“Just what I had in mind. Everything dead on Earth, except us. A chance for Mother Nature to start again.”

“I wish that mattered, Janet.” Starred review in Publisher’s Weekly,...

“Just what I had in mind. Everything dead on Earth, except us. A chance for Mother Nature to start again.”

More fool me, I guess.

I went in to this full of kindness and forgiveness in my heart.

I was prepared to embrace this movie like a loving father welcoming back the wayward prodigal. Of course this movie isn’t as bad as everyone says. Of course it’s really a delightfully camp romp. Of course the backlash was just a combination of toxic fanboy insecurity and subtle and not so subtle homophobia.

And this fucking movie turned and sank its fangs into me like a snake in a parable.

Yup. I was wrong. I dunno what I was thinking.

Conventional wisdom is always right and independant thoughts are weird and stupid.

Batman and Robin really is that goddamn bad.

I know, I know. Great to be back here on Planet Sensible. I don’t know why I ever fooled myself into thinking that this movie was So Bad it’s Good rather than regular old So Bad it’s Actually Bad. But rest assured, this is no Rocky Horror Picture Show. This movie is not fun, and it’s not even camp. It’s a grindingly cynical and mechanical attempt to be fun and camp and it fails utterly.

As I write these words, the brave men and women of the Writer’s Guild of America are on strike to save Hollywood from itself. But the dangers of studios outsourcing writing to Generative AI is a lot older than we think. Oh yes, children. The algorithim has always been with us. We just called him Akiva Goldsman.

Goldsman’s niche as a writer is crafting exactly the kind of scripts that execs want to see. You want a star vehicle for Will Smith or Russell Crowe with a solid three act structure, romantic B-plot, All Is Lost Moment and a climax within two hours or less he will give you that. He’s good at the “bones” of writing screenplays, the actual structure. Which, to be fair, is something that many writers struggle with, myself included. But, as anyone who’s messed around with Chat GTP an attest, humour is beyond the algorithim. This is a problem, because Batman and Robin is ostensibly a pure comedy, the first in this series to which that label applies (not counting sixties Batman obviously). And unfortunately, it’s the least funny of all of them.

There are a LOT of problems with this film, and, any one them would probably be enough to ruin it. But the biggest and smelliest turd in the trifle is the script. Goldsman was apparently operating on the principle that quantity has a quality of its own, and just about every second line has some kind of pun, quip or smug half-joke. It’s like Whedon, except NONE of the jokes land.

It’s amazing how much worse this is than Batman Forever. Amazing because they are the same damn film.

Seriously, once you notice it, it’s breathtakingly brazen.

The movie begins with a suiting up sequence in the Batcave, a portentous reveal of a new Batmobile undercut by a sassy quip from Alfred and then Batman driving off to a crime scene that’s already in progress. Commissioner Gordon exposits that an already existing supervillain and his henchmen have taken over a Gotham landmark. Batman fights some mooks, the villain escapes by air, Batman follows but is unable to stop him escaping amidst a massive explosion. Which movie am I describing? Batman Forever or Batman and Robin?

Oh, and it does not stop there. All the Edward Nygma/Riddler scenes are now Pamela Isley/Poison Ivy scenes. Is she a weird sweaty obsessive loner who undergoes a scientific accident, takes on a new green-themed personality, kills her boss, becomes a Gotham cause célebre, allies with another supervillain, has a big Take Over the World machine and has her final scene as a psychologically destroyed wreck in Arkham Asylum? I think she bloody is!

The biggest victims in this blatant recycling are the dynamic duo themselves. In Forever, both Batman and Robin had complete arcs. Batman is no longer driven by the trauma of his parents’ deaths and has committed to being Batman because that’s what he wants to do. Dick Grayson has learns to move past his desire for revenge and find purpose as Robin. So where do they go from here? Tons of places! If you’re not just recycling the same plot from last time! But you are! So…I dunno! Maybe they just jog in place until the climax?

Batman at leasts gets something to do with the Alfred B-plot. Alfred, you see, is dying, of the same disease that afflicted Mr. Freeze’s wife so we get some scenes filling out their history together. But Robin? The supposed second lead in this thing has nothing to do other than bitch and complain about Batman not treating him like a real partner which is annoying from the off and gets even worse when Poison Ivy uses her pheromones to turn them against each other in a love triangle.

Yeah, I know it’s comics accurate, it still sucks.

That’s because Robin’s place in the story is now taken by Barbara ~~Gordon~~ Wilson, Alfred’s niece who’s visiting from England. So she gets to be uncomfortable with the wealth and privilege of life in Wayne Manor (which made plenty of sense for a former circus kid, less so for the student of a posh English boarding school). She gets the joyride scene, the being rescued from street thugs scene and the discovering the Batcave scene.

There is one change between the two films, or rather a shift of emphasis. Whereas Riddler was very much the main villain of Forever, Batman and Robin gives a lot more time to its Two-Face Analogue; Mr. Freeze. Freeze has had a very interesting trajectory as a character. Originally called “Mr. Zero” (cooler name if I’m honest, and no, that wasn’t a pun) he was just one of a million gimmicky cold-themed comic book villains that have existed since the birth of the genre. Then Batman the Animated Series got their hands on him.

Heart of Ice reimagined Freeze as a devoted husband trying to restore his beloved comatose wife Norah while battling a condition that will kill him if his body is ever so much as room temperature. And this one appearance was so instantly iconic that it became the status quo for the character in every iteration since. But it also makes Freeze something of an awkward fit for Batman’s regular rogues gallery. He’s not insane. He’s not motivated by greed or malice. There are plenty of Batman foes who are somewhat sympathetic, but Freeze kinda shoots the moon on that. When he shows up, your first thought might well be:

Batman and Robin incorporates the brooding widower with the literally fridged wife from the animated series pretty faithfully, but also tries to keep Freeze as a cackling super-villain spouting ice-themed puns in practically every line of dialogue.

