I Endure THE RAVEN & Clear Up Misconceptions About Crazy-Ass Writers
Writers aren't like writers on TV (Liz Lemon: "One time I laughed at a blind guy eating spaghetti! Sometimes I pee in the shower if I'm really tired! I saw my grandparents making love once and didn't leave right away!") or the movies (Mary Fisher: "He held her body as he had for a millenium with an ease neither of them had ever, ever known. He reached for her...nub...love...button!"). But my friend Cathie enjoys pretending they are. Specifically, she likes pretending I am. So I probably should have known what I was in for when we decided to indulge our John Cusack jones. We went to The Raven last night with her son, August, and it was pretty terrific. The other show, I mean, the Cathie-and-MJ show, not The Raven. The Raven sucked ass.
First, I was completely floored by how much her eldest had grown. You know how it is with your friends and their kids: you see the pals pretty regularly, but maybe not the kids. And they have this weird thing they do where they get bigger, really fast. Contrary to our demands that they remain children, pre-teens and teens ignore their parents' wishes and aggressivly grow. With malice! They do it on purpose, just to mess with me! I mean, their parents. And even though back in the day I found it annoying when my parents' friends would exclaim about me getting tall, the only stuff to come out of my mouth last night were the cliches I was sick of: my, my, look how you'e grown! Wow, what have you been eating? I can't get over how tall you're getting! When I was your age etc., etc., blah-blah-blaaaaaaaaah. To give August credit, he listened politely to my inane babbling while churning through a bucket of popcorn the size of his head.
The popcorn! Okay, movie popcorn tends to be pretty yuck-o, unless you love the taste of stale. Also, they sell it for about eighty bucks an ounce. Also, the Carmike movie theater in Apple Valley has a special: if you buy the bucket of popcorn, anytime the rest of the year you can bring the bucket back and they'll fill it for free. "You don't even need to be here to see a movie," the concession clerk explained. So, what, it's like lunch? You could bring your bucket to the lobby and eat popcorn for the rest of the day? Could you get a sandwich with that, or just M&Ms? Would you bring your friends to the movie theater and treat them to popcorn while not seeing a movie? What...what is the selling point, here? Why is this something I'd want in my life? But Cathie was intrigued, so into the theater we went, bucket o'popcorn in tow. I assume she's gonna hold on to that bucket and, in a month or so, invite me to come to the movie theater to eat popcorn but not see a movie. Can't wait!
So, The Raven started. And I tried to keep an open mind, because I love John Cusack. Better Off Dead ("Two...dollars...") and Gross Point Blank ("I killed the president of Paraguay with a fork. How've you been?") are two of my all-time faves. The Raven, however, will not be one of my faves. In a movie about a writer, it was hilarious that the writing was awful. They must have told John Cusack to scream nearly all of his lines. Shrill is not a good look (or sound) for him. I wish I didn't know that.
So early on Cusack/Poe is trying to wheedle booze out of a bartender, probably trying to convey "tortured writer self-destructing in a world where he is scorned and misunderstood", but instead he put across "giant douchebag". He starts breaking glasses and bottles and shoving chairs while screaming about what a misunderstood genius he is: "NONE OF YOU HAVE THE CAPACITY TO UNDERSTAND MY ART!" Crash, shatter. "HOW DARE YOU JUDGE WHEN YOU HAVE NO SOULS!" Clink, clunk. "YOU ARE ALL SCUM ON THE MUD PUDDLE OF LIFE!" (I'm paraphrasing.)
Cathie whispered to her son, "Yep, MJ does this all the time. That's why we can't go to Applebee's anymore."
As above, Cathie gets most of her ideas about my work from TV, movies, and books. After she'd seen She-Devil she asked if I lounged around all day in pink silk dressing gowns, writing with pastel ink, fussing over my be-poufed yappy poodle while thinking up euphamisms for clitoris and seducing married men. "Yeah, but only on Tuesdays," I replied (I hated to shatter the illusion). Damn you, Meryl Streep! This isn't the first time you've caused trouble for me.
And whenever I'd head to a conference, she'd remind me to beware of dumpy brunette women prowling the hotel bar with an axe while they muttered what a dirty bird I was, and threatened to play their Liberace records. Like anybody would need warning to avoid that.
Later in the movie, Poe has to write a new story and it has to be perfect and suspenseful and his best work ever and the editor can't change a word or the killer's gonna bring the hurt on another vic. So he's swilling booze and scribbling on parchment rolls that look like toilet paper for giants and screaming at the editor, "SHE WILL DIE IF I DO NOT DO THIS THING! YOU CANNOT TOUCH A WORD YOU INBRED SWINE! I WANT MY TWO DOLLARS!" (I'm paraphrasing.)
