Five Tips for Memoir Writing When the Words Feel Too Hot to Touch

Memoir writing can be powerful, but often times, requires the writer to look back on difficult times in their lives. NaNo Participant Emily Henderson talks about her own experiences with memoirs and gives tips on navigating painful experiences.

Content Warning: Death of a child to cancer.

I’ve been working on a memoir for what feels like 1000 years. In the beginning, I wrote about how, by the time I was 18, I lost both of my parents, one to a plane crash and the other to breast cancer. I wrote about my descent into alcoholism and eventual path to sobriety. I wrote about marriage and motherhood, all against the backdrop of my love for running. I thought this would be my memoir.

But then, in 2019, my youngest son Aiden was diagnosed with brain cancer, and four months later, he was gone. Suddenly, the memoir I had in my mind no longer made sense, and I stopped writing. It wasn’t until the pandemic that I returned to journaling and running to process my grief. I decided to run every street in my city, and thus a new shape for my memoir began to form.

In 2021, I threw my hat in the NaNoWriMo ring. I began knowing how hard it would be to write about my son and all the trauma surrounding his death. I wanted to protect my mental health while I tried to put words into the most painful moments of my life. Below are afew strategies I employed to help me win NaNo.

1. Gather Source Material

I re-read old journals, blog posts, and social media posts. I highlighted different themes and organized them into sections. For instance, I marked scenes from my childhood and those about my son with different colored highlighters. The idea is to avoid getting lost in memories when the focus should be on writing.

2. S.O.S. Journal Prompts

On days when the words just aren’t flowing, I like to have a few journal prompts handy. I write them down on index cards and pull them out when I get stuck. I made some of my biggest writing breakthroughs with these prompts.

“The doctor said….”

“On a good day….”

“At my age….”

3. Change your entry point.

I wrote around and around the scene where my son dies, possibly trying to change the ending, but I couldn’t seem to get it right. Rather than bang my head against the wall, I came at it from a different angle. I wrote about my husband and how our marriage grew stronger through our son’s treatment. Then when it came time to write the worst moment of my life, where my husband and I hold each other as we say our final goodbyes, I felt more relaxed and confident that I could do the scene justice.

4. Write a rant.

I have a lot of anger around the loss of my son, and I find writing a long rant about how unfair it all is, helps to clear the cobwebs to find the truth in the narrative. I like to set a timer for 20 minutes and write nonstop, even if all I write is, “I miss my son,” over and over again.

5. Non-judgmental social support

Writingabout trauma is emotionally draining, and I knew I would need to decompress after tapping into the harder parts of my story. I scheduled lunch with close friends with whom I could talk openly. They often made connections I couldn’t see, and that led to even more writing breakthroughs.

Once again, life keeps happening, and in January, I gave birth to my fourth child. She is next to me as I write this, cooing and grunting while she sleeps. It seems my memoir has shifted once again, and I have a perfect epilogue to my story.

Emily Henderson is a freelance writer living with her family in Santa Barbara, CA. Her essays have appeared in HuffPost Personal, Scary Mommy, Writing Class Radio, and The Santa Barbara Independent. She is currently working on a memoir about processing the loss of her son while running every street in her city.

You can read more of Emily’s writing on her Substack, I’m Really Very Literary, or follow her on Instagram @emilykathleenwrites or visit emilykathleenwrites.com.

Photo by Carli Jeen on Unsplash