The Dreaded Colonoscopy (1)

We are at our best when we give the doctor who resides within each patient a chance to go to work. ~Albert Schweitzer, Alsatian writer, humanitarian, physician, and more

Today I’m going to talk about poop.

If you’re eating breakfast, or naturally queasy in the morning, may I suggest you come back and read later?

Okay.

As you’re probably aware, my mom was diagnosed with cancer — specifically colon cancer — back in December.

Just last year, I’d had the Cologuard(R) test, where you basically deposit your sample in a Cool Whip container, then ship it off to a lab. Results arrive shortly thereafter, and thankfully, mine were negative.

So I figured I was off the hook for further testing.

I mean, my doctor judged me to be at average risk, and a noninvasive test sounds way better than the alternative, right?

Not so fast, Grasshopper, cautioned my mom’s doctor. Since we now have a direct family member with cancer diagnosed, my sister and I were strongly encouraged to have at least a baseline colonoscopy.

To rule out anything untoward.

Sis and I talked about going together — misery loves company and all — but I scheduled mine, and she opted to “wait and see how yours goes.”

Whatever.

I’m the firstborn; I’m used to being the guinea pig.

So I traveled to Rochester, MN, to Mayo Clinic, for the procedure, promising myself that, while there, I’d inquire into the persistent unexplained diarrhea I’d been having for months.

Yes, months. Gross. But I’d seen a doctor here and was told I had an overgrowth of “bad bacteria.” The recommendation? Take probiotics and increase my fiber consumption.

That only made things worse. And when you consider the caregiver stress I was under from dealing with my mom, well, I was a mess.

And understandably afraid.

However, I knew the Mayo experts would run the proper tests and put me back on the right track.

And they sure ran a lot of tests: for H. Pylori infection in the stomach, for SIBO (small intestinal bacterial overgrowth), and for celiac disease (gluten intolerance). Tests for Crohn’s Disease and Ulcerative Colitis, too.

Some involved simple blood draws; for others, I had to swallow nasty-tasting liquids, then blow into a bag.

All the while, I was fasting. And hungry.

And I hadn’t even gotten to the colonoscopy part yet.

Now, everybody will tell you the prep is the worst part of a colonoscopy.

They’re not wrong.

I had to mix seven capfuls of Miralax into a 32 oz. Gatorade bottle TWO times, drinking the first batch the night before the procedure (along with downing two Dulcolax stool softeners) and the second, the morning of.

Nasty and salty. Especially on an empty stomach.

Then you poop it all out. By the time you’re clean, you’re passing mostly light yellow-colored water.

Just what a person with diarrhea wants to see, right?

Say, this is getting long. Come back tomorrow for “the rest of the story.”

Note: Comments are closed on this portion, but the Like button is enabled. I hope you’ll comment when I’m finished with my tale!