ZooTown #5
I nodded (which didn't matter, of course, because he wasn't looking at me), and left for my bedroom without saying another word. I'd been dismissed for the night, and I knew he'd have no more to say.
Believe it or not, Father, I actually did go and do my devotions that night. I did my devotions every night, and I’d do them every night, even if Dad didn't nag.
Must sound weird, huh? With me and Dad not getting along, him and me not seeing eye to eye on Halloween and rock and roll and monster movies and such. Thing is, even though I don't agree with Dad on lots of things, I do believe in God. I do believe lots of things in the Bible are true and probably happened, though maybe not in the way Dad and folks like him see it.
Also, it seems like lots of stuff in the Bible is more like advice than rules. When I read the Bible (even though I'm reading from the same King James translation Dad reads from) I get a much different message than the one Dad gets. I'm not saying I'm smarter than him by any means, or that I know more about what's in the Bible and all. He majored in Religion in college, then went to seminary after that. So he's studied the Bible way more than me, to be completely honest.
But he only seems to focus on some of it, Father. Mostly the 'shall not' stuff, and the wages of sin, and what's ungodly and Satanic, and how we should be able to tell what that is, and all. I mean, I'm not going to lie, I see a lot of that stuff in the Bible too. But right alongside that, I see verses about faith and hope and love and forgiveness and God quieting the storm in our hearts, and making provision for us in times of hardship.
Dad likes to warn of hardship coming, of course. Mostly, hardship coming if we don't abide by the 'truth of His word.' The whole wages of sin thing, again. He also likes to harp a whole lot about the 'sins of the father visited on the sons.' You know, if a man is enduring hardship in his life, it's probably all his dad's fault, for some sin his dad did and never confessed.
Thing is, he hardly ever talks about God making provision for us in that hardship - which I see in the Bible plenty - and he hardly ever talks about a 'peace that passeth understanding' in the 'midst of life's storms.' He always warns that these storms should convict us of the sins we haven't confessed, and that our only hope is to 'throw ourselves on the mercy of the Lord.'
Father, you ever hear that saying: 'sinners in the hands of an angry God,' by John Calvin?
Yeah, that's my Dad, through and through.
Of course, I don't bother asking him questions about stuff. Or about anything else that doesn't fit into his little box of beliefs. Not anymore. Like how there's so many rules about righteous men living pure and holy, but it seems like a lot of these Bible guys can go hit up a harlot along their journeys if they feel like it, and nothing bad'll happen to them, but if a woman gets caught as a harlot; BOOM, not waiting for her. She gets stoned, right quick. Or other questions, like how it seems part of the Bible's totally okay with slavery and stuff.
I get why some of those questions get under Dad's collar, I guess. If I’m being totally honest, I probably ask them more to rile him up than anything else.
But some of the questions I'm actually interested in asking, because I've worked them over and over in my mind, and I can’t figure them. Like, for example: The Bible says after Cain killed Abel, he wandered for years into the Land of Nod, then eventually met some woman and had kids with her.
I've always wondered: if Adam and Eve were the only people, and they had only two kids, Cain and Abel, who ‘d Cain marry? A Sunday School teacher once tried to explain to me that with everyone's really long lives back then, somehow Adam and Eve had a ton more kids who then had more kids, who then had kids of their own, all while Cain was wandering, and then by the time he settled in Nod whole generations of humans had been born and spread, and he married one of them.
Course, it doesn't really SAY that anywhere in the Bible. Not in any Bible I ever read, anyway. That’s just the way my Sunday School teacher tried to explain it to me once, and boy was she unhappy when I told her I’d never seen anything like that in the Bible. Dad’s not the only Christian who doesn’t like questions, I guess.
My favorite theory is that maybe Cain married someone who wasn't exactly human, then the kids they had weren't exactly human, either. You ever read that old epic poem Beowulf, Father? The thing about that story I find the most interesting is the bit about how Grendel descended from Cain, 'the father of all monsters.' And it sorta makes sense, too, right? According to the Bible, he was the first murderer and all.
But see, that's the biggest reason why Dad and I don't get along. I look at something like that, some question the Bible can't answer completely, and then I wonder about stuff like that bit from Beowulf. This stuff interests me, Father. I like turning stuff over in my head. Even if my answer isn’t even close to the truth, (but c’mon, who knows that, really?) it's fun turning that stuff over.
Not Dad, though. He justs call all that ‘blasphemy’ and 'defaming the word of God with idle thinking.' According to him, I have to believe every single word of the Bible, whether it make any sense or not.
Sorry about all, that Father. Didn't mean any disrespect or anything, and I didn't mean to get rambling. I just don't want you to think that I'm one of those PK's - pastor's kids - who doesn’t believe in God ‘cause he doesn't get along with his Dad. It’s more complicated than that, I guess.
That’s another thing. I could act like a lot of the PK's I’ve met at Bible camps over the years. Kids who had their act down perfect, obeyed every word their parents said, pretended to toe the line...but they didn't believe a word of it. Thought the whole game was horseshit, and soon as they left home and went to college, they stopped pretending and went wild.
Me, I believe it all. Mostly, anyway. And, I read my Bible because it interests me. I like turn that stuff over, but because I dare ask questions, Dad treats me like I've already gone wild and run off to God knows were.
You know what bothers me the most, Father? I keep coming back to the 'sins of the Father are visited upon the son' thing, and how Dad always likes to blame times of hardship on a father's sins. My mom was killed when I was five. Dad and I hardly speak. I'd call that a little bit of hardship, wouldn't you? So sometimes I wonder if Dad acts like I'm a lost cause, because his sins - whatever they were - have been visited upon me, and because of that, I'm screwed.
Of course, before this week, I had no idea what those sins were. Now, however?
I think I know, Father. I think I know.
