Lost in a labyrinth of my own making

I’ve been asked to write a couple of pieces of nonfiction. At one time it was my deepest desire to be the kind of writer that people invited to produce work rather than endlessly chase submissions. But I find that now these invites have caught me unawares and, worse, feeling like an imposter.

I’ve not published anything for a while (reprints in Best of’s in 2021 were my last publications) and not really written anything for longer – of course publication generally follows some time after writing. So I feel like I have ceased being a writer and become someone who used to write and/or someone who will write in the future (at this point that’s just a hope). Because everyone tells you that writers write, right?

I won’t go into personal circumstances, but major life events that occurred last year aside there’s no one reason why I stopped. I tell myself this and immediately disagree – I mean the deeper, and one true, reason is, I think, the fear.

Because writing now induces a kind of panic followed by a dark depressive state and it is a labyrinth I am lost inside of, and it is of my own making – I have been unable to get out of my own way.

I have been able to edit though, been able to work on other people’s work and, in some cases, recognise that my own stuff was better. (Which sentence of course makes me wince at how arrogant it sounds)

Recently my friend Dolly (Hi Dolly!) put together a very useful post for writers who hate self-publicity and step 4 was “Own your talent” which was about being confident in your own work and learning to accept compliments with grace, which prompted me to respond that I have yet to learn step 4 – I am bad at taking compliments.

After a short discussion my flippant response was: “Much easier to not create anything and then you don’t need to promote it.” And really that’s part of the labyrinth. Another part is the fear of success – the last few things I’ve published have been shortlisted for awards and/or chosen for year’s best collections. And of course I don’t feel like I deserve this.

Another part is feeling like I can’t move on until I’ve finished, i.e. published, The Certainty of Dust which I’ve been writing since the before times (for oh so long) and yet also being lost in that – it doesn’t work, it could be fixed but do I have the chops to fix it? I know I should just get on another horse and write some shorts to conquer the fear of completion but somehow I can’t. In fact I have a bunch of short stories written that need revision and somehow that’s a task I can endlessly put off too…

And so, like Bartelby the Scrivener, at some point I decided – I would prefer not to.

And yet – like a zombie going through the motions of a life it’s deceased brain barely recalls – I do writerly things. I go on retreats. I go to writing meet ups. I am down to go to FantasyCon and BristolCon where I shall no doubt appear on panels and pretend I’m still a writer. I’ve signed up for a short course on The Artist’s Way and I think I need to learn Herbert’s litany against fear and use it daily while doing this course and maybe, possibly, I’ll find my way out of the labyrinth.

“I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain.”

At FantasyCon I am on two panels:

Shortcraft – on Saturday as a moderator: What makes a good short story? How can the word limit play to your advantage? Our panel discuss writing short and their experiences.

Coincidentally this is also the topic of one of the pieces of nonfiction that I’ve been asked to write – so getting ready for the panel is also going to help me write that. Happy days.

And Roll the Dice! – on Sunday as a panelist – Roleplaying games are an adjacent creative industry to the craft of writing stories. So many elements of roleplaying games are relevant to how you can approach storytelling. Our panel share some experiences and advice from playing and creating roleplaying games that might be useful for new imagineers.

I have worked as an editor in the RPG market so I feel this is the experience I am bringing to this panel, although I have written plenty of adventures as well. Seven Deadly Swords harks back to a set of adventures written in the Vampire the Masquerade World of Darkness for example (I ran a campaign where the players were human hunters before there was a supplement for that.) Although it changed a lot in the writing.

In the meantime if you see me, don’t ask how the writing is going.