End of summer journal reflection

Funny how highly we regard summer. Like it’s this ethereal extra time and place where miracles can happen. I work in a school, so we get just under 6 weeks off for summer and I had high expectations for what I could achieve. I had a “summer progress plan” on my notion notes! And to be honest, things haven’t worked out that way.

I didn’t freelance write and find ways to make more money. I didn’t get really fit, doing Nike workouts multiple times a week and running regularly. I didn’t sell things around the house for some spare cash.

But I did do some other things, perhaps the most important things. I wrote my novel (finished at 88,000 words). Read a lot and started annotating books. Journaled. Did new yoga, advanced yoga. Saw friends and family. Had a writing retreat. Tried new foods.

Most importantly, I relaxed!

I think we forget that summer break is, well, a break. That it’s okay not to be super productive all the time. That just because the days are longer, it doesn’t mean we must fill every second of them doing doing doing.

It’s okay to breathe and be.

I think I’ve had the summer I needed, not the one I wanted. One of ease and relaxation, but also creativity and nurturing myself. I’ve taken care of my home (big cleaning sessions and Decluttering) and my body (meditation, yoga, some workouts, new food, sleep).

Going into autumn, I feel called to intentionally slow down. It feels like something I’m always trying to do!! My intentions for this year were to slow down. My focus on yin and rest and calm and gentleness. But that hasn’t been the case. And so maybe, I’m still crying out for that space to breathe. Not to expect anything from myself. To just be.

Trouble is, I always feel like I’m wasting time. That I’m not where I want to be in life (living as a best-selling novelist, yoga teacher trained, able to manage my own time each day, feeling at peace with my choices and life circumstance), and so I need to actively be taking steps towards that life I envision for myself. I don’t have the luxury to write and practice and do what I want each day. I have to work for a living and that takes it’s toll on everything else. 8 hours a day, 5 days a week, my time is taken from me. I feel grateful to have a job and one I can enjoy but it’s still not my time to do what I want to do. And so, I feel really precious about the time and energy I have to spare. I want to use it to elevate my life and ensure that one day I can say I don’t need the full time job working for someone else. I can work on my passions and feel comfortable because I make a living my way for me and my family.

There’s so much pressure out there to succeed and have a certain lifestyle. I’m slowly beginning to discern what are my actual goals and aspirations versus what society and social media makes me think I want. I don’t want or need to travel everywhere. The actual travelling part is awful for me (hate flying, get scared of what I will eat, don’t sleep well, worry about filling the time, money restraints); it’s not for me. Not being gym fit and athletically strong. I don’t like the environment of the gym and am happier working out in my own space. I don’t need the flashy car or the house filled with random stuff I don’t need. I just want peace. Simple pleasures. A nice cosy home in a safe area with green space, good people, good food, good books and a space to write! As someone who’s felt stressed and anxious for most of my life, I am crying out for peace of mind.

What peace means is personal to each of us but that’s what I want. I don’t need to be a millionaire, but I do want to make a comfortable living from my stories. I want to have the free time and energy to train as a yoga teacher. I want to be able to see the world, in my own time, at my own pace. And I want to feel healthy in mind body and spirit. To be surrounded by good people who lift me up, not tear me down.

This is all to say that I feel pressure. I find it hard to sit still and do nothing. I worry about the ticking clock. And that’s why I wanted a productive summer full of progress. Why I haven’t listened to 2022 Siana who felt the need to slow down and go inward. Why I still feel called to slow down now for autumn.

With summer coming to an end, and going into the next season and the end of 2023, I am reminded of a few things. That it’s good to have goals and ambitions, but not at the expense of ourselves. It’s important to work hard but also to rest and play. That fighting for the future is pointless if you miss the present moment. Right now, my life is good. I needn’t keep working myself to the bone for a life that will come in the right time later. I have to trust that I’m doing the right things and that my dreams will come true later.

I am a writer. I write. I read regularly. I do yoga nearly every day. I walk a lot. I have dinner with my family each week. I spend quality time with my husband. I have a job. I have a home. I have a lovely doggy! I know how to own my mistakes and say I’m sorry. I know how to express my feelings. I know when to fight for myself. I cook good meals. I can run for at least 10km. I have clothes that make me feel pretty. I have friends. I have passions. I have opinions. I am educated.

Wow, how incredible is that? Past selves would be astonished. I once dreamed of these things.

So why freak out? Why rush? Why panic? Why miss this stage of my life trying to sprint to the next? There’s so many hurdles and obstacles to come with the life I dream of living so I need to enjoy the comfort and joy that comes with being right here. Like a character in a story or a game, I can’t level up and grow without learning the lessons at this stage first.

Trust that.

It’s okay to surrender. It’s okay to breathe. It’s okay to rest.

I invite you to reflect on your summer and your plans and where you’re at right now in life. Maybe you don’t need to panic as much as you think you do. I hope that’s the case.

(Please don’t compare your life to mine. There’s enough of that toxicity out there and it’s not needed!)

Sending you love.

Sincerely,

S. xx