Why We Speak

I’m staying with my mother for the next month while my sister and her husband take a much-deserved vacation. I have plans to reach out to friends later, but spent this first week settling in and getting to know the household’s routines.

The conversations we’ve had have been enlightening — and quite different from our old ones. I was raised with the old-school, “If you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all” teaching. It sounds innocuous, and I think it was supposed to be. I mean, it’s advice given by a bunny in a Disney movie for crying out loud. But, even so, it was misapplied. It was supposed to refer to not bullying people based on their appearance or abilities. It was never meant to teach people to remain quiet about abusive situations.

But that’s what happened.

I don’t blame Thumper for his part in the mess. The philosophy of “keep it quiet so things don’t get unpleasant” long predates his contribution. We’ve found comfort in keeping the peace, which bled into every aspect of our lives to devastating results.

People learned to keep quiet about:

sexual harassment in the workplacepredatory adults in our families, schools, and churcheschurch leaders who committed crimes or covered the crimes committed by others

We were supposed to absorb what we knew, hold it deep within our tissues, and smile as if nothing was wrong. Pointing out problems got a person labeled negative and bitter.  The term “victim mentality” was used to denigrate those who looked for justice for themselves and protection for others.

The standard practice of “see no evil, hear no evil, speak no evil” ensured that evil men and women could continue their paths of destruction unchecked. Vulnerable people were used, destroyed, and discarded.

Fortunately, more people are speaking out. We use strong and accurate language like rape, assault, and trauma. We are becoming quick to correct old assumptions. We protest when a child or teen is blamed for the crimes committed against them by adults. We refuse the argument that rape victims are somehow responsible for the crimes committed against them. We are vocal online and in print. I am one of many authors who uses her talents to write books exposing spiritual and church abuse. There are hundreds of blogs, podcasts, and documentaries designed to support victims while demanding that their perpetrators be reported, arrested, tried, and imprisoned. We are making this hidden subject mainstream.

Even around the family table, we listen to the stories of the “good old days” with growing horror as we start to read between the lines, like the one about a teen girl from the neighborhood who, like her mother before her, was so “out of control” and had so many pregnancies that the local government had her sterilized. Somehow this was justified as a moral act. But as details emerge, the listener realizes it had nothing to do with the (male) leaders guarding the morality of their town. They were likely involved in the human trafficking of this girl and her mother and were afraid their participation would be exposed.

Or there’s the story about a teen who was given no sexual education and thought that kissing her boyfriend meant she was “impure.” She was so ashamed of her reckless behavior that she eloped, thinking no one else would ever want her. According to her parents, she was always rebellious, even though they did not “spare the rod” as they gave her unjust and unmerited “whippings.” No one could understand why she left home as soon as she met her future husband. The one time she did try to make amends and return home, she was told she wasn’t welcome back and that “You made your bed, now lie in it.” There was no support for this vulnerable, very young woman.

Or the multiple red flags proudly flown by the “good Christian boy” who tried to seduce a different girl every week. Did his spiritual leaders ever pull him aside to address his predatory tendencies? Kind of. They told him that while the girls at church were to be treated with respect and an eye toward marriage, that didn’t mean he couldn’t mess around with the “other” girls in town if he kept it quiet. A practice he continued throughout his ministry and marriage. No one ever talked about it, though. They didn’t want to hurt “his work for the Lord.”

We’re paying closer attention to these stories today. We’re becoming more vocal. We are doing our dead-level best to keep history from repeating itself. That means we must keep speaking up and speaking out because, unfortunately, it’s still happening. While the three stories above are decades old, they could be in the headlines today.

For instance, his week, another Christian school employee (vice principal/teacher/coach/youth leader) was arrested for inappropriately touching a student. The good news is a fellow employee turned the vice principal in. That wouldn’t have happened a decade ago. Back then, the teaching staff would have turned the man over to the pastor, not the police. Now, people know better. We’ve started talking about what MUST be done when abuse is discovered. It is up to the police — not a church leader — to launch an investigation.

The bad news is that there is a victim who was tested, groomed, and traumatized. I’m heartbroken for the student and hope he/she gets the help and support they need as they emerge from this trauma.

We still have work to do. Some people still haven’t gotten the message that a rapist is a criminal committing a criminal act. Their victims are blameless. The crimes committed against the victims have nothing to do with what they wear, where they are, their age, their economic class, their race, their gender, or their availability. We need to put the blame where it belongs and keep it off the fragile shoulders of those who have already been victimized. Rape is a crime committed by the rapist, not the victim.

It is time to stop protecting the criminals, no matter who they are. It’s time to stop hiding the truth. Keep speaking out. Deeply buried secrets help no one.

The Art of Persisting is a novel dealing with the subject of SA and its long-term effects.