You’re doing too much for your toddler
See below for some kitchen updates, such as they are!
You’re doing too much for your toddler!
I’m going to talk about two types of little person, aged about 2-5, though of course there are many sorts and who knows even day-to-day if their little personalities will even be consistent.
But this is a blog post, not a book, so I’m painting with a broad brush — use what I say and fiddle with it until it fits your situation, using your awareness of the needs of those around you as a guide.
Basically, mothering has become so fraught with unreasonable expectations that our small children are not getting the direction they need to move from the center-of-the-universe infant/baby stage to the one where they are learning that a world exists outside of themselves.
To make this move, they need, depending on where they fall in the categories I’m going to describe (again, adjust as necessary), both confidence and self-control.
The mothering issue that interferes with the necessary process is the idea that good parenting means doing things for your children. I think this comes from outsourcing child care to others. We expect people we are paying to mind our children to display, outwardly, active involvement.
But that’s actually not that good for children.
Now, I really do think mothers need to be sure their babies of all ages are fed, clothed, get enough sleep, and look presentable, and get educated on all levels. That’s already a big order. Mothers also need to sit with their friends, read a book, put their feet up, and not be at the beck and call of their little tyrants!
The good news is that little munchkins do not need you, the mom, to jump up and get them every little thing they want, nor do you have to be on alert to interpret everything they say to everyone and vice versa, help them out of every situation, and in general buffer their lives.
In the case of a shy child, try this. Say she wants part of the snack being offered at a gathering. Instead of excusing yourself from your conversation to help her, smilingly encourage her to ask an older child (say, a handy six-year-old) to show her what to do. “Go ask Melissa if she’ll go with you to get some water.” Look over at Melissa and ask her, “Would you be able to help Mary get a drink?” Then remain where you are and let it happen. Keep an eye out to be sure she is not grinding her brownie into the carpet; instruct her to sit on the porch outside to eat an ice cream cone.
I had one extremely shy child and it took quite a while for her to get to the point where she could go off and help herself in a gathering, but it was worth it gently to guide her until she was ready.
I remember once she whispered to me, “Tell her [a nice mom trying to say hi] I’m shy” — and sometimes you have to go along with that for a bit. But always look for opportunities for a success in relating to people other than mom; often a slightly older child will bring about that success.
At the playground, let the children run around. It’s actually okay if they climb up the slide. Nothing bad will happen if they fall on the mulch. Fine, teach your tw0-year-old not to run right in front of the swings. Auntie Leila is not in favor of concussions. But otherwise, demonstrate assurance that things will take care of themselves by not jumping up, but remaining over at the bench with your friends, having a conversation, calling out brightly, “You can do it!” if absolutely necessary.
In the case of an extroverted child who tends to be a bit heedless about grabbing four muffins and racing off with them, try this: Say, “Peter, please take that plate of cookies and offer them to the ladies sitting over there.” Think about it beforehand and head him off at the pass, but verbally, so you don’t have to get up. Instill in your child respect for the beckoning finger, with which you call him over to you, and deliver short, pointed instructions. “I don’t want you to eat a thing until you have brought these napkins over to that table.” This gregarious child interrupts a lot in part because you have given him the idea that his every action and thought must go through you!
If another adult or older child comes over to help your child, let it happen. Don’t feel that the socially appropriate thing is for you to jump up and intervene (because your child is so shy, or because she’s so unruly either). The person wants to help (because she sees you with your infant, or you are blocked from the center of the action by bodies, bags, tables, chairs, and so on).
And it’s good for your child to go off with someone friendly for a minute.
Your child can see in your eyes how he ought to react. If you are anxious, he will be anxious. Your anxiety might stem from not wanting to impose on the nice lady, but he interprets it as your conviction that only you can ever help him.
I remember my stepmother saying to her younger children (my half-sisters, who were maybe 5 and 2 at the time), “Go ask those [totally random] people how they are doing” — sending the girls off to mingle with others! I particularly remember this happening once on an airplane! Which speaks to how differently children were viewed (this was probably in the 70s), how smart she was in distracting antsy kids, and not insignificantly, how spacious airplanes used to be!
In any case, my only point is to say, you may have a haunting feeling that you are being judged for not leaping up to attend to your children at a gathering, but that’s unlikely — unless they are being naughty, in which case you might have to rouse yourself, not for the sake of not being judged but because you ought to. On the other hand, you could send a passing teenage boy to intervene… would do them both good. “Can you get him off that table please? Do whatever you want with him… ”
Encouraging your child to come and go, to get something on his own, and to become aware of the needs of others, will help them develop socially, and that benefits everyone!
