Well, it has been a while hasn’t it?

I’m going to start blogging again.  It’s been a while and there is a lot to say.  For now we’ll settle for Howdy.  I’m curious if anyone will even see this right away.  Sort of comforting to think no one will see it, that I’m free to say what I will.

I’ve written this entry in my head many times over the past 10 months.  And now that I sit down to write it, my words want to hide away.  This is exactly the sort of thing I want to write about.  There is a tangle between my thoughts, inspirations, and desire to share and the fear and mechanisms in my mind that insist on perfection or simply block the flow.  I’ve never really let myself freely express much without carefully processing it first.  My mind mastered that habit when I was still in elementary school and it’s a hard one to break.  Simply saying this, that I am a perfectionist, makes me shudder.  Because I am not perfect and my work has never been perfect or “good enough” in my judgement.  So how dare I out myself as a perfectionist, because I fear you all know what a great big mess of failed endeavours and missed deadlines I really am.  Truth is, no one else is in my head and aware of all that drama!  And I will tell myself this several times before I hit the [publish] button.

I have spent the last year or more confronting and working on the matters that have stunted me and nearly killed me.  Perfectionism, Depression, Anorexia…   because the causes, the symptoms, the diagnosed labels, in the end none of it mattered to me as much as the pain that I wasn’t my full creative self.  I wasn’t able to allow myself the honest, unjudged, unprocessed expression required to truly produce all the writings and objects I imagined.  I simply wasn’t able to truly, fully be myself.  She couldn’t get through the thoughts and worries that edit and judge and package things to make sure I don’t do anything wrong.

I am much better now.

Regardless of the “don’t say this/ don’t say that” thoughts and the “write this later when you’ll be better at it” and the “no one needs to read this” and the “what’s the point” and the “what are you thinking” thoughts and many more…

I am finally saying:

Hello!  I’m back.  I’m doing well and working hard and looking forward to sharing with you.  My work these days is writing, making things, self care, therapy, and trying to convince the cats they don’t NEED to wake me at 6:30 am every day.  I will share progress and thoughts and answer questions about it all…

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