The Secret to Dealing with Assholes: A Guide by Jackson Murphy

I know many
of you (okay most of you) have no idea who Jack is, but he’s very much a part
of my personality. Actually, a lot of my characters have a little of me in
them. As it should be, right? Yes, even the baddies. So, today I let Jackson
Murphy write a post, and boy, he is one opinionated bastard. Enjoy.



My name is
Jackson Murphy, but my friends call me Jack. No, I didn’t say you could call me
Jack. Mr. Murphy will do just fine. Since 99 percent of the population is
either a dick or an asshole, odds are few of you would be worth my time anyway.
Don’t get your panties in a bunch, there’s nothing you can do about what you
are. Problem is all you dipshits out there tend to fuck everything up for those
of us who have a shot at having anything worthwhile in life. That’s why the 1
percent of us who aren’t jackoffs, need to know how to deal with your shit.





Today is
your lucky day. I’ve learned that the secret to dealing with assholes lies in
accepting a few truths about people in general. Once you accept them, remember
them, and then the idiots can’t screw you over because you’ll be ready for
their stupidity. If they do manage to mess up your shit, you’ve got one option.
Kill them.





Truth #1: There’s straight, gay and just plain greedy.





I think people
care way too much about who everyone else is fucking. The truth is, if you’re
getting decent sex, you won’t care who Joe Dick next door is doing. Problem
with that is in order to have decent sex you gotta know what you’re doing. Think
on that for a minute. I don’t give a rat’s ass who you’re nailing. Gays and
lesbians are fine people. I’m sure a few of them are even likable, but I’d
rather not find out. I got my own problems without worrying about my drinking
buddy eyeballing my asshole. Still, I have no problem with homosexuality. They
stay on their side of the fence, I stay on mine. No problems. Hell, if they’re
masochistic enough to want to get married, why shouldn’t we let them experience
the same hell we straight folks live in every day? My problem is with you
bisexual fucks. Greedy much? It doesn’t matter if you’re gay or straight, but
you’ve gotta pick a team; otherwise you’re just a greedy little bitch.





Truth #2: Women are good for fucking and cooking.






If they’re
not good at doing at least one of these things, then you’re asking for trouble
if you keep them around. Case in point: Jenny, my wife, stopped fucking me and
never cooked more than instant oatmeal. I kept her around and what happened? A
lot of dead people, that’s what happened.





Truth #3: People who own dogs that fit in their
purse and do nothing but yap should all be shot.





You can learn all you need to know about a person about the pets they keep. Actually, anyone who wastes their time on those smelly shit machines is borderline retarded. I don’t
think I need to back up that statement. It’s a fact. Deal with it.





Truth #4: The better you do, the more people
want what you’ve got.





The success
of a man directly correlates with the number of enemies he has. The number of
people you can trust drops for every dollar you earn. So, if you want to be
successful, you need to stop caring about other people. That gives you more time
to make money anyway. There are very few people in your life, male or female, friend
or family, who are actually useful. They’re dead weight. Get rid of them.





Truth #5: Women without mothers are the only
women worth your time.





Trust me on
this one. A mother-in-law will fuck you in every way possible. Then she’ll get herself
shot in your kitchen.




Truth #6: Women are a law unto themselves and
there is fuck all anyone can do about it.






Men
constantly underestimate women, and that’s what leaves you flat broke and
balding, alone in some cockroach infested hell. Come on, women screw each
other, and we think it’s hot. Would they get all wet if you gave your golf
buddy a hummer? I think not. They pitch a tantrum, we think it’s cute. A man
pitches a tantrum and we’re labeled “abusive.” They lose their shit and we are
pissing our pants trying to make things right. We lose our shit, they call the
cops. They can take half of what we’ve earned, and we still marry them. Who’s
stupid now? Exactly. Women are always looking at the big picture, waiting for
the opportunity to fuck whoever is in the way of them getting what they want. And
I’m not talking about fucking in a good way either.





Truth #7: With the right motivation, humans are
capable of miracles.





I’ve risen
from the dead, so I know this is true. How much more miraculous can a guy get?
Motivation is the most powerful tool we have at our disposal, but too many of
us don’t bother with it. What do you want? Why do you want it? What will you do
to get it? If you don’t have motivation, you don’t have shit and you never
will.





I’d thank
Renee for letting me post as a guest on her blog, but I’m doing her the favor,
so she can kiss my ass. She’s lucky to know a man like Jackson Murphy, and she
knows it. Some day she might get smart and listen to my advice, or perhaps she
already has.