Cathie leaned over. "No more bitching about deadlines for you," she informed me cheerfully. I had to agree; Poe's writing deadline seemed pretty stressful. Mine tend to lack that whole iminent death vibe.
"I WILL KILL THIS MADMAN WHO I ACCIDENTALLY INSPIRED WITH ALL MY DARK GENIUS AND YOU WILL NOT CHANGE ONE WORD YOU WILL NOT CHANGE THE TITLE YOU WILL STAY OUT OF MY WAY SO I CAN SAVE THAT POOR WOMAN FROM THE CLUTCHES OF A MAD KILLER YOU STUPID ASSHAT DUMB SHITS!" (I'm...never mind, you know what I'm up to.)
"That's exactly how she is," she murmured to August. That poor kid! All he wanted to do was sit through a terrible movie with his chatty mom and her annoying friend, and eat his weight in popcorn, and now he's gotta put up with weird writer comparisons, and his mom's buddy sneaking popcorn. "MJ always storms into offices and yells, 'PRINT IT ALL OR GO TO HELL, DAMN YOU, SO I CAN SAVE THAT POOR WOMAN FROM THE CLUTCHES OF A MAD KILLER!' when her editor wants to make necessary changes. Don't even get me started on her prose."
In addition to the writing myths that kept springing up, the dialogue was pretty terrible, which would have been unbearable if it hadn't given us more ammunition. A few examples: one of the characters described their mental state as "I guess I went a little nuts!" which I cannot imagine was early-to-mid 19th century jargon. Poe is also referred to as an alcoholic, when it's commonly thought the term wasn't used until 1849...the year he died. Of alcoholism! Or not...by then I'd lost all interest in the fate of Cusack-Poe. No interest in him. No interest in the heroine's fate. No interest in whodunnit. No interest in THE POOR WOMAN he was trying to save FROM THE CLUTCHES OF A MAD KILLER. Nope, I'm out. I'm just gonna steal more popcorn and stoically endure. C'mon, end credits!
After ten or eleven hours, the credits rolled and I gratefully lunged for the exit. Other than the pleasure of Cathie and her little boy's company (who has defiantly grown at least a head taller than his mother, despite strict orders to the contrary), I left the theater with a smile on my face: "And to think, I didn't have anything to blog about this week."
Ha! Now you've all got to pay the price for my John Cusack fixation. Quoth the Raven, "You would be wise to do as Mother says, Lane Myers." Whoops! Wrong Cusack movie.
First, I was completely floored by how much her eldest had grown. You know how it is with your friends and their kids: you see the pals pretty regularly, but maybe not the kids. And they have this weird thing they do where they get bigger, really fast. Contrary to our demands that they remain children, pre-teens and teens ignore their parents' wishes and aggressivly grow. With malice! They do it on purpose, just to mess with me! I mean, their parents. And even though back in the day I found it annoying when my parents' friends would exclaim about me getting tall, the only stuff to come out of my mouth last night were the cliches I was sick of: my, my, look how you'e grown! Wow, what have you been eating? I can't get over how tall you're getting! When I was your age etc., etc., blah-blah-blaaaaaaaaah. To give August credit, he listened politely to my inane babbling while churning through a bucket of popcorn the size of his head.
The popcorn! Okay, movie popcorn tends to be pretty yuck-o, unless you love the taste of stale. Also, they sell it for about eighty bucks an ounce. Also, the Carmike movie theater in Apple Valley has a special: if you buy the bucket of popcorn, anytime the rest of the year you can bring the bucket back and they'll fill it for free. "You don't even need to be here to see a movie," the concession clerk explained. So, what, it's like lunch? You could bring your bucket to the lobby and eat popcorn for the rest of the day? Could you get a sandwich with that, or just M&Ms? Would you bring your friends to the movie theater and treat them to popcorn while not seeing a movie? What...what is the selling point, here? Why is this something I'd want in my life? But Cathie was intrigued, so into the theater we went, bucket o'popcorn in tow. I assume she's gonna hold on to that bucket and, in a month or so, invite me to come to the movie theater to eat popcorn but not see a movie. Can't wait!
So, The Raven started. And I tried to keep an open mind, because I love John Cusack. Better Off Dead ("Two...dollars...") and Gross Point Blank ("I killed the president of Paraguay with a fork. How've you been?") are two of my all-time faves. The Raven, however, will not be one of my faves. In a movie about a writer, it was hilarious that the writing was awful. They must have told John Cusack to scream nearly all of his lines. Shrill is not a good look (or sound) for him. I wish I didn't know that.
