Weird stuff in the in-basket

If you have an e-mail account, chances are weird stuff shows up in your in-basket unless you paid somebody $10000000 to install blockers from multiple companies to make sure weird stuff doesn’t get delivered.

One scam is an e-mail from somebody you’ve never heard that has the word “confirmation” in the header. I never open these because I know it’s somebody trolling for customers by making me think I already ordered something from them.Then there’s the header that says “Did we do something wrong?” These come from companies I may or may not have ordered from, but haven’t bought anything recently. Half of them come from people I’ve never heard of. These also go in the trash.Then there are the astrologers and Tarot readers who send me messages like, “I’ve been thinking about you lately because the universe has a message for you. See my free reading to see what it is.” I click on some of these things out of curiosity. The readings generally tell me I’m all-powerful, have high energy levels, and am destined to do great things. All I have to do is pay $29 a month to learn how to unlock my potential. Occasionally, I respond by asking, “If I’m all-powerful, wouldn’t my power show me what to do?” They say that most people just need a little help like jump-starting a car. Ah, so that’s how it works. It’s time to select the “unsubscribe” option.Malcolm, we heard from girls on the street that the little blue pill is no longer doing its job to fix your ED problem. I don’t respond to these because I don’t consort with “girls on the street” and I I did, I’d have to get my wife’s permission. That’s not happening. If I did respond, I’d say, “Sister Fortune already sold me I’m all-powerful, so that means that I don’t have an ED problem.”Malcolm, according to our records you’re trying to make a go of it by being a writer. If what doesn’t work, we’d like to enroll you in our fast-track grave digger’s course. Lots of people are kicking the bucket these days, and you can earn good money getting rid of the bodies. Free shovels to the first 100 people who ask about our program. I respond, “The object in the picture is not a shovel. If you think it is, you can’t help me.” I don’t hear back from them after that.Dear Mr. Campbell, did you write the article entitled “Telling the Difference Between a Spade and a Shovel”?  Seriously, I get a lot of inquiries like this because I’m a writer. Most of these are legit,  but not as much fun as those e-mails that are scams.

–Malcolm

Malcolm R. Campbell is the author of satire, magical realism, paranormal, and contemporary fantasy novels and short stories.