Three Reasons Why You Should Support Your Trans Child (Advice from a trans kid)
My trans son came home and reported that one of his classmates little brother “wanted to be a girl,” but his mom “wouldn’t let him.” My first thought was “I should talk to that mom. I can help her out.” My second thought was “Actually, it’s none of my business.” My third was “But, isn’t it?”
I know that for many parents it can be hard to accept your child as transgender or non-binary. According to my 8-year-old, the mom was worried about her kid being bullied. I get that. My 8-year-old was bullied a bit when he came out in first grade, but, two grades later, that’s all done. Part of the reason he’s no longer bullied is that we were behind him, we supported him, we fought for him and made the school take some action. So, I asked him to give me three reasons of why it’s important to support your kid if he/she/they tell you that he/she/they are trans or non-binary.
Here are the three that came out right away:
So your child won’t be sad. The amount of depression and anxiety among trans/non-binary kids and teens who are not supported by their families and/or their communities is staggering. If you do not support your kid in their gender-identifying journey, studies show that there is over a 50% chance that your child/teen will become depressed, almost a third develop anxiety, and the attempted suicide rate is almost 20%. If you do support your kid in their gender journey, especially if they are accepted by the outside community and their peers, they generally have the same mental health as their cis-gender peers. Personally, with my AFAB (assigned female at birth) kid who identifies as a boy, I’d rather have an alive son than a dead daughter. The reverse is the risk you are taking if you don’t let your kid express themselves in their gender identity. If you force them to hide who they truly are, if you tell them you don’t believe them, or give any answer really other than, “Okay. I love you. Thank you for telling me,” you are putting your kid’s mental health at stake. You love your kid for who they are, even if who they are is hard for you. And remember that….
Your kid is going to be trans anyway. You can force them into clothes they hate. You can refuse to use their preferred pronouns. You can do all the things to make them hide their true feelings about who they are, AND they’re going to be trans whether you support it or not. It’s better to support their gender identity and help them live the life they want to live because when they leave the house at whatever age that is (assuming they don’t kill themselves in high school), they’re probably going to do all the things you wouldn’t let them do. Your AMAB (assigned male at birth) is going to wear dresses and heels. Your AFAB is going to start going by he/him. And they will do that when they come home, when they see your relatives, on social media - all the things. Support them at whatever age they come out. Let them know that you still love them. That it’s okay to be trans or non-binary. They will identify with that gender anyway, and one day it will manifest itself outwardly.
Your kid will grow up to hate you. This is harsh, but it’s what my trans son said. And he’s only 8. But, if you think about it, it’s true - even if you thought you were doing the best thing for your kid by not letting them be who they really were. It’s even more likely if you told your kid that being trans was “bad” or “unnatural.” Your relationship with your kid will deteriorate over time until there may be no love left on their side. Imagine if you were AMAB, identified as a male, but your parents would only let your wear dresses and have your hair long, even when you begged them to let your wear boy’s jeans and blue t-shirts. Imagine that they only called you she/her, no matter how many times you tried to correct them. Imagine having to endure that for 18 years. How would you feel towards your parents? After 18 years, your relationship with your parents would probably be in tatters, and it would take a lot of therapy to get over what is basically mental abuse. Please, please, please, respond to your kid coming out with love, kindness, and support.
This is advice from a trans kid who has been through a lot in the past two and a half years. I’m writing this as a mother who didn’t see the coming out coming, but has seen her son blossom through support by his family, his school, and our extended community. If you have questions or need some answers, you can contact me. I can help you, and I will help you without judgment. The first step is to give your kid a hug, say “I love you,” and work with them to achieve what they want out of their gender identity.
Information/Resources on Transgender and Non-Binary Kids
Studies on Mental Health in Trans/Non-Binary kids and teens: https://jamanetwork.com/journals/jamanetworkopen/fullarticle/2789423
https://www.hsph.harvard.edu/news/hsph-in-the-news/transgender-youth-at-risk-for-depression-suicide/
Resources for parents of TNB kids:
http://www.transyouthequality.org/for-parents
https://www.hrc.org/resources/transgender-children-and-youth-understanding-the-basics
