Dying is the Most Exciting Thing You Can Do in a Place Like This
I get tired of trees and move to the desert. There’s a lot of sky and not a lot to do.
The first night there, it’s very windy. Thankfully, I don’t have to worry about any trees coming down on my small house. I sleep really well.
The next day I play with some dirt and kick some rocks. By mid-afternoon, it’s too hot to be outside. I go in the house, drink some water, and try to watch TV but the only channel I can find is just an endless slideshow of anuses. I masturbate and then get bored again. I turn on the air conditioner and go to bed.
I sleep through the night and decide to take a walk in the morning, while it’s still cool. I wander down the road until I find a diner.
The only other person in the diner is an old man behind the counter. His white hair and beard make me think of a prospector. He asks me what he can get me. I order a hummus sandwich and an iced coffee.
“Iced coffee,” he says. “I don’t know how to do that.”
“Just put some ice in a cup of coffee.”
“Got it,” he says.
He does that and sets it on the counter in front of me. It’s gritty and not very good. He goes back to the kitchen and comes back with a plate containing two slices of bread.
“I don’t know what hummus is, but I don’t think I have any here.”
The bread is also gritty and I can’t eat all of it despite the man’s intense stare. I think he’s probably the reason more people don’t live here. He doesn’t say anything.
I pay him and get up to leave. He darts to the door ahead of me. A second ago, I would have been unable to imagine him moving this quickly.
“Wouldn’t go out there right now.”
“Why?”
“Too many snakes,” he says.
I peer around him. There are many snakes in front of the door.
“We might as well go in back and take a nap.”
I could use a nap. There’s something about all the sun and the heat. Even inside, it feels completely enervating.
“Yeah, okay,” I say.
We go in back and lie on the floor. I close my eyes but know I won’t be able to sleep because I can’t stop thinking about rattlesnakes crawling all over me. I ask if I can lie on the counter. He tells me that would be unsanitary.
I ask what he’s into. He says mostly running a business and anuses. I tell him about the anus channel but he’s already aware.
After a few hours, I can’t take it anymore.
“I’m taking off,” I say.
“Those snakes’ll still be out there.”
“I don’t care.”
I open the door and step out into the blazing afternoon sun. The snakes are too hot and lazy to strike so I’m able to make it to the road and begin wandering home.
