The Amazing Schlock on the Doorstep
No, it’s not a box from Amazon, though that’s possible when I post orders while drunk. In reality, the schlock is no longer on the doorstep because (a) fewer people have doorsteps these days, (b) postal rates make schlock promotions expensive, and (c) e-mail is simply easier even though SPAM filters toss most of it into a virtual bent shitcan (a navy phase for stuff that’s seriously FUBAR).
My in-basket is constantly filled with psychic schlock. I’m not sure why because, like you, when I see it I use my vast psychic powers to “see” that it (the schlock) is a grain of truth at best and something that will cost a lot of money at worst. The e-mail begins with a personal story that supposedly tells me about an amazing secret that, in just a few minutes, will be given to me and that once I have it all the abundance, money, good health, free passes to brothels, influence, love, and influence I have ever wanted will be mine.
“Dear Malcolm,” the pitch begins, “years ago when I was as drunk and sick as you probably are today, I sat next to the statue of an angel of grief in a dark cemetery in Paris’ 20th arrondissement on All Saints Day smoking my way through a pack of Gauloises–a patriotic pastime in France in those days–pondering how to return my life to the holy promise it had been when I was born. My vision–or perhaps it was reality–showed me how to fix all the broken places of my life and I was surprised then beneath a light rain how easy it was to do that. I will show you how my life became defined by unlimited joy, health, and wealth if you will subscribe to my daily e-mail letter ‘Bonne Chance’ for a mere pittance.”
Everything I’ve always wanted. What an addictive temptation that might be. But then I read that even though the seller has $100000000 in his checking account, he wants to charge me $29 per month to learn the secret. I wonder, if he’s rich, who does he need my $29? I wonder, if the secret was revealed to him on All Saint’s Day, is it really his to sell and does it really take many many months to explain what he learnt in moments?
So, I say “no.” Sometimes the sellers of psychic schlock reply by saying something like, “Malcolm, how can you pass up our wonderful offer?”
I say I already know the secret (like I care) and don’t need to pay a monthly fee to hear about it. I don’t hear from them again after that.
But I wonder how many thousands of people are on the psychic schlock e-mail list and how many start dutifully sending in their $29 every month to learn what boils down to a few generalities about positive thinking, biorhythms, quantum theory, and meditation. Sooner or later people cancel their subscriptions without achieving any of the promised abundance.
Such promises are hard to ignore even though the secrets behind them are not secrets at all, but well-known principles that go back centuries before James Allen published As a Man Thinketh (now free online) in 1903.
It’s all quite simple and doesn’t cost $29 a month. The difficulty, as always, is believing that such easy concepts really work.
–Malcolm