So early on Cusack/Poe is trying to wheedle booze out of a bartender, probably trying to convey "tortured writer self-destructing in a world where he is scorned and misunderstood", but instead he put across "giant douchebag". He starts breaking glasses and bottles and shoving chairs while screaming about what a misunderstood genius he is: "NONE OF YOU HAVE THE CAPACITY TO UNDERSTAND MY ART!" Crash, shatter. "HOW DARE YOU JUDGE WHEN YOU HAVE NO SOULS!" Clink, clunk. "YOU ARE ALL SCUM ON THE MUD PUDDLE OF LIFE!" (I'm paraphrasing.)
Cathie whispered to her son, "Yep, MJ does this all the time. That's why we can't go to Applebee's anymore."
As above, Cathie gets most of her ideas about my work from TV, movies, and books. After she'd seen She-Devil she asked if I lounged around all day in pink silk dressing gowns, writing with pastel ink, fussing over my be-poufed yappy poodle while thinking up euphamisms for clitoris and seducing married men. "Yeah, but only on Tuesdays," I replied (I hated to shatter the illusion). Damn you, Meryl Streep! This isn't the first time you've caused trouble for me.
And whenever I'd head to a conference, she'd remind me to beware of dumpy brunette women prowling the hotel bar with an axe while they muttered what a dirty bird I was, and threatened to play their Liberace records. Like anybody would need warning to avoid that.
Later in the movie, Poe has to write a new story and it has to be perfect and suspenseful and his best work ever and the editor can't change a word or the killer's gonna bring the hurt on another vic. So he's swilling booze and scribbling on parchment rolls that look like toilet paper for giants and screaming at the editor, "SHE WILL DIE IF I DO NOT DO THIS THING! YOU CANNOT TOUCH A WORD YOU INBRED SWINE! I WANT MY TWO DOLLARS!" (I'm paraphrasing.)
Cathie leaned over. "No more bitching about deadlines for you," she informed me cheerfully. I had to agree; Poe's writing deadline seemed pretty stressful. Mine tend to lack that whole iminent death vibe.
"I WILL KILL THIS MADMAN WHO I ACCIDENTALLY INSPIRED WITH ALL MY DARK GENIUS AND YOU WILL NOT CHANGE ONE WORD YOU WILL NOT CHANGE THE TITLE YOU WILL STAY OUT OF MY WAY SO I CAN SAVE THAT POOR WOMAN FROM THE CLUTCHES OF A MAD KILLER YOU STUPID ASSHAT DUMB SHITS!" (I'm...never mind, you know what I'm up to.)
"That's exactly how she is," she murmured to August. That poor kid! All he wanted to do was sit through a terrible movie with his chatty mom and her annoying friend, and eat his weight in popcorn, and now he's gotta put up with weird writer comparisons, and his mom's buddy sneaking popcorn. "MJ always storms into offices and yells, 'PRINT IT ALL OR GO TO HELL, DAMN YOU, SO I CAN SAVE THAT POOR WOMAN FROM THE CLUTCHES OF A MAD KILLER!' when her editor wants to make necessary changes. Don't even get me started on her prose."
In addition to the writing myths that kept springing up, the dialogue was pretty terrible, which would have been unbearable if it hadn't given us more ammunition. A few examples: one of the characters described their mental state as "I guess I went a little nuts!" which I cannot imagine was early-to-mid 19th century jargon. Poe is also referred to as an alcoholic, when it's commonly thought the term wasn't used until 1849...the year he died. Of alcoholism! Or not...by then I'd lost all interest in the fate of Cusack-Poe. No interest in him. No interest in the heroine's fate. No interest in whodunnit. No interest in THE POOR WOMAN he was trying to save FROM THE CLUTCHES OF A MAD KILLER. Nope, I'm out. I'm just gonna steal more popcorn and stoically endure. C'mon, end credits!
After ten or eleven hours, the credits rolled and I gratefully lunged for the exit. Other than the pleasure of Cathie and her little boy's company (who has defiantly grown at least a head taller than his mother, despite strict orders to the contrary), I left the theater with a smile on my face: "And to think, I didn't have anything to blog about this week."
Ha! Now you've all got to pay the price for my John Cusack fixation. Quoth the Raven, "You would be wise to do as Mother says, Lane Myers." Whoops! Wrong Cusack movie.
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Helen
(new)
May 03, 2012 08:10PM
<3! SOo much LOLZ :) Thanks MJ! My fave JC movie would have to be "Being John Malkovich". Might give this one a miss and stay home to read my new undead which arrived this week- YAY!
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I actually liked the movie. Oscar worthy..far from it but it was interesting. The look of it was gorgeous! By the way, Identity is still my fav. JC movie.
