Hoodwinked! (2005)

I won’t lie guys, that exclamation mark frickin’ terrified me. Unless a movie is a prestigey old-timey musical, an exclamation point has no place in its title. You know what other independently produced CGI movie has an exclamation point in its title?

“They worshiped the dragon who had given authority to the beast, and they worshiped the beast, saying, “Who is like the beast, and who can wage war against it?”

Fortunately, Hoodwinked! is not as bad as The Abomination and it’s not even the worst movie I’ve reviewed this year (although that is more an indictment of the year than an endorsement of the movie).

So what is Hoodwinked!?

Gah, see, this is the problem with having an exclamation point in the title. It looks like I’m screaming in panic.

“What is Hoodwinked?!”“I DUNNO!”“Aaaah!”“AAAAAAH!!”

Now Hoodwinked! was a movie that I was tangentially aware of. I’d never watched it, but I’d occasionally see it across the crowded room that is the modern animation landscape. And it would wink at me. And I would pretend I hadn’t noticed because it looked like the ugliest fucking Shrek rip-off I had ever seen and there wasn’t enough booze in the world for me to go home with it. But, like anyone who creates content on the internet for long enough, soon enough you find yourself doing things you never would have imagined doing. I watched Hoodwinked!

I have questions.

So, firstly, I don’t know if you know, but this movie is kind of a big deal. This film is sort of the Secret of Nimh of CGI movies. It was one of the very first attempts to create an independent feature length computer animated film. Like Nimh, Hoodwinked! was created in a single house by a small team, without the backing of a distributor and for a positively miniscule budget. Unlike Nimh, it looks like hot garbage. Also unlike Nimh, it was a massive success, earning its budget back tenfold and clearing the way for an avalanche of CGI films made outside of the Pixar/Disney/Dreamworks Triumvirate.

Say “Thank you Hoodwinked!”
I can’t hear you.

Why did it make so much dollah? Well some-BAHDY once told me…

Yeah, Shrek really did just create a market for crass CGI fairy tale parodies out of frickin’ nowhere. But I don’t think it’s fair to say that Hoodwinked!’s rather breathtaking success was purely due to riding Shrek’s filthy, flatulent coat-tails. Now, Hoodwinked! is no critical darling. It may have offended some of the blue noses at Rotten Tomatoes with its cocky stride and musky odours. But it does have a fairly devoted cult following and having seen it I can sort of understand why.

The movie was written by stand-up comedian Corey Edwards and it really feels like a script written by a stand-up comedian. Because in terms of structure and plot it’s a shaggy mess of a thing but, fair is fair, it is quite funny.

The movie is based on Little Red Riding Hood, perhaps the last really big name fairy tale that Disney never got around to leaving their indelible stamp on. The movie aims to update the story into a snarky irreverent laff-fest with a contemporary sensibility which was a real novel idea when Tex Avery did it in 1943.

Our story begins with Little Red Riding Hood arriving at Granny’s house only to find someone with larger eyes, ears and teeth in her bed than might be expected. Also this person is wearing a granny mask forged from pure nightmares.

Sweet Jesus.

Okay, let’s tackle the elephant in the room. The animation. It’s…yeah, it’s pretty bad. And no, not, “bad because it was made in 2005”. This is around the level of something like The Adventures of André and Wally B. from 1984. The movement’s stiff, the character designs are largely either generic or hideously ugly or both and the textures have an awful plastic quality. But…

It’s also kind of an amazing achievement? See, this animation wasn’t made by animators. Or, at least, not by animators with experience working in CGI. The animators were literally being trained in how to use the software as they were making the movie. And I gotta say, if this was my first attempt at making computer animation?

I dunno, I’d be pretty proud of that!

Okay, Red comes into Granny’s cottage, they do the whole “what big eyes/ears/teeth” rigmarole, the wolf attacks the girl, Granny bursts out of the closes bound and gagged and then the woodsman bursts through the window waving an axe.

Cut to black.

Later that night, the police have been called, led by a frog named Detective Nicky Flippers and the police chief, a bear named Ted Grizzly.

So it’s at this point that the movie reveals it’s doing a Rashomon. Each character gets interrogated by the police in turn and with each new perspective we learn more until finally we know the truth.

“I thought the point of Rashomon was that human society is a tissue of self-serving lies and deception and the search for objective truth is ultimately meaningless?”“I fell asleep after the first ten minutes.”

Before we go any further, let’s talk about that cast because holy shit. Patrick Warburton as the Wolf. Anne Hathaway as Little Red Riding Hood. Jim Belushi as the Woodsman. David Ogden Stiers as Flippers. Glen Close as Granny!? And of course, the modern Olivier, Xzibit himself, as Chief Grizzly.

