Healing Is Not Linear
Yesterday I started therapy and I am trying to remain hopeful.
I have experienced counselling when I was in an abusive relationship around 11/12 years ago, I went again around 5/6 years ago with a completely different service. I found that it did help but my first experience it was clear it was to do with the relationship which meant my situation needed to change. My second experience I had was limited to 12 sessions, we were able to do a few more than this but even she realised that my trauma was too complex for just listening.
My hope is that this long term therapy will enable me to make my own decisions free of other peoples opinions or past trauma memories interrupting the decision making process. I want to be able to manage my triggers in a healthier way.
I’m sharing this because I haven’t exactly been present for the last year and I have been comforted by quite a few concerned people that have followed me on social media. But I didn’t accept their help and I didn’t want to share with the world that I need to take time for myself because I would see it as a failure.
Yes I am an advocate for women who are or have been abused, yes I raise awareness, yes I signpost, yes I will get involved in campaigns where I can but I am still a survivor myself. I am someone with lived experiences, I am someone who doesn’t shy away from that or my healing journey.
In the last year I have also had someone respond negatively on social media because they felt that my message wasn’t clear within our communication compared to what was said online years later. I have held onto these comments despite knowing that this is all circumstantial. Whenever I speak with someone I signpost in a voluntary manor and always say I am not a professional, I am someone with lived experiences.
It reminded me of what was once said to me that took some of the weight from my shoulders as a recovering people pleaser, “you only know what you know at that time”. When I first published my debut novel Isolation Junction I was in a very different place to where I am now, I’ve taken the time to learn, to heal, to listen and to be kinder to myself.
If I went back in time to rewrite my story knowing what I know now, of course it would be completely different. If I went back and went through everything again with the brain I had at that time, I would have still made those choices knowing what I knew at that time.
Equipping myself is the only way that I will move forward, a decade has passed since I fled and yet I am here feeling like I am back on day one. That feeling goes quickly when I think back to what day one was like and the strength it has taken to get her, I am on day one but I’m not in the same chapter nor the same book.
Healing is different for everyoneHealing doesn’t follow tasks you have to do to achieve completionHealing for those with trauma is a continuous effort for years and years to comeHealing is not linearBe patient with yourself as I have tried to be for me.
As a part of this next step in my journey, I have started writing again and I hope to be more present but for now I make no promises. I know what I share will be right for the time I am posting it and I hope it helps you.
October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month and usually I do something to mark the month, this year my energy has to mostly be for me but this does not mean that I am not thinking about it’s importance.
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