Some Of The Jokes I Have Written Down Over The Years

Recently, I went into one of those discount massage parlors. It turned out to be self serve! Then I met this hooker on a street corner. She told me she had a headache! If it wasn't for the guy who just pick-pocketed me, I'd have no sex life at all! I blame it all on my upbringing when I was a child. When I took my first step, my Dad tripped me! When I was born, the doctor slapped my Mom! 
I think I was still a virgin at the age of thirty-three, when I was making love to this girl I was dating. She started crying so I asked,
"Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?" She said, "No, I hate myself now!" One night I thought I was going to get really lucky. I had these two beautiful women in my car and they both scream at the same time,
"Stop here!" Right next to the International House of Pancakes was a Motel 6. We went inside, and I had to pay for two "Rooty Tooty Fresh N Fruity" meals! Then I started dating this girl who was half-black. She dumped me because she said I was prejudiced. In a sweet passionate moment, I called her half-white! When I got married, I asked my wife if I could give her a goodnight kiss on her cheek. She bent over! I did meet a famous politician once. I met the Surgeon General and he offered me a cigarette! Still, I believe, in this World, every person has a soul mate. And if I ever find mine, my wife will kill her! People say I look a lot younger than I really am. That's because I act so immature!
This is,
Those Last Two Jokes I Wrote Myself
Jim Hauenstein
And

“Whenever I feel the need to exercise, I lie down until it goes away.”
- Paul Terry -
That is my story and I am sticking to it!
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