Fear No More..

I spent two weeks in Florida with the same family that I would spend weeks with in Ohio. They've relocated and have started a new life in the sunshine state. They've rented a lovely home with an in ground pool. The community is surrounded by walking trails. I saw a family otters crossing the road, headed towards a lake, beautiful birds and blooming magnolia trees with limbs low enough for me to get up close and personal with the soft, white petals.

My cousin and I took daily four mile walks and during those walks, the hours that followed and the evenings that closed the day - I felt the stress, worry and fear I'd been experiencing over the past few months begin to slip away. Which is what should happen when you're on vacation.

I checked my blood pressure every day and it was perfect. My vertigo subisded and for the first time in a long time I could take a deep breath and the air didn't feel like a rock in my chest.
I've long suspected that New York was making me sick. That my house was making me ill and perhaps God had set things in motion to move me out and along towards something new...

Now I've hinted here and there about the situation with my house...how I'm fighting to keep it. I won't say that I've loss the battle or that I don't have anymore fight left in me -- I will say that I nolonger have a desire to fight. I don't know if this house is worth the energy - the stress - the sleepless nights - the pack a day nicotine habit.




I love my home - I do! It's a old and filled with ghosts and memories - memories that were here when I arrived and memories I've created while living here. It tore me to pieces when two years ago it became clear that I mightt not be able to remain here. And worse yet -- what would I do with all of the stuff I'd collected in the decade I'd been here?

I was inconsolable!

But now I feel different about the situation. I needed those two years to get used to the idea of change and the very thing that I once feared, I now welcome with open arms.
Maybe I'm just tired - or getting to the age in life when you just don't give a shit anymore.  Or maybe I'm really embracing the: Don't sweat the small stuff adage that I've heard a million times during my life.

Right now pure happiness for me would be to be free of responsibility and know that wherever I am - I am home...even if that is on a couch a my sisters house or in a guest bedroom at my cousins house.
Happiness for me would be to pack a suitcase and roam around the world for a few months  - afterall I can work from anywhere!

Coming to terms with ones situation and seeing the upside instead of the darkside is a wonderful, fantastic thing!

I feel like a bird....free to fly wherever I chose to go...

Stay tuned.......








Bernice L. McFadden