FALL EQUINOX

“So how am I? Where am I? Dear, love…I feel a kind of quiet, layered between nerves and guilt and curiosity…and hope…”

from journal, September 5, 2022

So how am I? Where am I? Dear, love…Today, I feel a similar quiet, peaceful in my deeps, hopeful in my heart beats. Autumn is showing her strength with cool evenings and crisp mornings. Change is happening. Isn’t it always? 

Summer…it went by so quickly, didn’t it? Doesn’t it always…and I am always so surprised! You too? And I always promise myself that I will NOT crave the fall any sooner than she arrives…and yet, as soon as there’s one cool night or morning, I hunt for my candles and poke around for my sweaters. And, in my mind, I compile a list of my favourite fall films and I enjoy wondering which one I’ll watch first. It was ‘Mona Lisa Smile’… after everyone was nestled in bed and I had the sofa to myself (well, the dogs will be with me!). 

I think the best way to recap the summer is to go by the month. I know I said I’d write each seasonal marking, and then I promptly skipped Summer Solstice! I was…in it. Living it. And I really dipped and skipped around social media much of the time. I wasn’t feeling it…and let myself go with my sharing flow this summer…turns out, privacy was more the mode than not.

MAY

The second week of May began a disciplined writing schedule that I created in order to write as much as I could before the Pelee Island Residency I was invited to beginning July 3rd. I committed to writing at least 500 words a day, every Monday to Friday (writing on the weekend was optional, and I often wrote on Sundays as well). I fulfilled this commitment to write an average of about 1000 words per day. I think I only took two days off, but then wrote extra on the weekends to catch up.

I turned 45 and had a good, hard, peri-menopausal cry at the audacity of my life to be this deep in.

Jett turned 17 and I had a good, hard, how-is-this-possible mom cry at the audacity of his age to be 17!

JUNE

June is always a flurry. Between visits, doc appointments, end-of-the-year school events including exams, it really does zoom by. And it’s a good zoom because after June comes July and August – the summer months! I continued writing and meeting my daily goals which helped me actually stay more on top of everything in my life, if that makes sense. Working around the ‘work’ of writing can be a very positive experience.

I went to Toronto for a doctor’s appointment (a five-hour ordeal) that was very intense, but in the end, resulted in being able to stop taking prednisone. What a giant relief! I took two sewing classes and learned some new skills as well as refreshed others. I spent many hours making a load of pillows which are now for sale at Bunch, a lovely gift shop in Ford City.

FUNKY PILLOWGARDEN BOUNTYJULY & AUGUST

Nick and I had our twentieth wedding anniversary in early July. I wanted us to do something spectacular to celebrate, so after a load of research online, we decided to take a trip overseas to London and Liverpool in England – the whole fam-damily! Super thanks to Chantak Kosnik at Travel Excellence for helping us create our dream vacation! In between driving the kids to work, to social events and visits with friends and family, we made a detailed itinerary, and got all the necessary travel musts done before we flew out of Toronto late July.

It had been a long time since we’d had a family trip, and going overseas as a family was a first! Thankfully, all of our travel experiences were safe and smooth! That included in the air and on the ground. We took trains, tubes and walked a million miles a day! The food was great, especially the desserts. The architecture and history and big-city-ness of London and Liverpool was incredible! Bloomsbury Square, a well-known writer’s haunt, was a sad state…and I didn’t get a chance to see any of Virginia Woolf’s homes/writing places…so I definitely have to go back and take an official literary tour! (Anyone else wanna join me?!) It was a lovely and loving time! 

FANCY LAMPPARLIAMENT BUILDINGSSHOES ON THE STREETSHOES ON THE TUBECOOL HOTEL

Life picked up with a wild speed upon our return. Where did August go?! I did my best to write and work on my project, but it was hard. I was distracted by sun and shine! And each week brought little day trips to cool places in and around town. I went to Lungo Vita with Mariette. It was my first time there, and I’ll for sure go back! We had a beautiful day reading by the pool, sweating in the sauna, and picnic-ing on the lush grass. 

WILD TREE IN WARKWORTH,ONBEACH WRITELADY BUG JOYLUNGO VITA

I was invited to join a horror book club, which I happily accepted, so I’ve been reading a genre I haven’t read in years…and really only Stephen King! I’m enjoying getting educated on the genre and also, getting scared when I read. Okay, it’s not always enjoyable…but it’s definitely exciting! We are currently reading Frankenstein, which I’ll admit I haven’t read yet. So far it’s pretty damn great. 

I’ve been managing to keep connected with writers a couple times a week. We meet at various locations and catch up, talk shop, then get to writing. It’s very special and inspiring, and it keeps us all writing/staying on top of our projects. 

