AI goes Noir

So. I've got this buddy on Twitter, Jim Thomsen. Jim is a copyeditor and a specialist in noir and crime writing. He also has a habit of collecting the very worst lines he comes across. They're hilarious. I asked him to send me 20. I then fed them into ChatGPT — the AI program — and said they were my favorite lines in crime literature and could it please produce 15 more just like them? This is what it came up with. Jim's list is first. AI's list comes after.

If nothing else, it's terrifyingly hilarious:

JIM'S LIST:

• “He thought of his eyes on alcohol, gray coals in a bricklike face, a vicious mouth that lifted flesh from bone like a man field-dressed a deer."
• “Frances Price, a sixty-five-year-old socialite, is infamous among the Manhattan élite for discovering the body of her husband in their bedroom and then going skiing for the weekend.”
• “Many years later, as he faced the firing squad, Colonel Aureliano Buendía was to remember that distant afternoon when his father took him to discover ice.”
• "Living in a yurt, he spends his days pondering the transcendent wisdom of tweets by top venture capitalists before apparently being trampled to death by vicuñas."
• "I chose an author I thought managed structure well—Flannery O’Connor—and I read her with the deliberate slowness of someone spooning their way through a fine crème brulee that might hide a razor blade."
• "The cliché about children’s book writers is that they’re sensitive, mewling types — wearers of cardigans, dispensing uplift as if it were Purell hand sanitizer."
• "There are those namby-pamby novelists who write what the critics deem to be 'literature.' They’re the bichons frisés of the writing world— they’re poofy, pretty, and everyone fawns over them. But the moment things get tough, they’re hiding under the kitchen table, making a mess on the floor. Newspaper reporters? We’re the Australian cattle dogs of the writing world. Maybe we don’t look that great. We certainly don’t smell that great. But you can kick us in the head, trample us, stick us out in the rain or heat. Whatever. We’re still going to get the herd home, no excuses."
• "Who knew that you could limit yourself to flat characters, clichéd emotions, and predictable outcomes and still keep the reader’s attention from start to finish? Nicholas Sparks is like a Lego Master Builder who can re-create a Frank Gehry building using only primary-colored plastic blocks."
• "Trying to seduce Alec at all was a waste of time; he came preseduced anyway. Like a microwave entrée. You pressed his buttons, and he got hot."
• “Katsuro moaned as a bulge formed beneath the material of his kimono, a bulge that Miyuki seized, kneaded, massaged, squashed and crushed. With the fondling, Katsuro’s penis and testicles became one single mound that rolled around beneath the grip of her hand. Miyuki felt as though she was manipulating a small monkey that was curling up its paws.”
• “His mouth looked for the oiled berry. Her taste came and went tidally salt and sour in his mouth, as eloquent as weather. When he fell through the sensation and opened his eyes he was surprised to find her there. And he could not hold her close enough. The smell of his armpits was on her shoulders – a flower depositing pollen on a hummingbird’s forehead. They detonated the remains of each other’s orgasms with fingers and tongues, areas of their bodies sticking together with sweat that was like the weak glue that holds segments of an orange together.”
• “Her face and vagina are competing for my attention, so I glance down at the billiard rack of my penis and testicles."
• "Her breasts were wobbly teapots with long, impractical stems."
• "When the captain removes a trapdoor to punch the engine switch and pour oil over the gears like salad dressing, a black heifer of smoke heaves around the guardrails."
• "Grief hurtled toward me, crashing into me and beating inside my chest like a giant, furious animal."
• "The admission scraped like razor blades across my raw, aching throat."
• "Horror stole over me like a mist, uncurling deep within. And then a fiery knot began to burn in my stomach."
• "Fury at my sister ground inside of me. Blame lay heavy as a brick on my heart, festering, ready to be propelled at somebody at the first provocation."
• "The memory was bitter, like vomit in my mouth, but I let it sweep over me."
• "Emmet reminded his son of Harry Dean Stanton. All scrawny and disjointed, like his skeleton had been assembled from leftover parts and not enough screws. The door opened. Emmet was in his boxer shorts, scowling, his legs like hairy chicken bones. For no apparent reason, he was wearing a hideous Hawaiian shirt. It looked like a family of parrots were trying to kill each other."
• "Marlowe didn’t like being here. The room was like a Goodwill store in Dubai."
• "Showbiz folks can smell dejection and failure. They avoid them like gluten, tract houses and commuter hotels."
• "He was breathing like a Pomeranian in Florida."
• "This man is dumber than the dumbest man in Wyoming, and they’ve got an unbeatable selection."
• “I loathe you, Marlowe. If you were a flea I’d kill the dog.”

THE AI REPLY TO MY PROMPT FOR MORE:

Certainly! Here are 15 more lines in a similar style to the ones you provided:
1. "Her laughter was a chorus of broken glass, slicing through the room and leaving shards of unease in its wake."
2. "He wore a grin that could curdle milk, teeth like daggers poised to strike at any moment."
3. "The shadows clung to her like desperate lovers, whispering secrets and painting her skin with a darkness that could never be washed away."
4. "His voice was a rusty hinge, creaking and groaning with the weight of his words."
5. "Time with him felt like walking through quicksand, each step forward accompanied by a sinking feeling of despair."
6. "Her eyes were vacant pools, reflecting a history of shattered dreams and a soul worn thin."
7. "His touch was a cold breeze, leaving goosebumps in its wake and an icy trail down her spine."
8. "Regret clung to him like a second skin, an ever-present reminder of the choices he couldn't undo."
9. "The silence between them grew like a wildfire, consuming everything in its path and leaving only ash and emptiness."
10. "Fear coiled around her heart like a venomous snake, constricting her every thought and paralyzing her with its grip."
11. "His smile was a knife, sharp and gleaming, ready to cut through trust and leave behind a trail of deception."
12. "She wore her past like a crown of thorns, each thorn a painful reminder of the mistakes she couldn't forget."
13. "Loneliness wrapped around him like a heavy cloak, suffocating any flicker of hope and leaving him lost in the abyss of solitude."
14. "The tension in the room crackled like electricity, sparking and snapping with an intensity that could ignite at any moment."
15. "The weight of her secrets pressed against her chest, a burden she carried with every breath, threatening to suffocate her."

AI CONTINUES:
"These lines aim to capture the atmosphere, evoke vivid imagery, and convey a sense of tension or emotion, similar to the style of the lines you provided."

Well … I don't think it can be deliberately funny. But it can be tricked into being hilarious.

Brace for impact, people.

— Derek B. Miller