What I’ve learned refereeing youth soccer
My daughters love playing soccer—and I love watching them. The fall colors in Pennsylvania. The sidelines full of cheering supporters. The Friday night under-the-lights matches. It is one of the absolute joys of my life in this season.
A few months ago, I heard from a friend that they were running short on referees, and unless more stepped up, they’d have to cancel games. Nationwide, an estimated 50,000 high school referees—roughly 20 percent—quit from 2018 to 2021. The nationwide shortage of officials had come to Pennsylvania and spilled over into the younger leagues as well.
As a former college soccer player, I felt reasonably qualified for the job. It seemed a good way to stay active in the game I love, serve fellow soccer families, and even get some exercise. Win-win-win!
But it didn’t take long to realize why refs are in short supply.
Refereeing is not for the faint of heart—and I have fully repented of my past actions, words, and grumbles directed at refs. My first game (an under-11 match-up), every call I made seemed to have 50% of the audience erupting in vehement disapproval. They openly questioned my ocular function and expressed concern for my intellect. Parents’ language was colorful enough to rival the fall foliage.
I love soccer, but our children are playing a game. In the grand scheme of life, the score seems relatively inconsequential compared to what our kids are learning about how to engage with others. How to respond when someone makes a call or decision that they don’t agree with.
I doubt we parents have consciously considered what we might be teaching in the way we interact from the sideline, but from the middle of the field, I can now see clearly that our children are soaking in lessons not only in dribbling and shooting but also in dealing with differences of opinion. In a few years, they likely won’t remember the score of the game or what disputed call I made, but I fear they will remember these “lessons” in conflict resolution.
A on civility found that 93 percent of Americans identified incivility as a problem. Sixty-eight percent would consider it a “major” problem, and 74% think it’s getting worse. Incivility is indeed a significant problem in our world today, but might this be one of those instances in which the solution to a big problem feels rather small and simple?
After one contentious game, a player was walking off the field and simply said, “Thanks, ref.” I doubt she (or her parents) agreed with all my calls, but she thanked me anyway. It wasn’t a grand gesture, but I’m convinced civility starts small: even with a thank-you from an 11-year-old.
If our kids grow up to be great athletes, that’s exciting. But if they grow up to be great human beings, that’s infinitely more consequential. And when we disagree, let’s all be a little kinder—to refs and to each other.