Summer days often felt…limitless. With all the incredible festivals in Windsor and Essex county, the great lake beaches, long walks, meals with friends and, of course, family movie nights, summer really felt like summer! It’s good when that happens because some summers don’t feel like summers at all…I am very grateful that we get to experience actual seasons here. I think it helps with my ability to savour time…and to remind myself that change is necessary and constant…and beautiful in all its different iterations! 

SEPTEMBER

I can’t really believe that it’s been a year, nearly to the day, when I woke up and my eye was broken, and I resigned as poet laureate. So much has happened. So much has changed. So much has closed. So much has opened. Endings and beginnings, and all that lives in between, continue to affect me deeply, continue to show me how to learn, trust and love. 

The kids are back in school. Jett is in grade twelve with possibilities for university fluttering just in front of him like monarchs in flight…It is an important time for me as a parent. Not enough of us talk about this time in our lives…when our kids are close to living outside of us, our home, our everydays…It is heartbreaking. I’m meditating and praying and writing on this a lot to help me keep hopeful and…breathing! 

HEALTH

I’m off prednisone! Yay! I am happy to announce that I am officially off the steroids and I’m feeling much, much better in body and mind because of it. I went to Toronto to see a specialist for my ocular myasthenia gravis, and the first thing he said was that I no longer need to be on steroids. What a relief that was to hear! My eye has been feeling great, with no issues to my vision. Sometimes my eyelid feels a little heavy, but it goes away, and it’s nothing that’s making me worry. Though I am off the steroids, I am on an immunotherapy drug to keep my immune system in check. The side effects are minimal, and nothing like the damaging side effects of the steroids. 

My brain feels much calmer. My appetite has gone from ferocious to gentle. I don’t feel anxiety clawing at me in rages, and my face has lost its moon shape. I am so grateful to be on the other side of this scary experience, and I have full confidence in my body that my immune system will get back to its healthy state sooner than later. 

My perimenopausal symptoms are more prevalent, but I think it’s because the steroids masked them. I am very aware of what they are so when I get a hot flash or feel wildly emotional for no apparent reason, I am quick to do a little ‘symptom check’ and relieve myself of the fear I’ve lost my mind. 

I’m eating well and exercising. This is making a huge difference. I can feel my body changing, strengthening and excavating into the treasure I know it is. It’s like, there’s a ‘me’ in this body that looks and feels a certain way, and I haven’t felt this ‘me’ in over a year. I couldn’t feel it whilst on the steroids. It’s like my connection to my healthy self was numb. But, the numbness is loosening, and I can ‘me’ getting stronger on a cellular level. 

WRITING

Summer has been an incredible season for my writing. From July 3rd to the 9th, I was on Pelee Island for an artist residency through the Stone & Sky Music & Art Series. I moved between a beautiful bed and breakfast and the delightful cabins in the Stone & Sky residency forest/campground to write, write, write and read. 

I had committed to writing at least 500 words a day (Monday-Friday) beginning May 1st, knowing that I would be on the island for a full week to work on whatever manuscript was created by July 3rd. (Thank you to Christian for his accountability support in this endeavour!) I kept to my commitment of word count, and actually averaged about 1,000 words a day of writing. Before I left for Pelee, I had about 40,000 words written. I printed out all the pages with the intention of reading each one, doing a minor edit, and figuring out how to organize it. Other intentions included: creating a working title, figuring out the genre, and deciding whether or not I wanted to continue working on the project at all. 

This was a big deal for me because it would mean being away from my husband and kids and dogs for seven days. I was nervous to leave…anxious and sad, but I knew that it was a necessary endeavour for my writing project. The week took its time passing. Each day I awoke around 8am to get downstairs for a delicious breakfast, and by 9am I was writing. I wrote in the bed and breakfast I was staying at for a good three hours each day. It was very, very hot that week so venturing out to write anywhere else was challenging. But, I did make sure to head to the Stone & Sky artist residency cottages and campground to write as well. It was intense walking through the gorgeous forest, dodging bugs and spiders as I lugged my gear to the cottage. It made me feel earth-connected, rooted and inspired by the sounds and sights around me. Writing outside, writing in a forest, writing in a cottage in a forest is truly a dynamic and somewhat metaphysical experience. It’s no wonder that those writers before us, known for their poetry and prose about nature, were so damn great at it. I’m thinking of Thoreau and Walden Pond. I’m thinking of all the walking the folks in the Bronte books do. I’m thinking of Emily Dickinson’s poetry on flowers and trees. There is much for us to glean from our friend Mother Nature and what she has to show us. Also, it is good for sweating, for release. I’m pretty sure I lost a few pounds from the amount of sweating I did in the cottage! 

