How long should we hold a grudge?
The1982 movie “Diner” is essentially about old high school friends who return toBaltimore for a friend’s wedding. In one scene that takes place outside of amovie theater, the character Billy Howard (played by Tim Daly) breaks from hisfriends, walks over to the line and punches someone in the mouth, ostensibly tosettle a score based on some long-ago infraction committed when they were inhigh school. Apparently, Billy had to wait for the right moment to even thingsup.
When I saw the movie back then, Billy’s punch got agood laugh from the audience, and then the action (such as it was) of the moviemoved on. No further mention was made that I recall of the grudge or Billy’spunch.
But Billy’s long-delayed punch raises the questionof how long we should hold a grudge, and a follow-up question of whetherpunching someone is ever an acceptable way to settle old grievances.
It’s common for people to feel slighted or aggrievedby someone else’s actions. A family member may continue to needle you about anembarrassing childhood incident you would sooner everyone forgot. A classmatewho promised you his notes from a class you had to miss never came through. Acolleague at work takes a bit too much credit for a project you eachcontributed to equally. A boss regularly fails to acknowledge you at companymeetings. Your neighbor never returned a post hole digger he borrowed fiveyears ago.
If any such issues aren’t addressed at the time,they have a way of festering and turning into something that might feel fargraver than the initial incident.
Is it wrong to hold a grudge? Not really I suppose,but it seems far healthier to learn from such incidents and decide whether torely on that same classmate again or whether the boss’ inattention at meetingsgets in the way of you doing your job and proceeding on whatever career pathyou’ve set your sights upon. With the needling family member, a better responsemight be to simply take him aside and ask him to knock it off.
But is there anything inherently unethical aboutholding a grudge if it is based on something that truly bothers you? I don’tbelieve so.
Now, to the second part of the question: Is it everOK to punch a guy waiting in line for a movie to even an old score? Assaultingsomeone in response to an old grudge seems disproportionate and wrong.
Granted, not doing so means that guy in line mightalways believe he got away with treating you badly (if he remembers you atall), but self-defense can’t be claimed by punching someone in the face whenthey least expect it.
In considering whether to settle an old score, theright thing is either to consider how to do so in a way that is proportionateto the original action, or to not let the incident fester by addressing it soonafter it occurs.
Or just chalk it up to some people not recognizinghow even the smallest of actions can be disappointing or hurtful and try to letit go.
JeffreyL. Seglin, author of "The Simple Art of Business Etiquette: How to Rise tothe Top by Playing Nice," is a senior lecturer in public policy, emeritus,at Harvard's Kennedy School. He is also the administrator of www.jeffreyseglin.com, a blog focusedon ethical issues.
Do you have ethical questions that you need to have answered? Send them to jeffreyseglin@gmail.com.
Follow him on Twitter @jseglin
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