Writing goals and aspirations: do I want to be an author anymore?

I’ve been thinking about my journey as a writer lately and I’ve shared some of that already, but I want to go a bit deeper. Next year, I am not setting the goal of pursuing a good story for publishing. I don’t want to think about publishing anymore. I think I need to forget that I want to be an author. Stop aspiring for it.

Why?

This aspiration is a noose around my neck. It stops me from writing for the sake of it. Makes my creativity feel strained. Simply put, it’s too much pressure.

I could make choices in my life on the basis that I’m going to be an author one day or I can live for now and what I already have within my control. Being an author is not an aspiration that’s as simple as “just do it!” or persevere and I’ll “make it”. Yes, there’s some truth to that, but it’s not that simple at all.

I may never write something I want to share because it’s not quite right. I might want to share something but it never finds an audience or the gatekeepers of publishing never help it reach the shelves. Creativity isn’t something bottled, brewed or bought in a shop. I could study and never get better or “good enough”. I could self-publish and never make enough. There’s so many variables.

And so, maybe, because it’s something I can’t control, I have to stop aiming to be an author or sell a book or get an agent. Instead, have the goal of writing passionately and freely, and because I want to. I used to love writing and lately it’s been tough. Forced. A chore.

The question is: do I want to still love writing stories or do I want to stress myself out by trying to monetise them?

It’s a simple answer for me…

So what now?

I need to find a living that fulfils me outside of being an author so that I’m free to write because I want to and not a pressure of “having to” and escape my current life. I need to have this as a lifelong love and not something forced and strained and stressful. If I never make money from my writing, but I’m happily writing often, I will be happy… as long as I can make money doesn’t something else that I enjoy, not feeling unfulfilled at work.

It’s difficult. It is.

I don’t want to “give up” on my dream. I’ve known I’ve wanted to be an author since I learned what one was! And maybe I can be. I mean I technically am. I just won’t make a living from it, maybe, yet. And I need to be okay with that because not being a selling author and putting my life on hold for it and judging myself for not reaching it is just stress. It’s too much. It does me no good. And strangely, by not pursuing publishing, I may actually achieve it quicker because the freedom and less pressure allows for more creativity and focus and joy.

For me, perhaps, it’s time to stop thinking about my stories as a career. When I’m published or at least have an agent, that’s when the career mindset comes in but not before. Now, it’s a love, a joy, a passion, a way to find meaning and clarity. I need to stop calling it a career but it’s not a hobby either. As a hobby makes it sound like some passing unimportant thing almost (even though you can have a hobby you love). So my writing is something important, something worth my time, energy and attention, but it’s not a career or a goal and it’s not a hobby.

Some my disagree, but maybe I need to see it like having a child. Being a parent isn’t about goals and careers, and it’s not some passing hobby or activity, either. It’s a deeper, profound calling. Something you have to do from a place of instinct and it’s hard at times but you love it deeply. You show up for the child everyday out of love and meaning and joy, not career points, promotions, accolades, fame or money.

My stories are my little creative babies! It’s bringing something into the world from inside of you that didn’t exist before. And then once it’s out there, it takes a form of its own.

I’m getting metaphorical and maybe I’ve lost you, but this is what I may need. To redefine what success looks like for me. Redefine the role that writing and storytelling has in my life. Redefine what my life is going to look like in the next 5 years.

In a nutshell, I don’t want to waste any more time thinking and worrying about all the things I can’t do, have no control over, haven’t the tools to do, or don’t have in comparison to others. I’ve shifted my mindset about travel this year and I feel happier because of it. It’s time to do the same with my writing and how I make a living.

In answer to the original question, do I want to be an author anymore? Yes, I do. I would love to have an audience of people who love my work. I’d love to write stories for a living and enjoy the process and connect with other storytellers. But I also know I have little control over that part. I can write the stories, I can share them, I can make them better, I can try to get an agent or I can self-publish but I have no control over how much money flows my way. And I don’t have the privilege to not care about money at all. So I need to make a living happily elsewhere, for now, so the pressure to make money from writing isn’t as heavy. I can write freely and with joy and only try to sell stories that I genuinely feel need to be shared in that way, not writing them with the goal of monetisation. It’s a subtle change but it makes a big difference.

We’ll see. I change my mind a lot so I may disagree with this post in a few months. But this is where I’m at right now. If you’re on a similar journey, you’re not alone in the fear and worry and stress of the process. Maybe we can shift our mindset and reconnect with our inner creator.

Sincerely,

S. xx