Auntie Corner: Tired Husbands
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Lots of emails recently, in this vein:
“My husband is tired when he gets home; he works hard and just doesn’t have the energy to help me with discipline or other issues.”
It’s always so interesting to me how in our time, we are so convinced that we can remake human nature. We have great plans about how men and women will be equal and share responsibilities equally, exhibiting maximum energy and enthusiasm for all tasks (though women are okay with having zero vibes for certain things — apparently feminism does not extend to yucky tasks like taking out the garbage, no apologies offered).
Invariably, however, in the second decade of life together and often sooner, just because couples are getting married at a more advanced age, and people in their 30s get cranky, the seams start showing, straining, ripping, when we try to live in conflict with each other and our natures.
Instead of continually trying to work against each other or simply giving up (yet being frustrated about it), I suggest a different approach.
Let the patterns of life that you establish together help you overcome the all too human tendency to tiredness, to avoidance of responsibility, to nagging and exasperation.
The sooner you institute mutually satisfying domestic habits, the better off you will be when the going gets tough; however, you can always begin again!
In this particular situation, a good talk between husband and wife about family needs might be helpful — I call this “a free and frank discussion with no judging” to try to avoid defensiveness and anger. “I would love it if… ” and say what you need to say.
Then how about this — and maybe even be open with each other about the new approach:
Make the transition from work to family, the mental turnover that has to happen, a ritual. Father can take a few minutes to re-enter: if he’s actually coming home from work, he can perhaps change his clothing and wash up. If he’s been home, he can shut the door to the work area as he exits.
Even work from home, which the Chief has done for decades, ought to have an ending time. Sure, there will be days when there are longer hours, but having the set time for ending helps to define those as longer hours and not just work expanding to fit the time allotted. (My husband found it helpful to go back to work after a break for supper and focusing on kids, however briefly, rather than work through til “whenever”; obviously circumstances are different, I get that.)
In both cases, putting away electronics, at least for a bit, is essential. I remember Alice von Hildebrand in By Love Refined (affiliate link) suggesting that he mentally or even physically place imaginary books under the bushes by the door before going in to greet his bride. How much more important to put the phone down.
The wife can facilitate this transition by preparing herself for his arrival. Give him a chance. Help the children greet him (even if he was home all day: make them look up and say, “Hi, Daddy!” and even get up and give him a hug. She should certainly kiss him upon his arrival! Yes, even when he’s just been in the basement or out in the field… )
I don’t necessarily say she should put on a swingy frock and hand him a cocktail in fantasy 50s style, though it’s not the worst idea I’ve ever heard, but just as he might pretend to put his work under a bush, she could channel perky energy… a smile does not go amiss, with real interest about his day.
Family dinner, discussions, time for Dad to address kid problems or toss a ball with them, simple prayer together (the Rosary or part of it, for instance, with a lit candle), early bedtimes for littles, and most of all, the promise of real relaxation in the quieter evening — these are our daily goals, even if we don’t always hit all of them. Make these the established pattern and you will find that even tired spouses can fulfill their responsibilities, because they know what’s coming.
On the weekends, schedule in a nap for him — at least accept its inevitability. As men get older (like, mid-30s!), they find they simply can’t relax during the work week. Yes, he absolutely will tackle chores and big projects on the weekend — such is the reality of life with a busy family! But he will be tired in a way that a busy mother will not, as she has had time during the week to sit with the children for an hour to read a book and even take a nap when she needs it.
Don’t make your urgency about something override the need for a rhythm and a plan for the weekend. If something desperately needs to happen — if you are in the midst of a big home project or there’s a tournament or what have you — be sure to discuss it, schedule it in, and let Dad figure it out at his own pace.
Sundays are for a real rest after worship: maybe some games with the children and letting nature take its course in the matter of “watching a football game” (my husband’s code for zonking out on the sofa). It will be okay… everything will get done eventually!
The bitterness some women have about their husbands’ tiredness on Sundays is unfortunate. He really does shoulder a burden for the whole family’s very survival. And most husbands are keenly aware of their wives’ exhaustion, trying to pitch in with dishes, diaper changes, and general wrangling during the week after a hard day’s work.
I’m just going to say it — the thing I myself discovered after many years of being wound up about it: I think women would be happier if they took their needed rest during the week and let their husbands really enjoy their Sundays, even unto a snooze in the afternoon. Obviously, if she also has a demanding work week and the family depends on her income, a serious stress is put on the whole family; Sundays will suffer, everyone will suffer. This is why I strongly urge couples not to rely on two incomes. It’s not worth disrupting your family’s contentment over.
In any case, my point is that we need rhythms so we can live together and not live by lurching from one self-generated state to another. In the end, we can’t flourish that way. Husbands really do take overall responsibility for the welfare of the family as a whole; wives need to make it possible for them to help in the little things by stating their own needs and indicating problems to solve together in a friendly way, arranging things to make home life fall into a peaceful pattern.
Kitchen Reno Corner
The kitchen painting is done! This coming week there will be a bit of a hiatus while the floor is acclimating, in which I will pull apart the pantry (which has become a catch-all and is a wreck) and fix it up. What color should I paint it? I have seen lots of beautiful, moody pantries, but my inclination is for it to be a very light color (I think white!) due to actual food being in there and the need for it to feel clean. What do you think?
Here’s how it looked before — I did a big re-organization last year, if you want to have a look:
Knitting Corner
After a long search, I found a vintage dress form on Facebook Marketplace (those things are expensive, new and old! I got a good deal!). I inaugurated it with a fitting of my sweater, which I’ve picked up after a summer of knitting baby things:
It’s impossible for me to try things on myself to fit them (especially knitting!), so I am really excited about her — Mrs. Brooksanne!
bits & piecesHearth & Field interviewed me for the current issue — see what you think! It’s a lovely publication; I think you will enjoy receiving it.
I would really caution about anti-depressants. When even a mainstream source is concerned about the effects, it validates my perennial mistrust. I don’t even call the things they list “side-effects” — they are serious and life-long consequences — undermining the very peace and happiness sought, presumably, by taking them — that can hardly be worth the supposed benefits.
The importance of wisdom in family life: John Cuddeback on Philosopher Parents, Not Kings
Please spare 10 minutes to listen to an actual expert on industrial safety and hygiene explain the issue of masks.
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from the archivesTo be happy at home
I’m not cooking right now () but here’s a family favorite: Ham and Cheese and Spinach Pie — young children devour it!
liturgical living
Our Lady of the Rosary A good day for a recitation of G. K. Chesterton’s epic Lepanto!
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