Contentment…Am I Really?

I always thought I was content. I have lived my life thinking I was content. The verse I have quoted to myself since college has been,

“But godliness with contentment is great gain,”

1 Timothy‬ ‭6‬:‭6‬ ‭ESV‬‬

But I realized this week…I’m not.

Jealousy and pride planted its ugly self deep within me and quickly resentment and discontentment started to grow.

And it grew fast. Like a weed in a rose garden, it quickly overtook the once beautiful plant. It started to choke all the joy and hope out of me until I was left feeling hopeless and negative. And for anyone who knows me, I’m Mr. Optimism.

Not Mr. Doom and Gloom. And I have hated that feeling lately.

I always tell people life is all about perspective. You can dwell on the rainstorm causing a snag in your plans, or you can see the rain as a brief shower which will cause life to grow.

But I didn’t want to listen to my own encouraging words. I wanted to listen to a new voice.

In the last few months, my perspective had shifted. If changed from focusing on the endless possibilities that God can complete to focusing on myself and the limited power my two hands hold.

My outlook had changed from rejoicing with others accolades and accomplishments to polite smiles and comments, but deep down being envious of their success.

My life had become an image of who I said I was and just that. An image. A lie. A fraud. A pretend. A mask I wore in the company of friends and family who always saw me as loyal and faithful to the nth degree.

But deep down a war was waging and instead of fighting the good fight, I switched sides and started seeing things from a different perspective. I started seeing life as unfair and the only way to change it was to let go of what I was holding onto and try to grab onto something new.

But in life new isn’t always better. Grass isn’t always greener. The pot of gold isn’t always there.

I had to recognize that something had changed inside me. And even though I saw the change, I wasn’t ready to admit it was a bad thing.

So I lingered and wallowed in the pit I dig with the shovels of discontentment and found myself not in a better position, but now in a lonelier one.

I remember driving to work past a funeral home and telling myself, “things could be worse, you could be going to a funeral.” And I tried to show myself so many people have it worse. That I am beyond blessed. And that worked for a little while, but those weeds of envy are hard to get rid of when they have a tight grip.

This week I heard of two tragedies within my circle of friends. One of my beloved friends lost their newborn child this week and one of my older, wiser friends is losing his adult child of cancer.

When I heard these heartbreaking news my pit seemed meaningless compared to their gut wrenching hardships.

Yet, I still lingered in the pit. Now I felt discontented and guilt for being miserable when there shouldn’t be a reason for my own misery.

But sunshine is hard to see when you’re focusing solely on your problems.

Luckily, I have friends who have noticed my change. They have listened to me wallow of unfairness as I would try to counter myself and spin the conversation into a positive.

I am working on my discontentment.

The other day I was praying and I basically asked God that if I’m supposed to make a change, He’s going to have to push me because I don’t know which way is up or down anymore.

God has a funny way of answering because literally within two hours I had a conversation out of the blue with someone that solidified my request.

I kinda choked up while talking as they had a strange expression. “I literally prayed two hours ago for God to show me what I’m supposed to do and here we are talking.”

I know sometimes God doesn’t answer that quickly or in that way, but I have a feeling He’s been seeing me lately be the Eric He didn’t create. That I had started to chisel myself into something new that would bring some change and fulfillment.

But He wanted me to know, His ways are higher than my ways.

So, I’m pulling up the weeds I let grow. I climbing out of the pit that I called home for the last few months. It may be a hard road ahead, but at least I know I’m heading in the direction I was created to go.

May we find the only thing that can fill our discontented void is Him. I’m trying to see that.

It’s a process. It’s a daily struggle. It’s a moment by moment decision. But I’m done with sitting in the pit alone.

Misery doesn’t love company. It loves its destructive self more than the company it sucks in. So don’t fall into that pit.

But if you do, reach out. I’m here to try and show you the pit isn’t your home.

Peace