No shade, he’s legitimately good in the role.

And see, I think this is what saves the movie and lifts it to the point where, while you can’t exactly say that it’s good, you can’t just dismiss it as a train-wreck either. Nothing with Patrick Warburton’s dry cool delivery will ever be unwelcome in my home.

Red is the first to tell her story. We see her in flashback, cycling through the woods delivering goodies for Granny. Now, trust me, as a seasoned veteran of cheap-as-chips animation, when you hear the music starting up and realise that the movie is going to have a song…

Which is why I am stunned to report that the songs in Hoodwinked! are…kinda good? For example, our first song, Great Big World. I mean, it’s not Sondheim or anything but it’s pleasant, it bops along, the lyrics are catchy and Anne Hathaway has just the sweetest voice.

Little Red Riding Hood meets Boingo the Bunny (Andy Dick) who’s just lost his job with the Muffin Man (you know the Muffin Man?) because his recipes were stolen by the mysterious “Goodie Bandit”. As Red continues on her way she realises that all the local bakeries and sweet shops have gone out of business. Deciding that it’s too dangerous for her to hold on to Granny’s Recipes she makes her way into the forest on a cable car driven by Boingo. She falls out of the cable car and meets the Wolf who acts real stranger-danger until she screams and runs off. Making her way through the forest she came across a shack owned by a goat named Japheth who sings our second song, Be Prepared.

They ride Japheth’s mining car to Granny’s but when the cart gets thrown into the air Red sees a vision of Granny in the sky who tells her to “use the hood” and she does, safely parachuting to the ground. She arrives at Granny’s house and it all plays out like we saw in the opening.

Now, it’s time for the wolf’s interrogation and he reveals that he’s actually an investigative reporter and that he and his assistant, a helium voiced squirrel named Twitchy, were actually searching for the Goody Bandit. The wolf has come to suspect Granny as being the Goody Bandit as she’s the only business still operating. He and Twitchy meet up with Boingo who offers to show them a short cut to Granny’s House. Despite getting lost and almost run over by Japheth’s mine carts, they reach Granny’s House before Red Riding Hood. We learn that the Granny Mask the wolf was wearing was actually official Granny merchandise that she just had laying around the house.

That does not make it better. No sir. It does not.

Little Red Riding Hood comes in and we’re all caught up.

It’s times for the Woodsman’s story and you know what, we’re going to skip it. It’s dumb and it adds nothing.

Granny’s turn now and she reveals that the reason she’s actually been living a double life as an Extreme Sports Athlete (my god that is the ultimate early 2000’s joke). While competing in a snowboarding race, another team was hired by the Good Bandit to bump her off. She escaped and parachuted home (which is how Red saw her in the sky) but she got tangled in her own parachute and locked in the closet.

Realising that none of these idiots is actually the Bandit, Flippers releases them. Red feels betrayed because Granny was always over protective of her while she was secretly out risking her life. She goes for a mopey walk to the strains of Red is Blue by Ben Folds which, again, is so much better than I was expecting for this movie.

Red stumbles across the Goody Bandit in the middle of a heist and it turns out to be Boingo the Rabbit, who’s planning on using the stolen recipes to create a fast food empire selling super-addictive goodies. She gets captured but is rescued by the wolf, Granny, Twitchy and the Woodsman who also figured out that Boingo was behind everything that happened to them. The cops arrive, Boingo is taken away to jail, we get the mandatory implied prison rape joke (okay, no, that’s the ultimate early 2000’s joke).

And the movie ends with Red, the wolf, Twitchy and Granny being recruited into Flippers’ detective agency.

“I’d like to talk to you about the Happy ever After Initiative”.

***

I think you need a kind of “school play” mindset going into this film. I’ve been to school plays where, okay sure, it’s not a professional level production but the kids are acting and singing their hearts out, they clearly worked really hard on the set and the teacher actually did some interesting things with the choreography. And when you get into the head-space of thinking “wow, they actually worked really hard on this” it can become a lot more enjoyable than many more technically competent, professional productions. And, let me remind you: This cost an estimated 8 million dollars compared to Foodfight!’s estimated $60 MILLION.

Scoring

Animation: 02/20

I’m not trying to be mean here, guys.

Leads: 11/20

Between them the female leads of this movie have ten Academy Award nominations. God damn.

Villain: 09/20

Andy Dick is a suitably wascally wabbit.

Supporting Characters: 12/20

I mean. It’s Patrick Frickin’ Warbourton and David Frickin’ Ogden Frackin’ Stiers. And Xzibit as a bear.

Music: 14/20

The soundtrack has no damn business being as good as it is.

FINAL SCORE: 48%

NEXT UPDATE: 15 JUNE 2023

NEXT TIME: Riddle me this…