Kitchen Reno CornerIn this post I poured out all my tile thoughts. I have subsequently gotten that box of 45 handmade tiles I found for $10 on FBMP (because Auntie Sue kindly sent her son to pick them up, and then she and her husband delivered them, which gave us a good excuse to have a glass of wine in my wreck of a house) — and they are even nicer than I thought they would be!
But I’m not sure where to go from here (as outlined in that post).
We have a door and windows, plaster, bead board, a ceiling, and some trim. I have chosen colors (I think??): Governor’s Gold for the cabinets and Calming Cream for everything else. (See above, the first photo on this post!)
I know what flooring I’m getting (heart pine, it’s what we have everywhere else) and now I need to figure out what material to put right in front of the hearth. Do you remember the Talavera tiles?
I did love them (and they were from my mom’s stash — she was always to be relied upon for a smattering of materials — so, free). They were not, however, actually floor tiles. Too soft, really.
I need something super durable. I would do something like Jerusalem Limestone there. However, I also want it to go under my range, and limestone is porous — and I’m clumsy with things like oil spills. Does it matter? Would I be always sealing?
There is porcelain tile that matches the stone’s look; I just wonder how it will be to cut it to fit. Will the cut edges be the same as the manufactured edges? Currently considering this tile (someone on FBMP is selling them for a very good price). Remember, it would not be the whole floor! Just a bit in front of the fireplace and some under the range.
But I would be open to porcelain brick tile or something else… just not sure what!
Would love for this part to be over… the decisions… it’s getting so that I have trouble deciding what flavor ice cream to have, not that I was ever good at making choices!
bits & piecesAn article about the viral TikTok in which a woman discovers that men think about the Roman Empire all the time — so amusing! But so revealing! This quote from another commenter: “Men inherently have the need to conquer,” he said. “We always have and we always will. We want to conquer. We want to conquer everything. We’re adventurous. We need and seek that, and if we don’t have it then we imagine it.”
He went on to say that maybe men are desperate because they’re not conquering things themselves, but someone else said, “It’s not just about Roman conquest, it’s about civilization, glory, honor, culture, longevity etc etc… ” Another person had a different theory, writing, “It’s just interesting to see how big it got with its impact and to look at all the things the inventions and how they fell.”
I personally think about the Roman Empire once in a while, especially when deploring all the potholes in the roads around me, despite constant, disruptive repairs going on… but apparently, who knew, men and women are different.
NB: James Augustine (a FB friend): “With the traditional Rosary, after the sign of the cross, you recite the Apostle’s Creed. Reference right there to Pontius Pilate. You cannot recite the Rosary without thinking about Pontius Pilate.
With the Joyous Mysteries, Jesus incarnated in a territory controlled by the Roman Empire. (I do not pray the Luminous Mysteries because they are not really part of the Rosary, but the Institution of the Eucharist is right before Christ’s execution under the Roman authorities.) At least four of the Sorrowful Mysteries deal with Roman governance. Also, Latin is one the three languages affixed to the instrument of our salvation. The first Glorious Mystery is the Resurrection, which was preceded by Roman guards sealing the Tomb, and then being sent out to search for the body when the tomb was empty.”
I never thought of it that way! But then, I’m a girl!
Last week we talked about a needlework guild; in the comments dear Janet linked to this amazing site of the St. Martha’s Guild of St. John Cantius in Chicago. Lots of resources here for needlewomen too!
The Lies in Your Grocery Store — well, my mother always told me to read the labels; I told my kids to read the labels. Also, if you enjoy mystery novels, read Dorothy Sayers’ delightful Murder Must Advertise (affiliate link): coincidentally a primer on advertising techniques that have you fooled on what you are buying — this has all been going on a long time. Buyer beware!
I Was Never Anti-Vax – “I was never anti-vax,” Tennis champ Novak Djokovic said. “I was always pro-freedom-to-choose. And that’s something that we took really for granted. I didn’t feel like a lot of people had a choice, really.”
The Emperor’s New Clothes is the parable for our time (be sure to read it to your children!). The reference is not the only reason I benefit from following this Substack, The Naked Emperor (from which I got the previous link), but it does give me an extra reason to like it.
from the archivesLast week I said a few things about keeping children looking tidy, and the comments had me digging up this post, to which my family members contributed: Ask Auntie Leila: Five steps to feeling pretty after the baby.
Our kids are stressed out: a reminder as school gets going again.
liturgical living
Saints Cornelius (d. 253) and Cyprian (190-258)
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My book, The Summa Domestica: Order and Wonder in Family Life is available from Sophia Press! Also in paperback now! All the thoughts from this blog collected into three volumes, beautifully presented with illustrations from Deirdre, an index in each volume, and ribbons!
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