TMS

Depending on whose research you read, 60-98% of patients go into remission. 60% is like better than 50/50 I’ll be off my anti-depressant. So here I am, 15 treatments into the 36 research says is required.

If you’re depressed, one of the worst parts of this treatment is leaving your comfort zone for 36 days. I get so depressed, I won’t eat. Now I have to get dressed and actually go outside.

I started abruptly. They said come in for a brain examination. I thought they would show me my brain and the areas they were planning to stimulate. They didn’t. They told me they were brain mapping. Then they said my map was done and they’d see me tomorrow.

I was so stunned they asked if I wanted to start another. I’m learning there never really is a good time. And saying I’ll do anything later or tomorrow is to keep from disturbing my unrestful depression lounging.

Are cats depressed? They sleep all the damn time. They are moody and unpredictable. They lick themselves clean instead of bathing. They are only interested in things just out of their reach. They don’t bring their lovers home… or maybe they do, cause who are they fighting in the bushes? Wait, are cats toxic is the question

Forgive my ramblings. I’ll mention this when I’m asked about my focus.

I’m here. Writing. My last draft disappeared. I just started something called jetpack so I’m not sure how to get anywhere. I was trying to add a photo when I lost my way. Now I’m afraid to even reread for editing and readability. Forgive me.

I think I was warned another day that once I started with the jetpack I can’t go back. I’m feeling regret and adventurist. I’m a little afraid.

I have a picture of a dark brain with depression versus a more vividly lit active brain without depression. When my head, jaw and is teeth are hurting… and people ask why I’m doing this to myself it’s a great illustration.

It’s after 1am. I’m manic. But don’t panic. I come from a night family. I usually can on catch my dad’s people on the A.M. they don’t sleep all day either they are just not answering phones and if you don’t live their they are nor at home. Car parked out front, so what. You can hear the TV playing. Somebody’s listening to the only radio station playing tracks worth singing

And you might hear somebody out singing the lead. Still nobody’s coming to the door no matter how hard you beat. Eyes seen peaking, you making eye contact, and if you make a move like you don’t know the tea, better be an emergency. Days are for silence and self actualizing. Days are for pressing pants for work, and washing clothes. Days are for slow cooking and blues. Days are for communication without words. Giggles at the absurd. Word. Oh word? Bet. Days are made for family skits and bonding. And disappearing in one’s self without worry for anyone else. Days are made for quiet reflection, a family history of undiagnosed depression and insomnia. Cleaning guns, bullet wounds and the law ignoring family disputes.

Mopping floors after putting on beans. Serenaded by all green. Days are for busy bodies, niggas ain’t go nobody and no hobby and not enough business to keep him busy and off our front porch. Days are for sliced watermelon wit a lil salt Days are for admitting you heard the directions and still got lost. Got lucky and found a new BBQ spot.

Days are for paperwork, work, and acting like it seems, cringing at not living your dreams.

Nights are for silence, laughter, homemade drinks, wild lies, a friendly tease, only thee familiars speaking truth, inching close to hear it too. To learn, to judge, to relate, to mourn the fools fate and remember be fooled. Fueled by old time customs and rules. Getting high as God too. Creating and breaking rules. Sultry walking, big butts admired in fitted pants, perfumes, powders, soaps and colognes. Folks shol’ put on and git down. Music barely makes a sound outside the house. But it’s a sweet kiss on the skin when you come in. Marvin Gaye or the Temptations make arguing politics with simpletons feel like progress. These youngins with they smart self, feeling they self. Feeling they self.

Nights are for being free. Is anybody up with me?