The isolation was both invigorating and exhausting. I felt myself feeling a kind of freedom with time, as each day stretched out before me like a great lake, with only concerns for my writing, my body, my mind to consider. Guilt did a good job of attempting to climb into my thoughts and heart, but I did my best to speak nicely to her and remind her that it’s okay to once in a while just take care of my own creative spirit and writing. 

One day, I think it was the Thursday, I wrote 12,000. In.One.Day. That was a record for me. My fingers and wrists were buzzing and cramping by the end of it, but it was a magnificent experience. That was the day I wrote out The Thing That Happened. The details of my poet laureate experience, my wild auto-immune disorder experience, the choice to close the writing room, and to take a year sabbatical. Clearly, my mind and body needed to release the story, and do it all in one huge liberating release. 

I think the act of writing out our narratives, how they relate to one another, how we craft them as they are filtered by our values, beliefs and understandings of the situation is a key element in healing trauma, in making choices moving forward, in solidifying our truths so we can continue our creative work in a peaceful, soulful, intuitive and dignified way. Even if no one sees it but the one who wrote it – you, your soul. In this case, the writing was for me as a commitment to my own personal narrative and who I was and am now having gone through the experiences. 

On the Sunday, I did a short presentation about my creative process, in the quarry as part of the Stone and Sky artist series. It was a beautiful day! And the crowd was big and supportive. I felt safe and comfortable, of course a little nervous (I always get nervous!), and motivated to share what I’d accomplished and learned during the week. And, after I shared, the Windsor Classic Chorale sang such beautiful songs, I was moved to tears and had to scoot into the arms of a dear friend and sob for all the emotions that were coming out of me. It was a profound experience I am extremely grateful for! 

INSIDE THE CABINWRITING TOOLSSTONE & SKY CAMPGROUNDMORE TOOLSSAGE FOR BALANCEBOOTS FOR MUD (THANK YOU PATRICIA!)INSIDE THE CABIN THE MAGNIFICENT QUARRYON THE LAWN AT THE B&BTHE MEGA BOARD IN THE CABINFELINE INSPIRATIONS

Here’s a link to a video shot and edited by Collette Broeders, tech guru in the Stone & Sky family. (It’s a facebook link…I don’t how to share it otherwise!)

https://www.facebook.com/pelee.quarry/videos/244225718380753

Once back on the mainland, it took a few days to settle back into time off the island, to remember that waving at every driver who passed me wasn’t a thing here in Windsor (!), and that my writing would take a bit of a back seat as the rest of the summer was swinging at full height. 

I read all these books!

SEPTEMBER

I can’t really believe that it’s been a year, nearly to the day, when I woke up and my eye was broken, and I resigned as poet laureate. So much has happened. So much has changed. So much has closed. So much has opened. Endings and beginnings, and all that spaces in between, continue to affect me deeply, continue to show me how to learn, trust and love. 

The kids are back in school. Jett is in grade twelve with possibilities for university fluttering just in front of him like monarchs in flight…It is an important time for me as a parent. Not enough of us talk about this time in our lives…when our kids are close to living outside of us, our home, our everydays…It is heartbreaking. I’m meditating and praying and writing on this a lot to help me keep hopeful and…breathing! It is an extraordinary miracle witnessing my kids grow inside and out. Utterly extraordinary.

My hair is growing! I want it to be so long it covers my boobs. It’s got quite a ways to go, but I’m keeping patience. And, I dyed it dark again…The grey wasn’t working for me…but I kept a bit of it…

ME!

Some exciting things are unfolding this fall…and I’m dreaming new dreams for the winter.

WRITERS’ ASSEMBLY & BOOK LOVERS’ LUNCHEON & NaNoWriMo

I’ve joined forces with the fabulous Michelle Weglarz, owner of Balanced Life Wellness Centre in Essex, and I’ll be leading a writer’s group once a month beginning in October on Sundays from 1pm – 4pm. For all the exciting details, CLICK HERE! For now, there’s no need to register, just show up if you can. We’ll see how many of us show up and figure out if we need to make a registration process. Of course, if you have any questions or want to let me know you’ll be coming so I can look forward to seeing you, by all means send me an email!

I have to honour of being a part of the May Court Club’s Book Lovers’ Luncheon on Sunday, October 29 with Kim Conklin and Heidi LM Jacobs. It’s gonna be a fun literary event! Come get lit with us!

I’m definitely participating in National Novel Writing Month this November. You too? If so, would care to join me here…

And…I might be going to school! EEEP! I can’t make the official announcement quite yet…but soon! And…I’ve got a hankerin’ to organize a writing retreat…ideas and connections are a brewin’! My witchy soul is a cacklin’!!!

It’s been a while since I’ve written friends. Thanks for your patience. I’ll write again…when I write again. I hope to see you at a writing gathering, event, BookFest Windsor or where ever the stars may align us! Be kind. Spread love. Read books. Write ’em too if that’s your passion.