out by themillions and the WWE never got them back.
It has been years since I’ve seen awrestler connect with the crowd like Daniel Bryan. Not since Austin. Benoit was a small, technically gifted guy like him, but he never had Bryan's charisma and mass appeal. I watchwrestling because of performers like him, people who can create the spectacle. Despitehis being a draw, the WWE decided to leave all that money on the table because he didn'tfit their mold of what a champion looks like. And that's sad. I don't watchwrestling to hear the audience boo supposed faces, or hijack the show withchants about how they are awesome. I watch it to see Austin spray theCorporation with beer. To see The Rock battle Hogan in a clash of titans. TheWWE hasn't had a true mega-face since The Rock. Cena hasn't been a face inyears. He gets booed in his hometown. After years of mediocrity, they finallyhad a superstar who everybody could believe in. Old, young, aficionados, andcasual viewers. Everybody loves him.
Bryan will be fine. He can do the Jerichorole until he retires, with a Bella twin on his arm. If he gets bored, it willbe New Japan or UFC. But as a wrestling fan, I will miss the chance to cheer ona megastar in his battle against evil. Witnessing a wrestler who is so good hetranscends wrestling. No one in the last 15 years has risen to that level. Noone on the horizon will do it. The opportunity was wasted.
After Monday Night Raw in New Orleans, I sat in a ramshackle house in midtown New Orleans, telling my friend about my feelings.
ME: I think I’m finally over wrestling.
HER: I’ve been watching you all weekend. You’re not.
That weekend, there was a sense of thepassage of time. Pro wrestling is a sleazy business. It was designed by carniesto scam people, to make money from the self-destruction of young men. Andwomen, as the Fabulous Moolah’s forced prostitution ring shows. My boyhood heroChris Benoit didn't survive the industry. He was a man who cared little about his well-being, and found promoters who cared even less. The rest ishistory.
But I saw the best of independent wrestlingat Shimmer, women giving their all to entertain in a wrestling ring on astage at Tulane. I saw the best of the new breed, Bryan Danielson,rise to the top of the heap. And Antonio Cesaro, another indie guy, was rightalongside him. These young guys have learned from the mistakes of their 1980s eldersand hopefully keep a clear head through their hardships.
A friend of mine went to Jim Ross’ talkat the House of Blues and had to endure his “entertaining” story about DickMurdoch punching a transsexual in the face because he was insecure abouthis masculinity. I can’t say I’m upset the WWE fired JR. His time is done. But for every anachronisticredneck like him reflecting on the “good old” territory days, there’s an oldguy like Diamond Dallas Page doing something positive. There’s Scott Hall andJake the Snake overcoming their demons. There’s the Undertaker passing thetorch to the next phenom, Brock Lesnar.
A few days after ‘Mania, everybodystarted with insincere memorials for that fascist the Ultimate Warrior. Whenthe guy was alive, he was an unprofessional egomaniac who was impossible towork with. He wished death upon the city of New Orleans because ofhomosexuality, which is ironic, as he was the gayest wrestler of all time. Butthe moment he dies, the rose-tinted glasses come on. The man was a politicianwho made life miserable for those who had to work with him.
I've never been ashamed of watching a “fake”sport, no more than for watching “fake” action star Harrison Ford run from a fakeboulder. What shames me as a wrestling fan is financially supporting thehorrible people who populate the business. I honestly believe that pro wrestling willonly improve when everybody from the territory days is dead. That includesTriple H, heir-apparent to the WWE. Once all the sexual predators, steroidpushers, bullies, racists, egomaniacs, and guys with raging masculinity issuesare gone . . . things won’t be perfect. Nothing is. But maybe the culture ofdeath and exploitation will make way for something better. And if wrestlers likeBryan Danielson are an indication, it will.
Recently, I found a ticket stub in thebathroom at my dad’s house. It said, “Super Soaker Presents: WWF King of theRing 1998. Civic Arena. June 28, 1998.”
I saw Owen Hart wrestle. I saw The Rock.I saw Vader. I saw Taka Michinoku. I saw Ken Shamrock and Jim Cornette. I sawKane beat Stone Cold for the championship and I was PISSED. That was the showwhere Undertaker threw Mick Foley of the cage. I remember watching it from thecheap seats, that moment of terror, excitement, followed by . . .disappointment. I came to see a match and now they were wheeling out Mankind onthe stretcher while Undertaker stood on top of the cage like some malevolentgod. At that age, I couldn't comprehend what Mick Foley just did to entertainme. Then Mankind fought his way off the gurney, and the match continued, andfrom then on it was pure awe.
The Civic Arena is now the Melon Arena.Super Soaker, I hear, is back. The WWF is gone. They no longer produce the Kingof the Ring pay-per-view. I asked my dad if he remembered the show.
“That’s where Mankind went off the cage,”he said. "WWF was the only thing you and your sister could agree on. Gladyou had a good time.”
It’s been years since I've spoken to mysister. But watching Wrestlemania live with friends was much like seeing Kingof the Ring with her. The awe, the spectacle, the storytelling. And hopefullyin this boondoggle of a ‘Mania they’ve set up for 2015, there will be something to put asmile on somebody’s face. The best of wresting does that.
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