Slower and intentional living: I don’t want to be pushing for the rest of my life

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Slower and intentional living: I don’t want to be pushing for the rest of my life

I’ve spent most of my adulthood so far, ten years, worrying and stressing and panicking. I’m 28 and all I desire right now is not to be bettering myself. I know I’ve built content around this very idea over many years, but that doesn’t feel right to me anymore. Not right now, anyway.

Because whether you consciously think it or not, wanting to better yourself and your life means you are usually looking at who you are and what you have from a place of discontent. Maybe you’re not unhappy or you don’t hate yourself, but you’re likely not quite satisfied. And that’s okay. It’s okay to be happy and still want more for yourself. That’s a healthy way of progressing in life.

However, for me, I just don’t want to optimise and strive right now. I’m craving autopilot. I’m craving peace. I’m craving slowing down.

For ten years, I’ve panicked that I didn’t have romantic experiences and so I was behind. I didn’t have a university degree and so I was behind. I didn’t have a good job so I was behind. Didn’t make enough money so I was behind. Haven’t travelled so I was behind. That I had to get myself okay with full time work, studying later in life, moving out, getting a house, on and on. All this pressure. All this panic. It’s just not been good for me.

I’m not alone. I think this is a regular symptom of our twenties. However, people will sooner talk about your twenties like this amazing time in your life where you’re free and young and fit and can travel and experiment and oh what a joy!! But it’s not like that for most. I wasn’t like that for me. It’s been a time of depression, anxiety, feeling less than, and hating everything I do and am. It’s feeling like no matter what you do, it’s not good enough.

Lately, my big fret has been travel. That I haven’t travelled enough in my twenties. That I’m behind my peers. That my sister will be the cool one who has visited many countries and now has stories to tell. But without going into detail and wasting your time, I’m slowly realising that travel is glorified and there’s very little deep thinking out there about it – from what I’ve seen. That yes, it’s important and fun and helps you to gain perspective and widens your worldview, but it’s not all ease and joy.

Travel costs money, even if you do it the budget-friendly way. It takes time and energy. Oprah’s book on trauma mentions how travelling is very stressful and tiring for the brain because you’re met with so much new information that it’s overwhelming and unsettling, even if you don’t know this consciously. Not everyone has the opportunity to travel often, the finances, the health, the mentality, the personality, the convenience. It’s just that simple. My sister has a more adventurous personality than I do, more money than I do, an adventurous partner and a job where she can take more time off. Simply put, she’s better equipped to travel, and that’s okay.

What I’m coming to accept is that the things I think I want might not be for me. The things I’m stressing myself out over are not all sunshine and rainbows. That cultivating a place of peace and acceptance within oneself is vastly more important than fulfilling an arbitrary checklist put on us by society. That it’s okay to move at my own pace, look within, and make choices from a place of authenticity and integrity and joy and peace – not a place of panic and comparison.

We booked a trip to Greece this summer and while I’m sure it will be amazing (we haven’t gone yet at the time of writing this), I also know we couldn’t really afford it during the busiest and most expensive time of year to travel. While yes, we kind of booked it because we deserve a break (especially my husband) and I finished university and we were like “screw it, let’s go!”. But at the same time, I quickly began to regret it. I won’t get personal here but in a nutshell, this has reminded me how much I am lead by comparison and the fear of missing out. I didn’t want to be the only person who doesn’t go abroad this year and so I felt pushed to go. Is a holiday nice? Needed? Good? Absolutely! But for the right reasons, at the right time, and only if it’s appropriate and comes from a good place. I’ve learned my lesson and that’s okay.

Mistakes either become a lesson and a ladder or a punishment and a pit.

Alas, I want to take my foot off the accelerator and coast a while. I’ve worked bloody hard over ten years of adulthood! I now have my degree. I have a full time job and better role at my workplace. I have a husband and a lovely dog. I have people I care about and who care about me. I am in such a good place with my novels and creativity. I’m in a good place with my physical health, routinely working out in my way. I have a counsellor to help me when I get low. I have techniques for putting things into perspective and getting up when I feel down. I read actively and learn new things all the time. I think I will be okay if I just ride this wave for a while. Not stressing and pushing and hustling and trying to “fix” and “perfect” and “optimise” everything.

New and only plan needed for a while:

Save the extra money we’re making Keep readingKeep doing yoga Keep cooking and trying new foodsKeep writing my novels and editing themKeep learning from a place of curiosity

Sorry for the ramble but it’s where my head is at right now. I think we live in a society that rewards hustling and always being on the go but doesn’t hold a slower pace to the same standard. That if you’re content with a simple life, you must be boring or missing out. I’ve feared that word and been triggered emotionally by it since I was a teenager: boring. But maybe it’s time I embraced it. Let myself be boring to others as long as I’m not bored myself! Let myself “miss out” on things that I just don’t want or need right now. Accept the varying paces of each person’s lifestyle and that social media may paint a fabulous picture, but even those with “amazing” lives aren’t necessarily as happy as I am. That while I may seek and feel upset by their external picture, they may be craving and desperately needing my internal reality.

Reflection, gratitude and letting it sink in era

I think this part of my life is about the reflection on what I’ve gained and achieved over the years of striving. This is a part of success and hard work that’s not spoken about enough. What’s the point in working hard if you can’t reap the rewards afterward? If you don’t take the time to appreciate what you’ve achieved and how far you’ve come? This is about being present. Living in the moment, not pushing for and dwelling on the future or lamenting the past (something I really need to work on). It’s having gratitude for everything you have that you once wished for. Letting all the good stuff sink in. I’m an introspective person by nature (duh, this blog is proof of that!), and so it’s time to introspection actively. To go inward and look around at the renovations that have been made over the years of hard work. How have I changed? Do I like what I see? Do I still believe old narratives or have I written new ones? To be successful in life, you need to make time to reflect like this so you can keep progressing anyway, otherwise you may fall victim to repeating old mistakes.

I wish happiness and peace on us all. If you needed it, let this post be permission for you to do as I am and relax a little. Let yourself just live as you are without having to constantly be pushing for something or feeling the need to tick things off.