It’s Not Love, It’s Trauma!
It’s been a while since I have had a guest on my blog but when I saw Rebecca Jane’s wisdom on Facebook, I had to invite her to be a guest.
It’s not love, it’s trauma!
Working as a relationship therapist, and analysing why divorce rates today are so high, I have come to realise but one thing……
In order to sustain longevity in today’s modern relationships, it’s essential that both partners do some internal work!
What I mean by this is…..
Most people are unaware of how our childhood trauma and unhealed childhood wounds will resurface in our romantic relationships. Regardless of how old you are!
Many people will tell me (in the therapy room) they had a good childhood and nothing major happened to them (that they can think of).
However, in reality, this is rarely the case.
We ALL carry emotional baggage from our early environments and no one is exempt from this!
When most people think of the word trauma, they imagine some type of physical or sexual abuse.
However, trauma can also manifest in ways such as a child not feeling emotionally connected to their parents.
For example; A child may have felt unsupported, dismissed, unheard, invalidated, shamed, or criticized growing up and this may have left that child with significant trauma responses that they then carry into adulthood and project onto their partners.
Trauma responses can look like…..
Mood swings, emotional outbursts, trust issues, lost memories, low self-esteem, shutting down, withdrawing, clingy/neediness, difficulty setting boundaries. Just to name a few.
How this can manifest in a romantic relationship…
Anxious attachment – Extreme anxiety, clingy, neediness, controlling, suffocating,
Or
Avoidant attachment – Hyper independent, emotionally detached, emotionally guarded
Both of them are defence mechanisms!
Children are not designed to detach from their parents, because they need them in order to survive.
So, if a child grew up in an environment where they felt unseen, unheard, invalidated… they don’t stop loving their parents, they stop loving themselves!
As that child grows into an adult, it’s very likely, they will have a strong sense of unworthiness, and they may struggle to assert boundaries when people are taking them for granted or struggle to use their voice when they need to the most.
The problems also arise, when they enter into romantic relationships and an argument with a partner brings up all the old emotional stored pain they have suppressed in their bodies for so many years.
90 % of what you argue about with your partner relates to the past
Only 10 % of what you argue about with your partner relates to the present
Many of my clients will often say to me in a therapy session…
“Why do I keep attracting the same kind of partner?”
“I leave one relationship, only to recreate the same dynamic over and over again”.
Well, the reason for this is…
Our subconscious mind will always go towards what feels familiar, even if that’s unsafe or abusive.
Therefore, your subconscious mind looks for and filters through partners who have similar traits to one or both of your parents, because it’s trying to recreate your early environment.
Even if you never knew one of your parents, you may be subconsciously attracted to emotionally unavailable or dismissive partners for example.
So how do we overcome this?
Well, this is where the internal work comes in.
Throughout our childhood and our twenties, we are often very unconscious to our patterns.
It’s not until we reach our 30’s that we start to wake up and become more conscious and self- aware of how we act and behave towards other people.
In order to heal your childhood wounds and stop attracting partners and relationships that you know are not healthy for you, you have to have the curiosity and willingness to look at yourself.
If you are in the mindset of blaming your partner, then you still have a lot more healing to do.
Pay attention to when you are triggered and take the time to look for the deeper, hidden messages that are going on for you in that moment.
For example; If your partner has left dirty dishes in the sink and this sets off a strong emotional reaction in you when you come home..
Instead of instantly blaming your partner for being lazy etc,
What are you really feeling right now?
Disrespected?
Dismissed?
Disregarded?
Now ask yourself…. When did you feel this way in your childhood?
Always bring it back to yourself and look for how you have also been treating yourself this way in your day-to-day life right now.
For example,
Are you speaking up?
Using your voice?
Asserting strong boundaries and sticking to them?
Be completely honest with yourself.
We accept the love we think we deserve.
Therefore, if you want to change your outer reality, it all starts with you.
Rebecca Jane
Rebecca Jane is a BACP registered Relationship Therapist based in Yorkshire, UK.
Rebecca has a huge passion for helping others by drawing on her own experiences.
Previous work experience includes Cruse Bereavement and The Well Woman Charity.
Rebecca has published articles in The Counsellor’s Cafe Magazine, The Good Men Project, and Mindfulness and Grief.
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