Men are Not Emotional

This is a re-edited post that was originally posted on Randy's Book Bag Reviews in February 2012. I only posted this first part of three, because I'll need my flame helmet for the second two entries (maybe even a full fireman suit). That's why I've been hesitant about posting these entries, but I keep seeing discussions and blog posts that make me want to speak out. This one, for example, and this one, and especially this one (really heartbreaking and just makes me angry). Here's the first part:

You probably came in here thinking "WTF??" I know, right? The sad truth is that a lot of people are still claiming that men are not emotional. You can see it in the discussions that pop up now and then. Apparently, all men are strong and confident. They all like sports, drink beer, and thump their chests gorilla-style on a regular basis. They don't talk about how they feel and they most certainly don't show it. They don't cry - ever. Crying and talking is for girls. Oh, and male authors write masculine men while female authors write emotional men (we'll get to this later). 
Generalizations like these not only tick me off, but maintain ridiculous stereotyping that needs to stop!
Some say that, okay, men can be emotional but don't talk about their feelings. I'll buy this, up to a point, but I believe the behavior is more learned rather than instinctual. I've been trying to notice how the men around me behave and how they express themselves. Roughly 50% are outwardly emotional (some very) and the other 50% are able to hide it better. I'd say that maybe 40% express themselves verbally while the remaining 60% take it out on the gym equipment or close themselves off by staring at a computer screen for hours (you tell me if that's healthy). But if 50% of the guys I know are emotional and roughly 40% of them express themselves with words, can statements like "men don't talk about their feelings" and "men are not emotional" be true? I'd say no, when I'm seeing evidence on the contrary.
By this I'm not saying that men and women are the same. There are different hormones that make us act differently. But hormone levels vary (and let's not forget that we each have different life experiences that shape us) and it's just plain wrong and stereotypical to say that men behave like this and don't behave like that. By saying so, people are maintaining the stereotype of the "ideal man". What does that do to guys who ARE emotional and have a hard time hiding it? It makes them targets because they aren't behaving "like men". I had a guy-friend when I was a kid. He went through daily bullying for being sensitive. This went on for years and years, all because he didn't "act like a guy" and cried when the bullies caught him and beat him up.
We can't continue to put guys in cookie-cutters while so many don't fit in it. Cookie-cutters are not only limiting and unrealistic, but also help maintain the stereotype that every man is supposed to live up to. It's just not fair (and often damaging) to those who don't fit in the cookie form. 
I'm teaching my boys that it's okay to be in touch with their feelings and I encourage them to express themselves. I think it's extremely unhealthy to keep your feelings bottled up and that it can easily lead to depression. I think it's healthy for my boys to be able to identify how they're feeling. They're turning 5 this year (twins) and one is very open and emotional while the other keeps everything bottled up and very rarely talks about his feelings. The one who's locked up wasn't like that a year ago. He changed after he made a new friend who keeps saying things like "boys don't cry" (at four, mind you, but he has an older brother). I didn't realize it right away, I thought he was locking up because of the divorce (which might be a part of this change). I have to really persuade him to talk about how he's feeling. He looks very happy after he's told me and we've discussed it. I'm hoping my positive encouraging will teach him that it's okay to express verbally how he's feeling.

Being in touch with one's feelings doesn't equal vulnerability, and being in touch with one's feelings doesn't mean you're a girl. Emotional men are NOT weak. So toss out the cookie-cutters, also in gay male romances. Just because a male character is very emotional and expresses it (or not) doesn't make him unrealistic or "girly". Some men are emotional and there's nothing abnormal about it.
I will post the second part next Friday and talk about the nasty distinction between "male m/m authors" and "female m/m authors".
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P.S. By saying that emotional men are "girly", it also puts girls into a box with "emotional" stamped all over it. That's another stereotyping right there. Am I emotional? Yes, very. Is my cousin? Nope, at least not very. Does that make my cousin a boy? No.