Struggling

Yes, I’ve had difficulty writing lately. My father being released from prison has sent me for a loop, like I’m in downtown Sinaia and can’t get off the circle. It’s changed my emotional landscape from feeling free to again feeling dependent and guilty about not being with him. He writes me an email every evening, and I answer. I feel guilty for living with the Roma now. I never felt that before because it was my life, and I could do whatever I wanted with it.

I’ve finished another chapter of Carpathian Vampire. I’m going to have a couple more chapters than I thought, not because I’ve added anything, but because some scenes have become chapters themselves. I’ll have 42 chapters, maybe more. I may actually split some of my earlier chapters into two. I’ve tried to maintain chapters because of my game plan, but I feel that I can only go so far in trying to maintain the structure I initially intended. The story has to be what it is, eventually. And now that I’m getting close to the end, it’s having its way with me. So be it.

I’ve seen Dragos again. Gave him the new chapter for translation, although to be honest, I’ve come to trust my English a lot more than I could in the past, and I don’t trust him as much. My little trip to Edinburgh lit a fire under me about English, and now I have more confidence in it. I’ve started arguing with Dragos about phrasing. It’s funny the way we argue. It’s as if we’re an old married couple growing tired of each other. I still enjoy being with him, and he’s seriously jealous about David. But this loss of freedom thing has started to weigh on me, and caused me to feel remote from Dragos and my novel.

I’m having difficulty getting into my novel the way I used to. For a while, I thought I was losing interest in it, but now I really believe sharing it with Gail and David has partially taken my story out of the fictional world. Sharing it with them, I can feel their intrusion. David has asked to see more, and I don’t want to show it to him. I know he reads post here on this blog, so perhaps he’ll understand. Perhaps when I’m finished. This is my story, and I don’t want anyone to get their hands on it until I’m finished. Everyone has an opinion. I want my vampire girl all to myself. I’m practically lez for her, I love her so much. Dragos has never been interested in my novel. He translates but doesn’t try to tell me where to take the story. He has no interest in my characters. That’s the way it’s always been.

My father doesn’t have a job yet. He’s staying with friends that he used to work with. He worries about me. Family is so sticky. Except for my mother. I ask Gail about her now and then, but she works all the time. Little Roger is growing and doing cute things, and I miss seeing him. Funny how little people get under your skin. He’s really sticky. I remember his little kisses.

I’ve been listening to this new music that’s sweeping Europe now, a girl named Lana Del Rey. She kicked Adele out of number one while I was there in Edinburgh. I can’t get her music out of my head. Some of her lyrics scare me though, “We were born to die.” Some of the relationships she talks about remind me of mine. She’s reading my heart.

I have a Facebook page, but Roma are funny about pictures, or can be. Particularly Drina. I feel like that too. I want to be incognito. Twitter is also a little touchy for me. You talk to people, and then you have a connection. Even on twitter, I’m always looking for ways to disconnect.

Now back to my next chapter.