It’s about as schizophrenic an approach to the character as could be imagined. And I don’t want to dunk on Ahnold too hard, I think he’s a better actor than he’s often given credit for, but Daniel Day Lewis couldn’t make this work.

Oh, and lest we forget, we also get ANOTHER iconic Batman villain.

Yes, Bane, the man who broke the bat, here acting as Poison Ivy’s henchman and treated with all the gravity and dignity of a Power Rangers villain.

Why haven’t I spent anytime on the plot? Because I already covered it in the last Batman review and, unlike Akiva Goldsman, I do not like to repeat myself. Poison Ivy convinces Freeze that Batman killed his wife even though it was actually she who pulled her plug. So Freeze decides to him the entire city in revenge.

Sing along if you know the words:

The two villains team up to use a magical science MacGuffin to take over/destroy the world.

Batman and his latest sidekick race to stop them in a brand new range of vehicles available at your nearest Toys R Us, you know what to do kids.

This time, Mr Freeze is using the Gotham Observatory by turning its telescope into a giant freeze ray. Batman and the Batettes are able to undo his flash-freezing of the city by re-directing all of Wayne Industries satellites to reflect sunlight to melt the ice and also heal everyone’s lethal frost-bite through the magic of friendship. This also includes the single funniest line of dialogue in the whole thing.

BATMAN: Satellites could be re-positioned to thaw the city but that would take a computer genius.

ROBIN: I’m on it!

Like, sure. I bet Haly’s Circus had a hell of a coding module.

Anyway, Batman proves to Freeze that it was actually Ivy that tried to kill his wife but that he and Robin were able to save her. Well, Batman saved her while Robin was really quiet and played with his crayons. Freeze is all “oh God this is embarrassing” and as an apology gift, gives Bruce the cure to Alfred’s disease.

Alfred’s life is saved and the movie ends with Batgirl joining the team officially and Alfred noting “we’re going to need a bigger cave”.

What are you talking about? There’s tons of room.

***

If Batman Forever was a flawed but weirdly brilliant alchemical mixture of the dark and ditzy aspects that make Batman work, then Batman Forever is a cynical attempt to reverse engineer the recipe and mass produce the result. And it’s awful.

The Dark Knight Detective

Billionaire playboy philanthropist George Clooney as Bruce Wayne SOUNDS like perfect casting. And, since Clooney’s career (somehow!) survived this shitshow and he went on to become king of the A-list it seems even more baffling that this didn’t work. But it didn’t. Clooney as Batman is approaching Robert Lowery levels of anonymity in the Batsuit, zero presence, and doesn’t seem to be doing anything to differentiate Bruce Wayne from Batman vocally. And his Bruce Wayne seems embarrassed. Shrugged shoulders, perpetually bowed head. Is a little decent posture from the Prince of Gotham too much to ask?

The Boy Wonder

Calling a grown ass man a brat seems weird but there’s no other way to describe Robin in this. I stand by my previous statements that O’Donnell was a damn good Robin in Forever but, no, I can’t defend this. This Robin is fucking insufferable.

His Faithful Manservant

Michael Gough’s scenes in this are like little islands of a better movie in a sea of crap.

The Dominoed Daredoll

Given all the bullshit Alicia Silverstone had to put up with I wish I could say that the first big screen Batgirl was a triumph. Oh shit. I’ve just realised she was also the LAST big screen Batgirl.

Trouble between the dynamic duo! Is SHE the cause?

Uma Thurman can act. I know she can act. I’ve seen it with my own eyes. But this may be one of the worst performance by a great actor I’ve ever seen. Broad, schticky and yet somehow also lifeless and tired with a weird “Southern Belle” affect that comes and goes with the passing of the seasons.

A cunning mind had devised a fantastic method to utilise cold for crime

“Look, it doesn’t matter who we cast as the bad guy. Just get me the biggest star in Hollywood.”

“You mean, literally the biggest?”

“What else could I possibly mean?”

Instead, I will simply BREAK YOU!

When Poison Ivy straight up admits in dialogue that Bane is in the movie to sell toys…I won’t lie. That broke me.

The Comish

Last appearance of Pat Hingle’s Commissioner Gordon, along with Michael Gough one of only two actors to last the full four movie run. Unlike Gough, his dignity did not survive.

Our Plucky Sidekicks

God bless John Glover, playing this movie’s version of Jason Woodrue, the Floronic Man, for understanding the kind of movie this is supposed to be.

Elle MacPhearson plays Julie Madison, Bruce Wayne’s last love interest in this continuity and one the movie can barely even pretend to be remotely interested in.

I was going to give kudos to Doug Hutchinson for a small but extremely memorable turn as a Gang Leader.

He’s incredibly creepy and unsettling. I thought that was just good acting. Then I googled the guy.

MOVING ON.

Batman NEVER kills, except:

Batman doesn’t kill in this movie but he hardly gets credit for that. This is now a universe where people can be frozen solid and survive. I don’t think death even exists here any more.

Where does he get those wonderful toys?:

Befitting a movie that’s basically given up on being anything other than a glorified toy commercial, Batman gets a LOT of new toys this go round. As well as the Bat Heater, we get a trio of new ice-themed vehicles, the Bat-Hammer, Bat-Skiff and Batgirl’s Bat-Cycle, not to be confused with Robin’s Red Bird. They all look like giant glowing toys.

It’s the car, right? Chicks dig the car:

If you can get past the glowing neon-blue panels and the swirling disco ball on the front, there is actually a very handsome, classic looking Batmobile here. But you CAN’T get past the glowing neon-blue panels and the swirling disco ball. Nor should you. Who the FUCK designed this?