Killing You – Because You’re an Ass

During your life you’re bound to have people who don’t like you or annoy you. Even I have people I don’t get on with, as hard as that is to believe. And for most people they have to either put up with it and pretend they don’t make you want to claw your own ears off, or you punch them in the face repeatedly until they stop. Neither of those things are all that productive long term.

Writers have another method. A better method. We kill them.

Now, I’m not suggesting that there are legions of writers roaming the streets, murdering those who have annoyed them, like some sort of real life Sinister Six.

Besides, everyone would argue over who doesn't have to be the Vulture. Because he's awful. Really, really awful. The power to fly and be really old. Clearly you should fear him.

Writers have a much more subtle, and legal, way of dealing with those annoying people we have to put up with. We write them into our stories and kill them off with the written word, making their deaths or torturous existence something akin to therapy.

Now, yes, you can’t always use their real name or description, but you can use just enough so that not only do you, the writer, know, but that if that person read it they might… suspect.

Of course you don’t just have to write about people you have to put up with every day, an annoying work colleague or a neighbour who drives you nuts, you can write about the ass who cut you up in traffic, or the rude lady who didn’t say thank you for opening the door for her. It’s basically a way to get some measure of karmic satisfaction for yourself without the need to actually do anything that might end up with you in court pleading insanity.

'Because they were an asshole', is not the most well thought out defence.

So, if you’re a writer, the next time someone pisses you off, just know that you can get your revenge in a totally satisfying way that doesn’t get you into trouble. And if you’re not a writer, just remember this: Next time you piss off someone who is, don’t be too surprised if one day you read a book and there’s someone in it who sounds a lot like you. And they die in a horrible fashion.

Or you could save everyone some time and just not be an ass. But then if you did that, writers would need to invent a whole lot of new cannon fodder. So, in a way, thank you for be assholes. Just try to not do it so often. We can only kill you so many times before it gets dull.

For those of you who aren’t aware my début novel, Crimes Against Magic, launches on Monday. If you haven’t already read the prologue and first two chapters you can go: here, here and here.

I’ll be posting again on Monday to give the links to where the book will be available. So head back here then to get the info on where to pick up a copy. Or you could click on the follow button next to this post, and then you’ll get an e-mail when that happens.